Part 2: Return to the quest
Ten days before my return to France my anxiety started to wake me up at 4:45 in morning. My only real reference for this kind of rude awakening was perhaps the night before I did my first skydiving jump, aged 19. This anxiety, I felt, was fully justified.
In this recent experience in May 2023 there was nothing tangible in my direct future that felt worthy of such anxiety. I wasn’t jumping out of planes, writing final exams or moving to an unknown location with no point of reference.
This felt different… intense, abstract and steeped in fear. I spoke with a friend about what I was experiencing and how I wish there was someone I could look to for guidance around how to make sense of and navigate this fear. It was making me quite nervous of the unknown journey I was stepping into out of my own intuitive impulse. I was questioning whether I should go to France to continue with this quest (I'm still searching for a less loaded word for this journey…) at all. I wanted some dependable insight from the outside to guide me with a little clarity.
My friend recommended a woman she had recently started working with, an author, intuitive and shaman of sorts… (I always find it a little challenging to find a label for intuitive women who use their innate connection to mother nature and all that is to guide, heal and bring light to those who seek assistance… in Spain I would say Bruja blanca). Having had numerous practitioners recommended to me over the past few years — I have developed a finely-tuned sense of whether or not the recommended person is resonant with me and what I need. When my friend recommended Heather Linn, the resonance was a clear YES.
It was Thursday evening and I was leaving on Monday so the likelihood that an appointment with Heather would possible for Friday was extremely slim. I thought I’d give it a try regardless because one never knows… and I’m an eternal optimist.
I sent Heather an email via her online contact form on Friday morning explaining my situation and within half an hour she responded with “does 14:30 this afternoon work for you?”. When our call materialised, Heather revealed that she, too, had a connection to Montsegur and that she had been on a similar quest fifteen years ago. She also explained that she had blocked off her Friday afternoon for admin and that my inquiry for an appointment seemed so resonant that she couldn't refuse. She compromised weekend time so that she could fit me in.
The session provided profoundly helpful insights. Not only drawing on Ms Linn’s personal experience but also the intuitive guidance she had received around my personal connection to Montsegur and the vision I had experienced in 2022.
I carefully tucked these precious insights into my heart, packed the last of my belongings in my suitcase, bid my loved ones farewell and hopped on the plane. The anxiety wasn’t all gone but I had made sense of it and the exchange with Heather had diffused it substantially.
It seems many of us carry ancestral imprints in our DNA from our foremothers and father and our previous lives. The conscious decision to step back into a path of service for the collective using the inherent tools we carry (especially women), can trigger profound trauma around ancestral witch-hunts or similar experiences. These triggers often lead us to avoid our true calling. Once this trauma is understood and we make space for the blocked emotions that lie buried beneath it to be felt and released, we are far better equipped to step back into our innate blueprint without distortion.
I landed in Marseille, spent a night at Hélène’s in Aix en Provence where my car had spent the European winter and mentally prepared myself to go on my quest… To voluntarily take a leap into the void to see what, if anything, awaited me.
I opened my car, turned the key in the ignition and was delighted that the engine started first time. I shuffled my things around so that I could travel lightly and off I drove to Montsegur. Excited, nervous and curious.
It’s only been three weeks since I left Hélène’s but it feels like a year ago. So much has transpired.
My tank was full and the drive was beautiful. I experienced the same sensation I had felt in December 2022, the first time I had driven to Montsegur on this abstract quest. A sense of homecoming.
The landscape became increasingly familiar as I drove and the closer I got to Montsegur, the more intensely I felt that wave of emotion move through me. Overwhelm. For no apparant reason.
The full drive took around 5 hours with stops along the way. Within 45 minutes of my arrival at Les Contes, my accommodation for the coming three nights, I started to feel the shortage of blood-flow in my right leg and decided that I would pull over at the next possible parking to stretch my legs. I was in the countryside weaving my way through hills and tiny hamlets with little "parking" around.
The next open shoulder in the road was at the top of a windy, climb where a tight stretch of dirt road lead off to the right. I took the dirt road and, to my delight, noticed a patch of ground — seemingly a place to park — next to the dirt road fit for one car — a pleasant surprise as I had been looking for a while.
I pulled into the patch of shoulder, parked my car, got out of the car to stretch my legs and looked up to take in the scene. I was at the top of a tall hill in the thick of the countryside surrounded by fields laced with rows of trees demarcating the boundaries between territories. I could see an ocean of hills and snow-capped mountains in the distance. The Pyrenees. An epic, breath-taking scene. Behind my car was some kind of electric tower structure and just to the left in the direction that there dirt road was leading, I noticed that the grass had been parted to make out some kind of animal or human trail. I followed this little trail up through the grass to the top of the hill. There had been no signage or indication of anything and the trail itself was so vague that I was almost certain that it had been created by animals.
When I reached the top I noticed a concrete structure with a granite slab fitted on top. The slab had been engraved with lines that pointed to the different hills or mountains in the distance and their names. I spotted Montsegur and the emotions I felt were overwhelming. I took off my shoes and sat down in the tall grass next to the block and felt tears streaming down my face.
I needed my bare feet to touch the earth so that the energy that was moving through my body could ground. As looked down I noticed a magnificent moth that had landed on my ankle. I placed my hand next to it and it walked onto my finger. I analysed this beautiful creature and felt it was guiding me to be present in this moment. For some reason this place felt important. Perspective on where I was going.
The moth took its fore feet and rubbed them together and I was inspired to set an intention for this journey. The beautiful creature flew away and I closed my eyes and set clear intentions for what it was I was wishing to call in on this journey.
A little moment with the grasses, the breeze, the moth and some deep breaths provided the relief I didn’t know I had needed. My blood was circulating, my heart was at peace and I walked back down to the car and made my way to Montsegur.
Upon my arrival at les Contes I was met by a sweet couple who was visiting with their baby. I checked into my room once Pete, one of the owners, had returned with the goats. It was cold and wet and I was exhausted. I asked about nearby walks and Pete's suggestion for the forest just beyond the property felt like the perfect fit. I ventured into the soft, humid woods and meandered along a few windy trails uphill into the green thicket. I sat upon a moss-covered log and took off my shoes to feel the softness of the ground. There I was. The greens so luminous, the textures so soft and welcoming. I took in the soothing sounds of the stream flowing below and the freshness of the air. I was exactly where I needed to be and it felt like a big sigh of relief.
It was dark by the time I got back to Les Contes. I cooked up a little dinner in the kitchen, shared a few exchanges with some people moving in and out and went to bed. I decided that I would walk up to the ruins of Montsegur at sunrise the next day. I wished to have the freedom to experience the site without other people around. I set my alarm and eventually got to sleep.
