Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening
An Indian Man’s View on Everyday Conundrums
If someone were to ask Aziz Ansari where he was from, they would be quite disappointed with his answer. Typically, when you are an Indian with a quirky name, you aren’t from South Carolina. However, in the case of Aziz Ansari, that would be completely accurate.
Aziz Ansari is a thirty-two year old Indian man raised in a small town known as Bennettsville, located in the northeastern region of South Carolina. Where does his dark skin come from then, you may ask? Well that is something Aziz doesn’t discuss much throughout his comedy career. When asked about his Indian background during this special, ‘Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening’, he reponds by making fun of those who embellish the relevance of his heritage to his career. His witty reply includes a story about how he once was asked how he felt about the fact that a main character of an upcoming film was an Indian:
“I was doing this interview once, and this guy goes, “So, you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff.”
And I was, like, “Ummm . . . Yeah! I am! I have no idea why, though — I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kinda look like me are in this movie that everyone loves, and winning Oscars and stuff.”
And then I was, like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time? It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’ — that’s us! ‘The Godfather’ — that’s us! ‘The Godfather Part II’ — that’s us! ‘Departed’ — that’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’ — that’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’ — that’s us! ‘Jaws’ — that’s us! Every fuckin’ movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us!’”
The truth behind his brown outward appearance is that his parents immigrated to the United States from Tamil Nadu, a region in the southern part of India. Aziz’s father, Shoukath Ansari, packed up his life and moved to America in search of a job opporunity. He and his wife both worked in the medical field, he as a gastroenterologist and she as an administrator. Therefore, it can only be assumed that there was great influence from Aziz’s family to pursue a career in the medical field as well. When people automatically assume Aziz lived the typical Muslim lifestyle, he jokes, “It wasn’t like I would come home and my mom was, like, in a sari.” He also likes to tell the story about how he didn’t find out about his religion until he was eleven: “I didn’t find out I was Muslim until I was 11. I was at a friend’s house and my mom called. She said, ‘Aziz, what are you up to?’ [I said] ‘Just chillin’, eatin’ some bacon.’ She’s like ‘Aziz! Bacon is pork! We’re Muslims! We’re not supposed to eat pork!’ I was like, ‘Well, double-check the Koran, Mom. This stuff is the shit!” Ansari, despite his lack of religious based sketches, finds that he is himself while performing, and that his audience enjoys his abruptness and honesty.
The summer of Aziz’s sophomore year of high school he was sent to the South Carolina Governor’s School for Science and Mathematics, a boarding school in Hartsville, South Carolina. This is considered a very prestigious school and is regularly recognized as having the highest SAT scores in the state (an average score of 2038 points out of a total of 2400 points in the year 2013.) It wasn’t until the summer of his junior year during a cellular biology experiment that Aziz realized science just wasn’t for him. However, he stuck it out in high school and kept his parents in the dark about his decision to not pursue science in college. Aziz attended New York University where he later received his bachelor’s degree in marketing.
Throughout college Aziz had a growing passion for the standup comedy industry and was particularly struck by Chris Rock’s HBO specials. He even performed at multiple open-mic nights and even at some “bringer” shows, which are shows in which a comedian brings a certain number of guests and then receives the same number of minutes to perform. Right after graduation in 2004, Aziz was already working as a full time standup comedian and was somewhat successful by the time his parents realized what he was up to. In reference to not telling his parents about his career path Aziz says in an interview with Howard Stern, “Always keep your parents in the dark.”
Aziz’s first steady gig was to host a comedy night called “Human Giant” along with some established comedians such as Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel. After two successful seasons, Ansari and the other comedians decided against a third and they went their separate ways. This is when Ansari was offered the role of Randy in the movie Funny People. This role, although his smallest to date, is one of his most defining. Although his character in the film was supposed to represent everything that could go wrong with standup, Ansari sparked an uproar with fans and even became a favorite, landing him a three-part Randy documentary after the movie.
Around the same time Ansari landed his role in Funny People, he was also offered the role of Tom Haverford in the upcoming television series Parks and Recreation. Aziz was actually the first character to be cast onto the show, and later Amy Poehler from SNL was cast as the female lead. As the series came to a close this year, Aziz’s standup career skyrocketed. However, his fans rarely mention that they enjoyed him as Tom Haverford, but instead insist that his standup is what drew their attention. Aziz describes his experience with a fan after a show: “After one show this summer I was approached by a guy with a hand-rolled cigarette behind his ear and he said to me, ‘Dude, way to deconstruct shitty comedy.’”
Since Ansari has grown up in the era of technology, he tends to base many of his jokes off of his uncontrollable use of his cellphone. Aziz even goes so far as to say that he thinks his cellphone could actually lead him to his very own death. He said these could be the possible newspaper headlines concerning his death:
“Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today, he was struck by another vehicle while using IMDB to see if Val Kilmer was, indeed, in the film ‘Willow.’”
“Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while checking showtimes for UP on Fandango. He just purchased a single ticket for a 4:00 show at a $2 theatre in order to live out the saddest afternoon of all time.”
“Comedy bad boy Aziz Ansari, aka comedy heartthrob Aziz Ansari, was killed in a awful automobile accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while googling his own name.”
Aziz is a strong activist when it comes to feminism and gay rights. The unique thing about him being so tenacious about gay rights is the fact that his heritage is so greatly against it. According to Gordon L. Anderson’s book, “The Family in Global Transition”, “Islam considers homosexuality to be a crime and disease. Muslim judges sentence the criminal to isolation in a camp where he cannot be in contact with other members of the society.” That’s pretty hard core, and Aziz will go against his background to defend his belief, he will even force himself to give up Chick-fil-a. He once said in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel:
“I [Aziz] am very pro-gay marriage, but I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich. So what do you do? I mean at this point, why is anyone against gay marriage? You know you’re gonna lose. You know you’re on the wrong side of things. These are the same people who didn't want women to vote, that didn’t want black guys to play football, uh, what was the lastest thing they were opposed to? Uh, interracial relationships? Look, if you’re opposed to interracial relationships, guess what: I’m fucking white girls and there’s nothing you can do about it. Every time I have sex with a white girl I think about those people for a few pumps, because it’s amazing….. I don’t eat Chick-fil-a anymore.”
When it comes to feminism, Aziz isn’t afraid to speak out about his opinions on the subject. In an interview with David Letterman he once said:
“If you believe that men and women have equal rights, and then someone asks you if you’re a feminist, you have to say yes. Because that’s how words work. You can’t be like, ‘Yeah, I’m a doctor who primarily does diseases of the skin.’ ‘Oh, so you’re a dermatologist?’ ‘Oh that’s way too aggressive of a word, not at all, not at all.’”
In Aziz’s debut CD/DVD skit ‘Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening’, he uses his witty and unique sense of humor to discuss concealed and uncomfortable topics that people typically try to avoid in conversation. He reveals the humor in the stressful atmosphere of everyday life. Aziz’s lifestyle leading up to the peak in his career has impacted his ability to continuously make people roar with laughter. Ansari’s success comes from years of hard work. He claimed that due to his start-up jobs in Manhattan during college, he is able to relate to his crowds. His notable topic, technology is something that has grown up with him and he states that he feels like it is his duty to the human population to present all sides of the modern topic. Aziz Ansari relates to his fans in ways that no other comedian could before, and that is why people remember him.
Transcription of ‘Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening’ by Taylor Smith
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aziz Ansari!
Aziz Ansari: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh wow. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I just recently moved to Los Angeles and you know a big issue here and everywhere in the country right now is gay rights. And I was walking down the street once and this guy came up to me with a clipboard and says, “Hey man, do you have a moment for gay rights?” And I went, “Sorry man, I’m in a little bit of a rush.” And then that dude watched me walk into a Jamba Juice. And he was a little upset and he was like, “Really man? You’re gonna rush to Jamba Juice? I’m out here trying to make a difference.” And I was like “Actually man, there’s a guy that works in that Jamba Juice that said some really hateful stuff about a close gay friend of mine. And I’m going in there to stab him.” And then I pulled out two knives and I tossed him one and I was like, “Do you have a moment for gay rights? Oh, didn’t think so. So sit there with your little clipboard and judge me, I kill for gay people. I make a difference, you don’t do shit.”
I actually had a gay friend of mine get real mad at me because of a text message I sent him. And I looked at my phone and I realized it wasn’t my fault, it was my phone’s fault because I have that feature called ‘Smart Type’ where you type things and it guesses what you’re typing. But sometimes it guesses wrong. Like you’ll type in ‘gave’ and it guesses ‘have’. Texts get misinterpreted, that’s what happened to me. What I was trying to text my gay friend Greg said, “Hey Greg, don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Think I’m gonna hit the ‘hay’.” That’s what I was trying to say, but what ‘Smart Type’ decided to send was, “Hey Greg, don’t think I can come to the bar. Tired. Think I’m gonna hit the hay you faggot fuck you.” Woah woah woah woah smart type that ain’t what I was trying to say? Why you gotta get all homophobic on me? Greg’s gonna get pissed off about that text.
Now my whole take on the gay rights issues, particularly gay marriage, is let’s be honest, if you’re against gay marriage you just don’t like gay people and you wanna stick it to ‘em. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t do the same thing if I was presented with similar opportunities. Like if there was a law up for debate like, “Hey man, do you think guys that wear tight t-shirts and get bottle service at night clubs should be allowed to own property? And I would be like nooo fuck those guys.” (laughs a creepy laugh…hahahaha) Yeah, um it violates the sanctity of owning property and it says in the Bible that they’re douche bags. Whatever I need to say so that you don’t think this is coming from purely a place of hate.
I was getting some sheets down at Bed Bath and Beyond. Man they’ve got so many sheets! I was looking around and I saw this guy and he didn’t know what to buy and he looked all confused and he looks over at me and he goes, “Man, this is why I need a girlfriend.” And I was like “Really? This is why you need a girlfriend? So if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn’t even be here. You would be back at your house sitting on a La-Z-Boy drinking a beer going, ‘Bitch go get me some sheets! Yeah I’m in a relationship now. I don’t have to buy my own domestic goods. And pick up one of those bottles we can put sticks in to make the room smell like vanilla bean, I’ve been farting all day it smells like shit in here.’” Now all I know about sheets is the higher the thread count the better the sheets, right? (Points to lady in the crowd) This lady’s like, “Right yeah I got seven hundred back at my house, it’s like sleeping in lotion.” So I’m looking around trying to find some nice sheets and I see this brand called ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’, six hundred thread count. That sounds fancy too right? You gotta girl back at your place she’s like, “Oh my god. Did we just teleport to a five star hotel?” “Nah baby, these are just ‘Hotel Luxury Linens;. By the way, the technology for teleportation doesn’t exist yet, you must be kinda stupid.” So I grab the sheets and I get them home and I’m psyched to put them on my bed right. And I feel ‘em and they feel a little rough to the touch. I get a little suspicious. I do a little googling. I find an investigative report in Southern Living Magazine where they investigated thread count claims. An issue that definitely needed delving into. And they had a little chart that said brand, advertised thread count, actual thread count. So I was like Brand: ‘Wamsutta’, advertised thread count: five hundred, actual thread count: four hundred and ninety-seven. Brand: ‘Soft Sheets’, advertised thread count: six hundred actual: six hundred. Brand: ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’, advertised: six hundred actual: two hundred and ninety-six!!!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME MAN?! (Jumps off ground with both feet) I almost slept on that shit! Two hundred and ninety-six is sandpaper as far as I’m concerned. If that was a drug deal I would have shot ‘Hotel Luxury Linens’ in the face! Where are the rest of my threads? (forms fake gun with hand and makes a shooting sound) You didn’t think I was going to count that shit motherfucker?!
I was down at CVS and I had a rather odd assortment of items I needed to get. I had to get a liter of Jack Daniels, a two liter bottle of Coca-Cola, a box of condoms, and a ten pack of blank CDR discs. And I thought it’d be awesome that if every morning I went and bought those four things for like six months, just to develop this really weird reputation with the staff there. They would be like, “Hold on man, this guy drinks a liter of Jack and Coke everyday, this guy has sex twelve times a day, and then burns ten blank CD’s. Ten blank CD’s, ten discs that’s like 7.5 gigs a day, what kind of data is he backing up? Would it make more sense to just get an external hard drive at this point? Is he burning music? Wouldn’t it just make more sense to get an iPod? Maybe he’s just making mixed CD’s for all the girls he’s fucking. Two of those girls ain’t getting CD’s though. Which two are those? Which two don’t get the CD’s?”
I gotta travel a lot when I’m doing stand up and I was on a flight one time and I had a bit of a runny nose. And so I went like this: (sniffs nose loudly) All of a sudden the guy sitting next to me goes, “Hey man, you gonna blow your nose? Or am I going to have to listen to you sniffling for the next six fucking hours?” And I was stunned for two reasons: one, I couldn’t believe he’d be so rude to a total stranger and two, I never heard the words sniffle and fucking in the same sentence together before. (chuckles to himself)
Clap if you use Craigslist. (claps from crowd) Hold on a second, I’m not talking about “I’m looking for an apartment” Craigslist though. I’m talking about “You give me a hand job, I’ll give you my coffee table”, like that kind of Craigslist. That’s Craigslist. I saw a post like that once where this guy was trying to sell concert tickets and this is what he posted up there, he goes: “Willing to give up two tickets to the sold out show tonight, must be female age twenty to twenty-five and be willing to perform oral sex for a half hour in my car. Must remove shirt and bra. Your friend can be there for security.” Now that guy’s insane and I can tell because he put that phrase in there “must remove shirt and bra” because that implies he’s done that in the past and the girl’s like, “hold on you didn’t say anything about my shirt and bra coming off” and he’s like, “damn I gotta put that in the ad next time, I wanna see some titties!” And then he acts like he’s throwing you a bone by putting that phrase in there, “Your friend can be there for security.” Really? Well that’s going to be a tough favor to ask for. (puts hand up to ear like talking on the phone as a woman to a friend) (in a woman’s voice) “Hey Denise, yeah it’s me Carol, let me ask you something. You ever done any security work before? Well it’s nothing too crazy but I’m gonna be blowing this guy for a half hour in his car and I just need you to sit in the backseat and make sure he doesn’t do anything sketchy. By the way, you mind holding my shirt and bra? Those are gonna be off.” Now I went to that concert and I bought tickets in advance and I got there and you know what I saw? They were selling extra tickets at the door! (yelling) Selling extra tickets at the door! Could you imagine blowing a guy for a half hour for sold out concert tickets and then finding out they’re selling them at the door? That’d be like blowing a guy for a half hour for sold out concert tickets and then finding out they’re selling them at the door. There’s no other way to complete that analogy because that’s the shittiest thing that could ever happen to you.
One thing that scares me about Craigslist and stuff is that people go on there and they find random roommates. That’s a terrifying proposition to me. Like one time I found a random roommate and it did not go well. I would always come in the room and it would always smell like tuna and I would be like, “Woah not my top five smells for the room to have.” Why does it always smell like tuna? It’s because this guy liked to eat cans of Starkist tuna all the time and you know the juices there at the bottom when you finish? He would shoot the juice back like a tequila shot! Yes I agree it’s disgusting! If you approach me on the street like (changes tone to that of a smooth talker) “Hey Aziz, what’s the most disgusting thing you catch your roommate doing?” I’d be like, “Drinking the tuna juice at the bottom of the Starkist tuna can.” They’d be like, “Man, that’s a really specific answer.” There’s other things, like he played the flute all the time and there’s nothing wrong with playing the flute but he’d only play one song on the flute: Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, the theme song of The Titanic. If you’d approach me on the street like, (changes tone back to that of a smooth talker) “Hey Aziz, what’s the most annoying song a dude could play on the flute all the time?” I’d be like, “Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, the theme song of The Titanic.” And you’d be like, “God damn you’re really good at this game.” But the craziest thing was towards the end of our time together he got really weird and I didn’t know what was going on so I asked a friend of his like, “Hey man, what’s up with this guy?” And he says, “Oh he thinks he’s possessed (pauses for a moment for emphasis) by Scar, the evil lion from the Lion King movies.” Oh yes that happens. Sure. If you’d approach me on the street like, (speaks in the smooth tone for the third time) “Hey Aziz what’s the most random Disney villain a kid can think he’s possessed by?” I’d be like, “Scar, the evil lion from the Lion King movies!” And you’d be like, (makes buzzer noise to indicate wrong) “Sorry it’s the hockey team from Iceland in the Mighty Ducks Two.”
Now I have a small update on that joke. I was looking around on the Internet one day and I saw this blog written about me and I look at the comments thread and I read “I lived with this guy, he’s a douchebag.” (yells loudly) It was that fucking guy!! Oh really, I’m a douchebag huh? You don’t tell these people how you did tuna shots all day. (puts hands up to mouth like playing flute and begins to act like playing Celine Dion song) Oh you don’t talk about that, you just say I’m a douchebag. Well if I’m a douchebag this is what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna find out where that guy lives and go outside his house, like outside his window late at night and wait till it’s like really late and I’m gonna play (begins to say the beginning words of the Lion King song.. bassuweenuab…) and he’d be like (impersonates the voice of his old roommate) “No the demons, they’re back! Scar get away from me, leave me alone!” What I should have done is go on the comments thread and under the username ‘Hyenas’ said, “Watch out motherfucker.” (laughs at himself)
I used to live in New York and I love living there because you can walk around everywhere and you know when I walked around sometimes people would recognize me from things they’ve seen me on TV or whatever. A lot of times I wouldn’t hear what they said because I would have headphones on so I’d kinda just go, (walks around stage pretending to be distracted) “Cool man glad you liked the show”. I’d just keep walking and this one guy said something to me one time and I went, “Cool man glad you liked the show”. And when I walked past him I realized “Oh man, that guy didn’t say anything about the show.” He went,“Hey man your fly’s down.”And I went, “Cool man, glad you liked the show. Glad you liked seeing my dick popping out of my pants, come back next week you can see one of my balls.”
I went to a cool show in New York once called ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’. And they had this thing where there were these kind of dinosaurs that were walking around. It was cool and I was the only person there really in my age group. It was mostly like little kids and their parents. And I was bored waiting for the show to start so I just started talking to this kid next to me and he was pretty cool man he was like eight or ten years old and we had a lot in common though. You know like we both played Call of Duty on the Xbox, we both had really similar theories about what was going on during the episode of Lost; he was just a cool kid. And eventually his dad was like, “Hey Brian, I gotta go make a couple of phone calls. You mind hanging out right here talking to your new friend?” Brian was like “Ok dad.” Then the dad leaves for like a really long time. And you know I’m not a child molester at all but if I was I would be like, “Somebody’s doing some molestin’ tonight! (begins to hump the air vigorously and screaming at the imaginary boy Brian) Let’s do this shit Brian! Your dad doesn’t give a fuck about you! He left you alone with a grown man with a full beard at ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’, clearly I’m out here scouting and you are my man.” (awkward pause) — — — I’m just saying I could have fucked that kid.
I’m originally from South Carolina. (tons of cheers from the crowd) Thank you! (responds to crowd cheers) My brother sent me something that really reminded me of how crazy it is down there. The thing he sent me was a promo video for this thing called ‘The Simple Man Cruise’ and this is this cruise ship where they get all these Southern rock bands, like 38 Special, The Marshall Tucker Band, Lynard Skynard, and they throw them on a boat and all these rednecks get on board. Then they set out to sea and it’s scary as shit. Cause I’ve never seen rednecks like this before. I lived in South Carolina for eighteen years and never saw people like this. This one dude gets on the screen he’s like, “Aw man you can swing a dead cat around here and you’re bound to hit a good guitar player.” What the hell does that mean? I don’t know but I like the way this guy talks. I want him to review everything for me in my life like when I need an opinion I’ll go to him like “Hey man, I was thinking about buying some new CD’s from that new music store down on like Sunset, is that a good place to buy music?” (speaks in Southern accent in order to appear as a redneck) “Aw hell man you can go on there, sling a pot of cream corn, someone’s bound to land on some great new and used CD’s. You might get a little corn on your CD’s but that’s easy to clean off, especially if you’ve got a biscuit.” Ok man I was thinking about buying a Prius is that a good car to get? (speaks in Southern accent again) “Aw man here’s what you need to do, you need to go down to the woods and find two opossums. Pick them up, turn them into puppets be like ‘Hey man, I was thinking about buying a Prius, is that a good car to get?’ (uses his right hand as an imaginary opossum) ‘I don’t know nothing about cars I’m just a opossum.’” That answers your question, yeah. “Hey man I was thinking about buying a LCD TV, is it a good time to buy a LCD TV? (Speaks in Southern accent again) “Here’s what you need to do man, go down to that electronics store on La Brea, jerk off in twelve biscuits, sling ‘em around, one of them is bound to hit a great LCD TV. You might catch a little hell for what you did to those biscuits but you’re gonna get a great deal.” (Grins for an extended period of time at the audience)
Clap if you still haven’t seen the Dark Knight yet. (claps from audience) What the fuck is wrong with you people? That movie is incredible. My favorite review of that movie is by my little cousin named Harris. He’s fourteen years old and lives in Georgia. I love Harris because he has really odd choices of entertainment. His favorite TV show is an hour-long drama on USA and TNT. You know how you see billboards for shows like Burn Notice and you say who the hell watches Burn Notice? (shouts loudly) HARRIS WATCHES BURN NOTICE! He loves it. Harris told me his senior quote is going to be “TNT knows drama.” You call up Harris and you’re like, “Harris what’s going on?” and he’s like, “I’m pissed off man. My dad erased all my shows off my DVR. I guess I won’t find out what happens on Las Vegas this week.” Who DVR’s Las Vegas? Josh Duhamel doesn’t DVR Las Vegas. And you don’t get that joke because Josh Duhamel’s the star of Las Vegas and nobody watches Las Vegas! So I ask Harris:
(holds hand up to ear like talking on phone)
Aziz: “Hey Harris, did you like the Dark Knight?
Harris: “Yeah!”
A: “Is it better than Burn Notice?”
H: “Yeah!”
A: “Is it better than Las Vegas?”
H: “Yeah!”
A: “Is it better than Cinnabon?”
H: “No!”
(end of conversation)
I knew that would get him because he’s a chubby guy and he loves shoving Cinnabons into that little chubby face (motions towards face like eating food and says nom nom nom) and I love that about him, I love that he’s chubby because there’s not a lot of chubby Indian kids. Most of them are small and skinny like me but every now and then you see a chubby one and it’s awesome! It’s kinda like seeing a shooting star only its fat, brown, and on the ground. I found Harris to be most entertaining to me when he’s most angry at me and I found that the quickest way to get him crazy is to fuck with him on Facebook. He does not like it. He’s got his little updates meticulously planned like, “Just became a big fan of Will Smith” so I’ll write up there, “Fuck Will Smith!” And he’ll be like, “Why’d you do that?”
And so one time I noticed he was posting a lot on a study group for his world history class and I was like, “I know what I’ll do, I’ll join the study group and I’ll write all this dumb shit on there, Harris will get really pissed and it’ll be awesome.” And that’s exactly how that shit went down. As soon as I started posting I started getting all these angry IM’s from Harris like, “Hey man, you need to get off the boards”. I’d be like, “Why?” And he’s like, “The Admins are getting on my case.” And he posts this conversation he has with the admin where the admin is like, “Hey Harris who’s Aziz?” and he’s like, “My cousin, why do you ask?” And he, goes “He’s posting on AP World wall, do you know what period he has AP World?” and Harris writes in all caps, “NOOOOOOO YOU GOTTA BOOT HIM NOW.” With like thirty O’s thirty W’s and fifty exclamation points. And other people are starting to get suspicious of my presence on the board as well only because I’m supposed to be in the ninth grade and I have a full beard. But I’m trying to act like I belong right like I’m in the class and I know what’s up. So I noticed some controversy about some quiz question and I said, “I know what I’ll do. I’ll go and independently do some research and I’ll post my findings on the board, they’ll think I’m smart and that I belong in the class.” So the next post I wrote was “Guys! I’ve been doing some research, I think the views on Christianity and Buddhism are far from similar and Buddhism salvation is something you can only achieve from the noble eightfold path where as in Christianity salvation is something to all those who accept Jesus Christ as their savior. Quote: “for whomever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Romans 10:13. I hate to say it guys but our teacher Mr. Edelstein is right.” BAM. And then I waited like two minutes and then I posted this, “Guys! I just got an email from Mr. Edelstein! He read what I wrote here and gave me an extra point on the quiz! He said I showed initiative and critical thinking skills. What a cool guy!” and then this kid replied, “ WHATTTTTT.” And then at this point Harris got fucking furious. He was like, “I don’t know if you should have posted that last wall post Aziz” and I was like, “Why?” He says, “What if people go in tomorrow and say, ‘Hey I heard you gave Aziz an extra point on the quiz can I get an extra point back too cause I put the same thing he did?’ and he’d be like, ‘I don’t teach Aziz that person doesn’t exist!’” And I was like, “Fuck you Harris! I do exist!” And then he starts attacking me publicly on the board like writing in all caps “AZIZ GET OUT THIS GROUP!!” With like a bunch of exclamation points and emoticons that are like (makes chomping noises). And I was like, “What’s that supposed to be Harris, you eating cinnabon all day?”
And then I start mounting my offensive. I start poking him like crazy and sending him vampire requests, whatever the fuck that is, and he’s like, “I don’t know what’s going on.” And then he writes up there, he goes, “Hey everyone, if I were you I wouldn’t go to Edelstein and ask to get the points back because I’m positive you won’t get the points back.” And I respond like, (speaks in a snarky tone) “No guys, I just got another email from Edelstein again, you’ll definitely get the points back. Just mention my name and the fact that I exist.” Fuck you Harris! And then this kids writes, “You’re not even in this class, you’re the guy from that TV show.” And some other kid writes, “What TV show are you on? And I write “Gossip Girl!” and then I got kicked the fuck out.
Um I do this TV show right now and you know when you’re promoting a TV show you gotta do a lot of interviews and I was doing an interview once and this guy goes, “So um you must be pretty psyched about this Slumdog Millionaire stuff” and I go, “Yeah, um I am but I don’t know why though because I have nothing to do with that movie”. Some people that kinda look like me are in that movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff. And I was like, “Woah woah woah are white people psyched all the time? It’s like Back to the Future is us, Godfather that’s us, Godfather Part Two that’s us, Departed that’s us, Sunset Boulevard that’s us, Citizen Kane that’s us, Jaws that’s us, every fucking movie but Slumdog Millionaire and Boyz in the Hood, black people suck our dicks! (chuckles to himself)
I did this show on MTV once and MTV’s great. They let us do this show where they let us make it awesome and make it however we want it and creatively they were so awesome and so cool. Some of the shows on the network are not really my cup of tea, only because I don’t like huge pieces of shit in my tea. I was watching this dating show on there called ‘Next’. Man, if anyone here been a contestant on ‘Next’ do me a favor and go away and die. Cause you’re a horrible person and I don’t want comedy bringing any kind of satisfaction into your miserable existence. First guy that comes out right, hes the guy going out on the dates, and he comes up there and he says “Yo, she better be pretty cause if she’s a pain in the ass I’m gonna need something pretty to look at.” And I was stunned that he could say that. That’s so offensive and at the same time on my show they didn’t want us to say that a character was raped by a dinosaur…raped by a dinosaur. Because that’s too offensive. I guess they didn’t want all these angry letters from paleontologists saying, “Hey man, there’s nothing on fossil records that suggests that kind of behavior, so why don’t you chill with your accusations.” And then after you meet this dude, you meet the girls he’s going out on the dates with. And they come up there and they say things like “If he has a neck tattoo, I’m gonna lick it.” (sticks tongue out and acts like licking) It’s like, “Woah, how slutty can you be in 5 seconds?” And after they say that they freeze and like three facts about them pop up on the left side. The first two facts are always really normal but the third fact always comes way out of left field. Its always like, “Monica’s 22, she’s a hairdresser in Hollywood, and she hates purple giftwrap.” How does that define her as a person? And the whole show bummed me out man cause the things they try to keep off TV are just like really explicit, sex or violence and no one cares about their kids seeing attitudes like that on TV and that’s way worse to me. Like I would much rather have a daughter that grew up and shot me in the leg and burned my house down than some really slutty girl who hates the sound of people eating bananas. My favorite third fact I ever saw on ‘Next’ though was this one guy named Clarence. His third fact was that he hates the phrase ‘riverview’. You didn’t mishear me, when the words river and view start coming together, Clarence is like, “Hold up don’t do that”. And I was like, “What would make a man hate the phrase riverview?” I could only think of one scenario and it’s terrible but I have to share it with you. So one day this guy Clarence was coming home right, he was walking down this dark alley and gets jumped by this motorcycle gang and they just start raping him and all he can see is this sign that says riverview and these guys are just like, “Say it Clyde, say it!” And he’s just like, “Riverview, riverview riverview, riverview.” So yeah if you were raped by the riverview rape gang, then hate the word riverview. Otherwise just stop looking at property in that area.
I think you notice something really weird about me when I’m doing that bit and that is I’m a really laid back rapist. I just bend my knees a little bit, very low impact, and anybody who was worried aboiut getting raped by me after the show is thinking, “Man it’s not going to be that bad. I got raped by Aziz after the show last night, that was pretty refreshing.”
I met this guy when I was back home last time who was a doctor and he moved from some country in Asia to Alabama. And I was like, “Man, out of all of the states in the country why would you choose Alabama?” And he goes, “Oh well I don’t have my green card yet, so if I work in a place that’s underserved like Alabama they’ll give me a waiver.” I was like, “Woah, that’s kinda a weird deal.” The government’s like, “Yeah you can come to the United States, yeah you, come on come on. But you gotta go to Alabama.” It’s kinda like a girl saying, “Yeah you can see me naked, but you can only look at my left elbow…and my left elbow is racist.”
I like living in L.A. The only thing I don’t like about living here is driving. I always get so bored when I’m driving and when I get bored I go on the internet on my Blackberry. So I’m going to die. And whenever they go through the records and they look at my phone they’re going to say, “Woah that’s what he looked up right before he died?” It’ll be so sad it’ll be like, “Comedian Aziz Ansari died in a car accident today: He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. Represntatives from Mr. Kilmer confirm that he was indeed in the film and hopes this to prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third Willow related death this year.” “Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while checking showtimes for UP on Fandango. He just purchased a single ticket for a 4:00 show at a $2 theatre in order to live out the saddest afternoon of all time.” “Comedy bad boy Aziz Ansari, aka comedy heartthrob Aziz Ansari, was killed in a awful automobile accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while googling his own name.” I actually do that man. It’s hard not to. Everyone I know google their own name to see what people write and it’s so funny people always think, “Oh man, he will never have time to read this.” (chuckles to himself) Yeah I do. I don’t do anything, I take naps all day. And I read this one time this girl had written about how she had a celebrity crush on me. And it’s funny because she never thought in a million years I’d read that. But I did. So one day I’m just gonna email her and be like, “Hey it’s me Aziz! I heard you have a celebrity crush on me. I’m a lot lonlier than you think I am. Where’s your house? I will come there now.”
I love performing at music festivals, that’s always fun. I did this festival called Bonnarroo and it’s really cool cause they have this indie rock stuff and like hippie stuff coming together. Like they had this weird hippie thing there called the ‘Sonic Forest’. And that was basically they had these poles set up and you’d slap the sides of the poles and the bells and whistles and lights would go off and they have thirty of them in this one area and that’s the sonic forest. And I was like, “Man, how dumb are these hippies that they could be entertained by something so stupid?” (chuckles to himself) And then the last day there I ate mushrooms and then I was like “Sonic foressstt, I totally get you now!”(crazily slapping imaginary poles) And I slapped the shit out of those poles for like four hours because the sonic forest is the greatest idea ever. I did a festival in Telluride, Colorado. It’s a ski town, not a lot of minorities. And I was talking to this dude and he was like, “Hey man, before you go I gotta ask you one question, where are you from?” And I was like well, I’m from South Carolina but my parents are from India.” And he went, “WHAT! But you talk exactly like I do!” and I was like, “Well here’s the thing, people come here from other countries and you know, they have children here and they grow up in the same society and sometimes they don’t have accents. They’re called immigrants.” And then I showed him a video of an Asian kid rapping and his head exploded.
I went to a place recently that I think is one of the most fucked up places I’ve ever been to. I’m convinced this place is the epitomy of American excess and greed. I’m talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Woah, if you have not been there the basic gist of cold stone is they take ice cream and then they go ape shit with it. They’re slamming brownies and gummy bears and just hammering it in there. Whatever the crap people want in there, snickers bar, cheeseburger, let me fuck a butterfinger into it for you. Its like, “Woah, woah, woah, Jesus. This is way too intense for me. Is that guy’s dick a butterfinger? What just happened? Woah, woah, woah. I think I’ll just a small cup of vanilla, this is all too intense for me.” The lady behind the counters like, “No no no you should try one of our creations like birthday cake remix, where we take cake batter ice cream, yellow cake mix, fudge chunks, and sprinkles.” And I’m like, “You know that just sounds too intense for me, I’ll just take a small cup of vanilla.” She goes, “Quit being a bitch!” Woah…and then I couldn’t even get a small because their sizes are actually like it, love it, and gotta have it. What kind of crack head terminology is that? “Hey what size do you want man?” “I don’t know, but I gotta have it! I want some ice cream in a cup. Im tweaking, I’m tweaking.” And you know I felt bad for people who have to work there, so I was like I’m gonna drop a couple dollars in the tip jar on my way out. Woah that’s when all hell broke loose. Because apparently when they even put a dollar in the tip jar, all five employees are required to bump out into a dance number where they take current popular music and shove cold stone lingo into it like they’re some retarded half cousin to Weird Al that’s obsessed with ice cream. It’s ridiculous. Five people are singing and dancing for a dollar. That’s twenty cents a person. If you saw a homeless person outside of cold stone and you said, “ Hey man, I’ll give you twenty cents if you sing some songs about Cold Stone.” He would go, “Hey man, go fuck yourself. That’s degrading!”
One thing that’s cool about doing those music festivals is you get to meet musicians and stuff that you’re a fan of and that’s always cool for me. I met MIA once and I was like, “I gotta say something cool to MIA because she’s so cool” and I was like, “This is what I’ll do, I’ll say something in Tamal because it’s this southeast Asian language that we both happen to speak.” Here’s the thing, I don’t speak Tamal that well. Like I would never say something like that I would say, “You have beautiful breasts.” I couldn’t say that, I could say (says something in tamal) which translates to “for you, right here, is awesome.” Which is a terrible line.
One time, in L.A., Kanye West came to one of my shows and I was so psyched. I’m such a huge Kanye West fan and everything he did to me was so funny. Like he was in the bathroom for a very long time and he came out he was like “Yo I was on an important phone call, I wasn’t taking a shit.” But um when he was leaving his was like, “Yo man, we should hang out sometime. That’d be cool right?” I was like, “Yeah that’d be crazy. I’m such huge fan that’d be awesome.” So this is the story of the first time I hung out with Kanye West: So he texts me and was like “Yo we’re at this club. Come down.” So I got my friend Jason, who is another guy who does not look like he belongs in a hip hop night club, and we head over there right. We get there and get to the club and they’re like, “Yo, we’re at capacity” and I was like, “Well Kanye West told me to come down.” And he was like, “Somebody’s gonna have to come and get you.” (laughs to himself) And so I texted Kanye and I was like, “They’re at capacity, someone has gotta come get me.” And before I could even hit send he sent me another text that said, (says in stern voice) “On my way”. He comes out and he was like (points and signals for them to go with him) and we go in and it was really cool for him to come get us and we go inside and he’s sitting at a table with Jay-Z and all these models and stuff and we just did not belong there. If someone took a photo of that table you’d be like, “Who photoshopped those two dudes in there? That was a really good job.” And you know, Jay-Z is there and he’s drinking vodka that he makes. How baller is that? Jay-Z signs the tab and money went back into his own pocket. He was like “You’re crazy for this one J, Hold! Pshhh.” And so Kanye eventually goes, “Hey man, we’re going back to the crib, wanna come down?” And we were like, “Yeah that’d be awesome, that’d be crazy to see your house.” So me and Jason get there early and there’s no one really there and we walk in and I hear 808’s and Heartbreak playing, which is his album. And I walk up and I see him sitting on the couch and he’s like (bops head to imaginary beat). I was like, “Yo man, are you listening to your own album, in your own house, bopping your own head?” And he goes “Yeah, these beats are dope.” And I go, “That’d be like if I had a stand up album and you came over to my house and I was listening to my jokes going hhahhah and I say, these jokes are dope.” And we’re talking about music or something on the radio and he cut me off and he said the greatest thing I will hear in my whole life he said, “Hold on a second, I’m gonna go look over there in the telescope at the girl with the big titties.” (acts like walking in opposite direction) And then later on he was talking about coming to my show and he was like, “Man I had a good time at your show” and I was like, “Yeah, thank you for coming” and he was like, “Aw man, you know what you need to do tonight? You need to do some of your jokes.” And I was like, “Oh man, you know what I need to do tonight? Not do that.” But he kept bringing it up like, “Come on man please, we need some jokes man it would be really cool.” And after a couple more drinks I was like, “Fuck it! I’ll do some jokes!” And next thing you know my friend Jason is like, “This next comedian coming to the stage” and I come into the living room and he’s got like thirty people arranged in his living room and I’m like telling my jokes and it was a nightmare situation for a comedian. But everyone was very nice and quiet and they listened and laughed. My favorite part was every now and then someone would be in the kitchen like making a drink or something like that and they’d make a little noise and Kanye would be like, “Yo shut the fuck up, my homie’s over here trying to make some jokes!” Which is the best thing somebody’s ever said at a comedy show.
My cousin Dawrish, who is Harris’ older brother, actually got into a little bit of a tiff with Kanye. Darwish is like eighteen years old and he just started listening to music, and he would always IM me about new bands he had heard of or whatever and one day he goes, “Have you ever heard of Kanye West’s song ‘I’m amazing’? It’s amazing! Are there any other good rappers I should listen to?” And I said, “Have you listened to any Wu Tang Clan?” And he said, “No, but I’ve heard of him. He raps a lot about karate right?” And I was like, “Not exactly.” So I copied that conversation and emailed it to Kanye and he responded back right away and he geos, “WOW! New fans! Yay! More people that don’t hate me!” that’s how his emails sound to me. And then a little bit later I get another IM from Darwish and he was like, “Aziz, that Kanye song ‘Flashing Lights’, that’s a rip off of a Ne-Yo song. Kanye stole that beat.” And I was like, “Really?” And he was like “Yeah, what’s Kanye’s email?” And I was like, “You’re really going to email him?” And he goes, “I don’t know it’s pretty messed up.” And I was like, “I’ll email him for you.” And so I email that conversation to Kanye and I say, “Oh shit, Darwish is accusing you of jacking beats homie.” And then he responds back right away, “NOOO, that song came out afterwards!!” And I showed that to Darwish and you know he apologized and I posted all of those conversations on my website and then the next day I went on Kanye’s blog and I saw this (points to picture of Dawrish and Kanye on cover of magazine that is put up on the screen on stage) “Kanye West vs. Darwish”. So I message Darwish and I say, “Darwish, have you been on Kanye West’s website before?” And responds, “Oh he’s got a website?” Keep in mind Darwish is like the hugest Kanye West fan right now. And I was like, “Have you been on his website?” and he was like, “No”. So I said, “Go on there right now” and he goes on there and he was like, (yelling) “WHAT!!! I GOTTA GO CHANGE MY FACEBOOK STATUS.” Click. (acts like his phone just shut off)
My favorite musician that I’ve ever met was R. Kelly. And um, in case you’re not familiar, R.Kelly is a brilliant R&B singer slash crazy person. They did an interview with him on BET and the guy doing the interview was probably like me you know, a huge fan of R. Kelly and his music and hopes he really didn’t do those terrible things he’s accused of. So first question the guy goes, “So Robert, are you attracted to teenage girls?” And if you’re Robert all you have to do is go, “No, no” But that’s not what R. Kelly does. R Kelly goes, “Define teenage.” Literally the worst answer. A worse answer would have been for him to say “Ha yeah” So that’s the person we’re dealing with. I go to his concert with my friend Jason. We get there, show is sold out, and people are psyched for R. Kelly. Jason looks over at me and goes, “Hey Aziz, me and you are the only two white people at this concert” And I was like, “First of all Jason, I’m not white. Second of all you’re the only white guy at this concert…we might kill you Jason!” So the concert starts and it’s incredible. R. Kelly is an incredible showsman. He has this part in the show where he has sex with an invisible woman. You can see the sound effects. He’s like taking off her blouse (zzzt),(whuvp),(dsh,dsh,dsh),(boom). And then when he does the boom, a spotlight comes out of his cock and goes over the whole audience like he’s cumming on the whole crowd! Then the spotlight hits the screen and the screen explodes! (jumps off of ground) And I was like, “Woah you aren’t going to see shit like that at a Modest Mouse concert, wow!” And then there’s like all this other weird stuff, like at one point he leaves the stage and they cut to a video of him playing basketball with his friends. Its about four minutes long and then he comes back on stage and goes to the next song and doesn’t address why he showed that video!!! (appears to be flustered) You can’t do shit like that! I can’t leave the stage, show you some video of me playing foosball with my friends and come back and be like, “Man, iPhones are crazy.” You’d be like, “Man, what’s up with that video you showed?! You’ve gotta explain that shit. That was weird!” Then you know we go backstage and meet him at the end of the show. He was very nice. He was like, “ Hey, you guys should come to this after-party we’re doing” and I was like, “Yeah sure.” So we go to this nightclub and once again, Jason and I are the only two white people there and when people know R. Kelly is in a nightclub, people lose their shit. And when he took the stage, people went nuts. And he started doing that song that’s like “I’m in love with a stripper” and he’s doing the song and at one point this woman jumps on the stage and starts giving him a lap dance. And she finishes the lap dance and R. Kelly starts going “Who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit?” Second woman comes on stage and gives him an even crazier lap dance. R. Kelly goes “who can top that shit, who can top that shit, who can top that shit?” Third woman comes on stage with humongous breasts, whips them out, and slaps the first three rows. R. Kelly’s head just goes (shakes head back and forth very fast) and R. Kelly’s head just pops out and goes “Woahhh…ain’t nobody gonna top that shit…I’m out.” And he leaves. And I was like, “Woah, what a performance.” But my absolute favorite part of the R. Kelly show was like twenty minutes in and he stops everything and starts talking to the crowd, and whats great about that is R. Kelly doesn’t talk like you and I talk. He talks like R. Kelly talks. So he goes like this: (in a sing-song voice) “Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know the name of this building. But the people that run this building, they said Robert, uh they said Robert, uh they said Roobbbert. You’ve only been on stage for twenty minutes but it’s already getting too freakkkyyy tonightttttt. They said Robert, they said mother-fucking Robert, there will be no touching of this area (moves hand in front of crotch area) tonighttttt. Do you wanna know what I told ‘em? I said LA do you wanna know what I told em? I said LA do you wanna know what I said to these people when they said that to me do you want to know what I tolddddd ‘em? I said I’m a grown (hip thrust) ass (hip thrust) maaaaaan (hip thrust) and I can do whatever I want tonniggghhtt. LA can I do my show?” and everyone was like, “Fuck yeah I don’t know what this is.” And that was the greatest concert I’ve ever seen. Thank you guys so much!! Thank you guys, thank you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Um this next bit I wanted to do is something a little different. I played this character in the movie Funny People named Randy who is a stand up comedian and when I did the movie I wrote jokes for Randy and I enjoy doing them so I thought it would be fun to do a little bit of Randy in the special. So we’re gonna do a little bit where it’s basically what would Randy do if he had a special. Give me a second I’ll be right back. (Aziz exits and stage goes black)
(Siren noises begin to go off and spotlight hits a DJ with a turn-table)
DJ: Y’all are about to be amazed in ways you’ve never been amazed before. I’m talking if y’all got a second set of skin, y’all better break it out cause we’re fixing to burn it off y’all. Y’all aint seen shit like this since you turned around and looked at your momma’s vagina and watched yourself getting born. Lets get it starteddddd. (siren noise goes off but beats drop) Here, prepare to be amazed, it’s going down. (4 female dancers enter stage and start dancing) Put your hands together, make noise, smack your neighbor in the face if you can, cause it’s my man Raaaaaaaandy!
(enter Aziz, dressed like Randy in a sparkly silver jacket, throwing out money)
DJ: He’s throwing out money on y’all cause he’s spitting out large amounts, its Raaaaaaandy!
Randy (Aziz): Wasssup! My name is Raaaaaaaandy with 8 A’s. If y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off lemme hear ya say yeah. (crowd says yeah) I said if y’all are ready to laugh your dicks off lemme hear ya say yeah. (louder, the crowd says yeah again) Alright, then it’s Randy time. Let’s do this shit — — First joke: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, it’s time for another one of Randy’s crazy fuck stories, aka a fuck tale. If y’all wanna hear a fuck tale lemme hear y’all go “fuck tale ooh uu uu”. (crowd responds fuck tale ooh uu uu) Since you asked so nicely I’ll tell you one. I was hooking up with this girl recently, (sings) in a fucking hot tub, and we’re sitting there doing our thing, it’s going great, and then she’s like (in a girl-like whining voice) “Randy, randy, randy, will you go down on me?”. And I was like “Yes, I can definitely do that”. But here’s the thing y’all, we were in a hot tub, so I had to do that shit — — underwaterrrr (strobe lights and siren noises go off). So, I hold my breath and I go down there and I’m looking around like (pretends to be swimming by using hand motions) looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy, looking for the pussy. Bam! I find it and I start doing my thing, it’s going great. But eventually I’m like “Damn, I can’t hold my breath that much longer, I gotta come up for air”. But this girl held my head under the water. That aint cool ladies. Who knows what I’m talking about? (points to a random guy in the crowd) This guy definitely knows what I’m talking about. But I came up for air and things were fine. But I kinda wish I would have drowned, because that would have been the most baller death of all time. It would have been like “Hey Randy’s parents, there’s been a conalingus accident… Yeah, Randy was eating pussy underwater — — I know it’s awesome, but he’s dead”. I had this awesome headstone that says ‘Here lies Randy, he died eating pussy’ and it would have my handprint right there and everytime you walked by my handprint would you give you a high five. (giving air high five while jumping)Buhbam! Buhbam! Buhbam! Fellas you ever been in this situation, you got a girl back at your place and she’s down and you’re like (begins chanting) “I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on tonightttt — Yes. I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on, I’m gonna get my fuck on tonighhttt”. And she’s like, “Randy! Stop dancing!”. And you do. You stop dancing and you head to the bedroom and you’re about to set it off and what happens every time you get to this moment fellas, what happens everyyy time you get to this moment? You gotta take a huge shitttt. So you get to the bathroom and you start playing a game Randy likes to call ‘Make a lot of noise so I doesn’t sound like you’re taking a shittttt’. You’re cutting on the sink and the shower and your girl’s like, “Randy what’s going on in there?” and you’re like, “Nothing!” and then it’s not enough noise so you gotta run to the kitchen. Next thing you know you’re blending carrots and celerys and tomatoes and she’s like, “Randy, what are you doing in there?” and I’m like, “Bitch, I’m making you a smoooooooothie!”. Then you go back to the bedroom and what does she say? What does she alway say? (in a woman’s voice) “Randy, randy, randy, I gotta go peee.” (yells) Nooooo!! You gone smell my shitttt! (sirens and strobes)
I was thinking about this the other day: you now what must be crazy? Getting your dick sucked in an igloo. How are you supposed to be hard when it’s so coolddd? It would be like (in a woman’s voice)“Esikmo Randy, eskimo Randy, eskimo version of Randy, can I give you a blow job?” and I be like, (acts like shivering from cold) “Nooooo gimme a blanket! My dicks coolddddd!”.
DJ: You better knock that shit off. It’s too cold.
Aziz: Fellas, do you know how to get your girl to the do the crazy shit? I mean the crazy shit. You can’t just ask in your normal voice. Like if I gotta girl back at my place and I’m like “Hey let’s have sex in my kitchen”, she be like no, Randy, no. But if I ask her in my smooth sexy voice, if I’m like (starts singing) “Girllll, I’m saying girllll, I wanna fuck you in my kitchen toniggght, by my fridge, by my oven, by my Forman grill.” She be like, “Damn randy, let’s do that shit noowwwww”. Next thing you know you fucking in my kitchen.
DJ: That’s right, Randy fucking and making chicken since ’86, bitches.
A: You guys like impressions? Alright this is my impression of me, Randy, getting a blowjob at an Ikea. “Excuse me, can you point me in the direction of home furniture? Woaahhh.” (looks at crotch as if getting a blowjob)
(strobe lights start flashing to the beat of his yelling)
DJ: I call that shit a ‘oppsk’.
A: This is my impression of me randy getting a blow job at a whole foods. “Excuse me are those organic strawberries or are those, woahhhh”. (impersonates getting a blowjob by rocking hips)
DJ: She gave you a fair trade blowjob. (spoken into microphone with a smirk on his face)
A: Yeah, you guys now, anybody shout out a suggestion I’ll do an impression of me, Randy, getting my dick sucked there. Six flags?? Here we go. “Um…excuse me, can you show me the thing where you roll the uh… what is it called, skee balllllllll”. (looks at crotch while yelling)
DJ: You must be this tall to ride Randy’s dick. (spoken in a suggestive tone)
Aziz: Keep ‘em coming. What else? Funeral? Oh you trying to stump Randy, huh? You don’t think Randy gets his dick sucked at funerals? You’re about to get dealt with. This is my impression of me, Randy, getting my dick sucked at a fucking funeral. “Hey, I just wanted to say that…. um this is really hard for me to say… but im really sorry for your losssssss!” (yells while shaking hips)
Thank you guys so much, my name’s Randy. Good night!
DJ: Make some fucking noise for Randy!!!!
(music and strobe lights go off) (Aziz hops off stage)
End of transcription
Aziz admits that what he does in standup is actually “shit.” He claims that, “most standup is pretty bad.” An interesting situation that has developed from alt comedy is the unintentional creation of a large generational gap. Aziz recalls, “At comedy clubs, there was, like, bachelorette parties and older people and at these quote-unquote alternative rooms, there’d be kids my age, college kids, younger people.” The fascinating phenomenon however is the fact that both sides of the generation gap find Aziz absolutely hilarious.
Now, Aziz is caught somewhere between being a minor celebrity and trying to hang out with all of the biggest names in Hollywood. Since this sudden urge to become some sort of hot shot celebrity, Aziz has become a bit awkward at the beginning of his recent skits, politely asking fans not to take pictures of him while on stage because the flash is too great of a distraction for him. However, he follows his somewhat rude remark with a grace-period in which he poses in ridiculous ways for his fans to get a chance to take a picture of him.
Something that I found to be very interesting was the fact that Aziz’s outfits have developed as his comedy career has. When he was strictly performing at clubs, he would come on stage with a t-shirt and some jeans on. However, as he has begun his theatre leg of his standup tour, he has upgraded his wardrobe to a different suit per show. This isn’t typically something a male figure does on his own. However, Aziz isn’t like most men his age.
As Ansari continues to enhance his standup performances, he needs to make it his priority that the crude intensity of his character Randy is always present, but at no time predominant.
Ansari’s greatest trait that he brings to the world of standup comedy is that he can implausibly analyze absurd behavior and not proceed with imitation or resentment, as many of his colleagues would, but instead he advances with astonishment. Instead of getting angry at the ridiculous world that we live in today, he finds pleasure in picking apart every aspect of our daily, outrageous lives. He chooses parts of everyone’s lives that are relatable and therefore makes everyone involuntarily laugh. His most favorite topic to discuss with the audience is the use of technology to form relationships. He states his opinion on the topic and then allows the audience to input theirs. This is what is so unique about Aziz Ansari’s work; he includes the audience and works off of their reactions.
What’s next for Aziz Ansari, you may ask? Well his new specical, “Aziz Ansari Live at Madison Square Garden” just hit Netflix. Also, he has an upcoming book entitled “Modern Romance” landing on shelves June 16. However, this isn’t just a typical celebrity memoir, it is an investigation. Ansari teams up with sociologist Eric Klinenberg and they travel around the world interviewing hundreds of different people in order to figure out the true mystery behind modern romance. Ansari has become a multimedia superstar in such a short amount of time.
Ansari, with much influence from his idols, is creating a new face of comedy for today’s era.
Works Cited
Anderson, Gordon L. The Family in Global Transition. St. Paul, Minn.: Professors World Peace Academy ;, 1997.
Ansari, Aziz. “Buried Alive.” Netflix. November 1, 2013. Accessed March 31, 2015.
Cell, John W. “The Highest Stage of White Supremacy.” (1982): 3–5.
Letterman, David. “Aziz Ansari Is a Feminist — David Letterman.” YouTube. October 7, 2104. Accessed March 30, 2015.
Lipsitz, George. The Possessive Investment in Whiteness: How White People Profit from Identity Politics. Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1998.
Lovejoy, Heather. “Stand-up comedy making a comeback.” Florida Times-Union, The (Jacksonville, FL), March 25, 2011., Newspaper Source Plus, EBSCOhost (accessed March 30, 2015).
Stern, Howard. “The Howard Stern Show — Aziz Ansari Interview (2014–10–06).” YouTube. December 11, 2014. Accessed March 30, 2015.
