I Have 20,000 Dollars In Loans From Harvard So Sure You Can Pay Me To Help Your Kid Get In
Dear Dr. and Mr. Wells,
I received your email requesting my services in “doing whatever is necessary” to get your son Alex into Harvard University and am contacting you now to say, fuck it, sure.
Ordinarily, as a tutor, I would have ethical objections to contributing to the already substantial gap in opportunity between wealthy families and those of more limited means in academically dishonest ways, but one of my loans is charging me 6.8% interest right now so I could really use that 200$ an hour.
According to the information you’ve sent me, Alex’s SAT and ACT scores are certainly above average and well within the middle 50% for a lot of schools that I would call excellent even though you called them “not reflective of his talents and abilities,” “embarrassing to say at Galas or the Emmys,” and “in the midwest.” Northwestern, Wash U, and University of Michigan are fine schools that are where I think Alex would really thrive with members of his peer group, but honestly, fine, I can take the test again for him and probably get a perfect score (for the 3rd time). You’ll pay someone else if you don’t pay me and I’m six years out of Harvard with an honors degree, five roommates, and owe the government tens of thousands of dollars for the diploma that I’m about to earn a second time, apparently. I only take cash or Venmo for tax purposes.
Alex’s position as captain of the JV Tennis team as well as his Eagle scout honors make him an absolutely fantastic candidate for the honors program at many of the formidable institutions that you referred to as “back back back backkkk ups”. But, no, those activities alone do not guarantee him Harvard admission. Many Harvard applicants work to support their families in high school, found charitable organizations, or even achieve professional success in their chosen field before the age of 18 and still don’t get accepted. But whatever, for 2k I can build Alex a fully functional business on Wix, create an outside volunteer organization for him to be the president of, and write him a recommendation letter for your friend, the ambassador to Canada to sign. Integrity is a privilege my indebted ass is too tired to afford if I’m also going to buy groceries and send a check home to my parents.
As far as the essay is concerned, I usually have a policy against writing the essays for my students. It seems unfair to the young aspiring writers out there to have a 28 year-old professional writer stepping in for someone who’s destined to follow in his father’s footsteps as the CEO of TechLeisure. But most publications pay a maximum of 150 dollars for 800 words, so honestly this is the most lucrative writing I’ll do this year.
Alex has expressed concern to me that his Harvard experience will be colored by the sideways glances of students who feel that he only gained admittance because his parents paid someone off. (He even mentioned that he’d be perfectly happy going to a bigger school with a spirited sports program.) You can reassure him, however, (and I will do the same during one of our $350 Skype sessions) that those students will graduate with much more financial and career uncertainty than he will! I mean, look at me! I owe the big H a huge chunk of change and I work in a mid-level marketing firm writing blog posts about travel credit cards (for my full-time job. I have 4 jobs).
In summary, yeah. I’ll do it. A lot of people say getting into and attending Harvard completely changes your life.
But until mine changes enough for me to not need your money, I’m your girl.
Anna Brown, Class of 2013
History and Literature, Lowell House