Should Grooms Stay Out of the Way of Wedding Planning?
My favorite part about starting this blog is talking to other grooms and hearing how many of us share the same experiences. We all have a lot of questions. Should grooms stay out of the way, should we not? What should we do?
Some of the guys are much further along the wedding planning journey than I am so I love hearing their perspective.
What follow’s is an awesome guest post that Caleb has contributed to our little experiment here. Take it away, man!
I am super particular about pretty much everything. I refuse to clean the house when my fiancé is home because I don’t want her to see just how into it I can get… plus, I don’t want her to get in the way of my cleaning rampage or judge my horrible taste in music.
If I get that crazy about sweeping the floors, you can bet your butt that I didn’t follow the outdated philosophy that grooms stay out of the way of wedding planning. Instead, I took the reins.
The venue, caterer, DJ, photographer, tuxedo rental, time of day — everything was specifically outlined in a Google Sheets page. That page even included who we sent invites to and whether or not they RSVP’d. I went all in.
What I didn’t expect to run into, though, was the amount of surprise I encountered when I would make phone calls to the vendors or gripe to coworkers about the cost of catering or all the damn rustic weddings I ran into on Pinterest.
“You’re planning the wedding? But do you even know what you’re doing? Grooms stay out of the way. Just leave it to the bride. It’s her day.”
Well, yes, it is a big day for my fiancé, which is why I consulted with her about everything before the decision (and payment of our souls) was made. But she also has other things to worry about and plenty of plates she’s spinning. I wanted to make it less stressful for her so she could actually enjoy her wedding.
You know what, guys? It’s your big day, too.
As Scotty Carnahan, a groom getting married in September said, “I bought the ring. I asked the question that started this whole process. I’m not going to stay out of the way now.”
I’m not saying take over the wedding planning entirely, unless your bride-to-be “literally could not care less,” but don’t be ashamed to get into picking out the table linens or figuring out your first dance as bride and groom. It’s okay to negotiate with vendors and discuss seating charts with your fiancé.
“But, grooms stay out of the way. Men don’t plan. Men don’t care about flowers. Men only want to deal with food or the honeymoon (wink wink).”
Look, let’s be real: The food is the best part of the wedding. I think most people can agree on that. And you know who decided on our caterer and how much of our wedding budget would go towards catering? My fiancé. And you know what I did? I picked out the venue. I made sure that my tuxedo would be complimentary to her wedding dress… and I made sure our dog had a matching tux.
There’s absolutely nothing emasculating about helping to plan your wedding. This single event symbolizes spending the rest of your life with that one person you can’t imagine not waking up to every morning. It’s a celebration of love, happiness, and family. I planned out a majority of our wedding and you know what? It didn’t make me less of a man. In fact, my fiancé appreciated it because it was one less thing she needed to worry about.
There are certain obstacles men may face when it comes to helping plan the big day. For photographer Carley York’s now-husband, that obstacle was anxiety.
“[His] anxiety was the main factor,” she said. “Just talking about it was setting off his anxiety like none other, so at one point he said do whatever you want. He just didn’t want me asking about it anymore. We both agreed that our ceremony suffered because he wouldn’t help. Afterwards, he felt terrible.”
Other guys try to help out, but get swept up in the overall stress.
“[My husband] tried to help out with as much as he could and got really into certain parts of the wedding,” Virginia-based Anna Zimmerman told me. “Planning a wedding in general is just SO stressful because you want it to be special for you and your partner, but you also want everyone else to feel taken care of and it’s just a huge balancing act!”
So, in general, planning a wedding takes a few things: patience, communication, team work, and — at least for me — a nice, cold beer at the end of the day.