Can’t Pretend

I’m trying. My whole life I have been attracted to both guys and girls. Growing up, this was very confusing. In hiding my feelings it turned me to the internet trying to figure myself out. This was the worst thing I could have done. The internet soon turned into pornography, which led to depression, hate, guilt, and despair. I hid it from everyone, put up walls. I pretended like I was perfect and had no flaws, which being part of the Mormon church was hard to do. The more I pretended the more I hated myself. I truly did want to be doing the things that I said I was and occasionally would make good efforts. However I felt weak. I could not overcome the monster that I loved to feed. After 13 years of failed attempts to change, hating myself more with every slip. I felt worse every time someone gave me a compliment, being reminded that I was a lie. Hearing the words I love you stung, “If you knew who I truly was you wouldn’t be saying that.” I thought.

Finally I gave up. I let all the evil in and pushed any good I had left out. I cut every person who wanted the best for me out of my life. Worst of all “K”, My girlfriend, she was the greatest thing that happened to me and the part of me that I felt worst about. I couldn’t keep pretending. I couldn’t lie anymore. She deserves a man, a man who can take care of her, someone who she can trust and will always be there for her. I did not feel worthy to call myself that man.

This phase all came during my first semester of college. I fell to my darkest place, a place that I dug myself. Luckily my family and friends didn’t give up on me, my Bishop loved me even after all that he knew. He convinced me to let others back in. So, I stopped pretending. Best of all I felt a confirmation that God loves me. He wants me to know that he is not going to give up on me. Life is really hard right now but I want you to know that Christ has a plan for you just as He has a plan for me.

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