How do I look?… Naked
I have found myself in the most peculiar of positions. The man I love is hundreds of miles away, my son seems to be changing more and more each day, and the place I now call home seems more strange to me than two bums fighting over air. I am but a fish out of water, or so it seems. I speak kindly, call people by their given name, and with every bit of effort find the good in the worst situation. By now most people would think I’ve lost my ever loving mind, and I think I almost have a time or two. Never the less I find it exhilarating to shout back at the hail storm “IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!”
Complete and total submission, yes that’s what this is all about. You see by some strange turn of events I’ve sort of run my life into a brick wall. Seems as though I’ve halted all progress, and all the more I find it wasn’t even my fault. Years of terror, being alone and used in one form or another. Yes that would leave any adult dashing and darting for the easy way out. Hum, and don’t you be fooled, I have tried it a time or two. Some may say my choices alone proved my need to be taken out of my misery. Yet it was there in that cold dark place the Lord held and hushed “No my sweet child, not today.”
I wonder quite often what it is my soul has come here to do. From emotionally dismantled teen, to woman of the night truly unseen… that same voice in that same tone would say the very same thing. Trying so hard to convince me I was here for so much more. That they were all just tests, I had to be strong for many, including me. How else could one reach the masses? People so very high, and all those still so very low. Born to heal ah? I can only trust this is so.
The way I feel some days I wish to just let it all go. Be selfish and mean like so many I see. Then I look out the window, or step outside for a quick embrace of the glorious rays that shine. I see beauty in it all… I know I am but a piece of them all. So I must be great, and I must be beautiful, and I surly must be strong. Although I stand at the very walls of defeat some days I must remember, I’ve come here to risk it all. My soul does cry out to me, and I hear each and every plea. “I know this is hard, but just listen to me.”
Guided by faith, and the purest love I have come to remember. I’ve truly left behind all I once called my endeavors. As I begin at the beginning with each and every day, I am reminded that it was still my choice be that as it may. Have I chosen wisely, to follow my soul’s intention? Have I chosen wisely to give up hope in this realms version of progression? Have I really said “See you later!” to my side stepping of goals, and to the roads I once sped by dashing all the tolls?
YES! Naked and bare, I start over and embrace this dare. “Emotion hinders your true self.”- The Fortune Cookie.
After reading this I understood all that I had misunderstood in my mist. Run by this fear, and strangled by that love. All distractions from this feeble chick becoming a dove. Years spent in fixing, always working to be fixing, yet nothing was ever broken. All I ever needed was inside this bright and beautiful token. Now with arms wide open, I embrace this next step. It will not be lead in desperation.