The Guest (2013)

“She walked in with a smile so contagious and an attitude so optimistic and certain. She was confident in exactly what is was that made her soul dance. She had dreams greater than some found fathomable and her determination was victorious over all others. She paraded through each day so assured that it was leading her to a place which would glow with the vibrancy of her heart.
Then, her pace slackened. Her confidence faded. The colours of her heart dulled. Slowly she avoided the nourishment that was essential and initiated her continuous count. Happiness became a stranger. She began to forget what made her smile, the smile of utter beauty. Steadily she lost faith in all that once made her able to comprehend life. Gradually she forgot what ignited her once everlasting fire.
More rapidly she rejected what she was begging herself for and she was losing sight of that delightful young soul of the past. She began to accept that this ecstasy could never return to her. She lost faith and was haunted by herself. She made herself believe that she was determining a greater destiny than what she ever had before.
She wanted to live her own life; she wanted to prove her point. She longed for someone to notice her self-inflicted torture, but refused to let those who saw it support her.
She wanted sympathy but she pushed away everyone who gave it to her. She tried too hard in a way that would never get her to where she truly wanted to be: right back at the beginning. She used pain and torture to bring her back down to earth, a place that is believed to only get better, but she had pushed herself too far.
With every midnight trip and every slicing weep, she pushed herself further and further away from her world. The one that wanted to glow, that’s all she wanted, that life back. That was, until she wanted no life at all. She saw it in every car trip, every sky-caressing building and every capsule. She longed for it more and more until she actually did it.
But she failed.
Her healing process was not easy and most certainly not swift. Everyone who she longed for had been pushed so far away that she could not help but wonder how she could ever get them back. Her pain was excruciating, but that would surely all fade away, right?
But now I find myself released from her clutch. I find myself here, now. I am not alone and I do not predict to be so again. No longer do I long to live in that world that glows with radiance because I no longer need to; I am living here, in this moment.
Therefore not dwelling over the past, nor fretting over what will be. I am living now and “she” is gone forever. She may have confined me from everything that I once knew as myself, but she molded me into what I am certain that I want to be.
She will not return but she will not be forgotten. This, however, is what makes me the girl that shimmers- yet again- with the exuberant colours of my rainbow.”

I wrote this piece in 2013 when I was in a rehabilitation facility after my first suicide attempt. The main thing I speak about is my terrible eating disorder, which I conclude with saying it was gone. This unfortunately was not the case. The following year I returned to the same rehab for bulimia, which had developed from my anorexia. Until this year, 2017, I have continuously struggled with this demon, but this year I found the power within me, as well as with some divine intervention, to expel it from my soul. I am now in a much better place, where I no longer self-harm and I am now off of my psychiatric medication.

This was me, mid 2013 weighing in at 45kgs and cutting myself daily