grasping, clawing, melting

letting out what doesn’t make sense and letting it go

I don’t get it, God
you could’ve chosen someone better for this job
anyone better who just might get it done

how do you solve a problem you can’t
put into words?
I am looking for you, God
looking for those words
looking for the why behind it
looking for something, anything
to make sense in me at all

dealing with myself can be so difficult
and I miss your friendship
yeah, you, I know you’re reading this
and I can’t tell you that I miss you
because I don’t have the strength to turn around
or run backwards
someone might see me

I can’t show the chink in my armor just yet
not yet, no, I’m just not strong enough yet
not yet
maybe never

when are you going to do it, God?
when are you going to deliver on that timing
of making all things beautiful?
when will that be, God?
I felt the water come up, neck deep
and so I gasped one last time and went under
I’m just holding my breath down here
at least it’s quiet
for a moment in my head

he asked me yesterday
“do you even love people?”
he said it as a joke but I can’t shake it
it’s been following me repeating itself all day
and I want to put my hands over my ears
and scream

in these moments
when I tell absolutely no one
how I’m 
I know you see me
and you aren’t trying to mute this part of me
you aren’t afraid of my everything
you choose me anyways
you give grace through the anxiety anyways
love me through the parts of me
I want to eradicate and you
love me not just anyways,
but because

I have no idea how you’re going to take me
and change me
I’m not saying you can’t do it
but I am saying 
that I can’t do it

I passed a glowing sign, red
on my drive home — 2 Timothy 1:7
so I recited it in my head
and wondered why I don’t feel
powerful or disciplined but I do feel loved
against all factual line-ups of why I shouldn’t be
those lies just burn wild, they don’t matter
because I do know that one thing, I keep
and you haven’t left
you aren’t intimidated or surprised
you knew it, God

if you didn’t accept me this way
I don’t know who I’d be
worse, probably, more broken, yes
but right now I see the depth of
what’s still shattered in me and I need you to

fix it, God