While in Florida he racked up just enough cash to get by on a day to day bases, but he was not yet popular in the comedy world. In 1999 Williams moved to Los Angeles, the city of angels (the place where dreams come to die). Luckily for Williams, within a year and a half he began to achieve success. He performed at places such as the Laugh Factory, The Improv, The Comedy Store, and The Icehouse. In the Summer of 2001, he was awarded Cedric the Entertainer’s Anheiser-Busch “Best Los Angeles Comic’s Award.” This was a huge achievement in Williams’ career, and in October of 2001, Katt went on his first theatrical audition at New Line Cinema for Friday After Next, and landed the role of “Money Mike,” which has contributed to a huge portion of his loyal fan base.

Williams may be the king of the jungle on stage, but he has gotten into an abundance of altercations with law enforcement. Meanwhile, each arrest knocks off one of his nine lives, and in his case he’s lost twelve…so he’s a little in debt on his lives. He may be flawed in this area of his life, but he makes up for it in his naturally paternal instincts. Williams has seven adopted and adored children and one beloved biological one who he jokes about being “evened out” by the prescription drug Ritalin. For each life he’s lost, one of his cherished children makes up for it.

Williams has a bright mind despite his rapidly increasing wrap sheet. When he’s on stage every word and movement holds meaning. While he may joke about poor little Tink Tink and Bush’s desperate need for a GPS, It’s Pimpin’ Pimpin’ is about more than just about poking fun. As he takes a pause on stage to let the audience let out a hearty laugh he roars back with a rant that induces the audience into a contemplative coma so they can reevaluate their chuckles. He’s emotionally charged and passionate as his static electricity flows out into the crowd. In this stand-up he preaches about the ever so present racial injustices that are equally as present today in 2015, as they were back in 2008, “Forty years after Martin Luther King’s assassination, we still got still got racism right the fuck now.” Static stereotypes swarm around and confine humanity into a flooded four-sided cube, and the urgency of taking care of your star player, yourself.

In the years leading up to the 2008 election the image of a black president had been toyed with in many modes of media, including forms of literature, movies, and television. The Cosby Show was the first television series that depicted a positive picture of a black household in America. This allowed for the classic stereotype of blacks being “thugs” and “ghetto” to be laid to rest for the time being. The television show, 24, in which Dennis Haysbert portrayed a black president, may have opened the eyes of the population to this foreign idea of having a black president, raising the question as to whether a television series can “ready the populace for change.”

In 2008 the election of the century occurred. For the first time ever a black male was in the running for president, Barack Obama. Although, Williams offers up the reasonable suggestion of dating a president before hopping into a relationship, he is enthusiastic about Obama’s campaign. As he mockingly pretends to flip through a history book he points out an obvious pattern, “White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white. Give me the vice presidents. white, white, white,white, white, white.” Williams has immense pride for his heritage and he preaches this throughout his stand-up routine. “The fuck you don’t like niggas. Niggas is an American success story. You ain’t gonna talk me out of my love for niggas. Niggas is the shit. Niggas went from being like dogs ‘til now. That’s why I keep saying the word “nigga,” ‘cause I want them to remember what the fuck it came from.” Katt Williams is a fierce feline and on stage he is the King of the Jungle.

Debut

…

[voice over the speaker] D.C.! Get on your motherfucking feet and give it up for Katt Williams!

[Williams revels in the applause]

Ok, goddamn it. What’s going on in this bitch?

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, goddamn it. Oh. Oh. To the rest of the world, this is what D.C. looks like.

[laughter]

And that’s wonderful ‘cause it’s beautiful, and y’all really do have some historical, wonderful places to look at. What y’all don’t find out till you’re actually in D.C.

[laughter]

…is that while you looking at this, D.C. is actually behind you, and D.C. look like this, “What’s going on, my niggas?”

Whoo! D.C. — nothing fucking like it. I’m so happy to be here. Y’all motherfuckers have been wonderful.

Before I get started, what a motherfucking pleasure it is with all the hating going on in the world to be surrounded by this many real motherfuckers at one goddamn time. It is certainly a pleasure-certainly a fucking pleasure I got a — there’s so much going on in the world right now, and I need to say, the real motherfuckers, you’re gonna have to be a little bit more selfish in 2008. You’re not selfish enough. Motherfuckers go all day tryin’ to please other people and shit, and you forgetting, you got to please your star player — the motherfucker that’s in the mirror, looking at you every goddamn day. That need to be the motherfucker you’re concerned about.

“Nigga, how are you doin’ today?”

Nigga, fuck what they talkin’ about? Some of y’all niggas is mean to
yourselves, say terrible shit to yourself. I lie to me every morning in the mirror, just ridiculous lies, to make me feel better.

“Nigga, did you catch growth spurt last night? Nigga you look like you’re gonna be 5’5 ½” today, nigga. This is a tall day for you.”

You better say some shit in 2008 to motivate your motherfucking self ‘cause if you’re a real motherfucker, they hate you with every fucking thing they got. They can’t stand it. They hate what you look like, what you’re wearing, what you’re driving, what you talk about, what you think about. They fucking hate it, and you gonna have to understand that’s the way it is.

Have you ever caught a motherfucker looking at you with “I just caught the stomach virus” face? You ever just out of your peripheral just caught a motherfucker just…

[makes a disgusted face]

Like everything about you really fuck with them —that’s what the fuck is supposed to happen. You got to remember to laugh in 2008. You ain’t got to wait for a joke, the hater is the goddamn joke. Soon as you see that motherfucker, you supposed to laugh immediately, just…

[Williams laughs hysterically]

I know why you mad, nigga. I know why you mad.

*sings* It might be bugs, on the rest of you mugs, but it ain’t no bugs on me ah.

I know why you’re mad, nigga you gonna have to be happy and be in tune with your star player ‘cause these motherfuckers is on some bullshit. If you watch TV, all they want to talk about is the election — it’s time for a new president. I think, first, we need to celebrate the fact that Bush ain’t gonna be the president no goddamn more first — first. This motherfucker, I don’t understand. How the fuck do you get a job and fuck up…

Ev-er-y-thing?

Ev-er-y-thing?

Ev-er-y-thing.

This motherfucker has fucked up ev-er-y-thing. Gas, water, air-ev-er-y-thing. And he’s not just stupid, Bush don’t even give a fuck. He won’t even try. At least if you stupid, you should try. He don’t even try. I don’t even know why he go to the press conference. He don’t even be talking about shit they
even be talking about.

They just, “What do you think about the problem in Darfur?”

[imitates George Bush]

“You get on that horse, you got to ride it.”

Who the fuck asked him about a goddamn horse? Then he walk off like he done really said some shit.

[struts around wobbly]

This motherfucker don’t give a shit. Bush done led this country lost for eight goddamn years. For eight fucking years, we’ve been not finding the same one motherfucker we was looking for in the first place.

The same one motherfucker — not a gang, not a group, not a country. The same one motherfucker — the tall one with the beard and the robes and the kidney problem and the dialysis machine, lived in a cave, doing the video right now. we still ain’t found that same one motherfucker, but they know everything T.I. did at the Hip-Hop awards.

They got that shit down in 5-minute increments, just 9:00, 9:05, 9:010, 9:15, 9…don’t know why that says 9:010. Some of you niggas couldn’t wait, “That dumbass nigga said 9:010”

[laughter]

That’s not even a real time that nigga’s saying. Bush is a motherfucking ass. He don’t give a shit. Every time you see our soldiers, they tired as shit from marching in the wrong goddamn direction. Every time you see them, just….

[ stomps tiredly across the stage]

“Y’all going the wrong way.”

“We know.”

Well, no shit. Two weeks ago on CNN, they said Pakistan is terror central. Pakistan? That’s not what the fuck you motherfuckers said — Pakistan. You said [counting on his fingers] Afghanistan, then you said Iran, then Iraq, then Syria, then Baghdad.

You motherfuckers have no idea where terror is do you? And why the fuck is we chasing terror if terror can’t even keep a home address? Maybe terror ain’t doing well right now.

Well, Bush don’t give a fuck. He don’t give a fuck and white people, y’all are too nice. Just let a motherfucker fuck up the greatest country for eight years in a fucking row white people, you’ll just let the driver of the car be lost for miles and miles and miles, and they won’t even say nothing — just sit in the backseat and talk shit quietly to each other and shit.

[laughter]

[Williams makes a disgusted face]

[mockingly] “I don’t think they even know where they’re going.”

“No, ‘cause we passed that three times.”

“Remember? I took a picture with my cameraphone.”

You do remember. As niggas, we ain’t got no patience. You can’t even be the lost driver of niggas ‘cause we ain’t got enough patience. Soon as your ass make two suspect lefts, your ass is no longer the goddamn driver. Niggas ain’t got no patience if one nigga in the back go…

“Hey, you got to pull this motherfucker over, nigga you can’t be the driver if you don’t know where the fuck you going. We got warrants back here, nigga. We can’t be lost, just looking around.”

Bush is a motherfucking ass. He don’t give shit. He think he can just go over there and fuck with all the countries that got brown people in it, then come back over here to America like everything’s gonna be okay. Everything ain’t gonna be okay you can ask a nigga. You can go in the club and say “fuck
everybody in the club.” But you cannot then walk back to your car. I keep trying to tell you. Go ahead. try it. try it.

[walks stupidly across the stage]

“Fuck everybody in the club.”

Now go back to your car. Wait for it.

[imitates getting shot]

Fucker, I was trying to tell you.

[laughter]

And now, it’s time for a new president, and all they want us to do is pick a new president. I feel, like, didn't we just get out of a fucked-up relationship?

Maybe we don’t need a president right now. Can we be single as a country for a while and maybe date a president, see how that work out for a couple months. This shit is bullshit. I been confused, the whole goddamn election, been confused ‘cause everybody’s commercials sound good at 2:30 in the goddamn morning, and you done had a rough day and shit.

They just, “Do you care about your family?” [disgusted/confused face]

“Yes, I do.”

“Is health care important to you?”

“Well, yes, it is.”

No, nigga, this motherfucker know me personally this ain’t no regular campaign the motherfucker’s in my family life. I’ve been confused the whole goddamn election.

Before Barack came along, I was excited about Hillary. I thought it was gonna be a good thing for us to have a woman in the office. I felt like at least if we had a woman president, we wouldn’t have to worry about what other countries was doing because the bitch gonna be on espionage on day one. that’s gonna be her first shit:

“You know I got China’s voice-mail messages today, right? I’m gonna get the Myspace password by 10:30.”

“Give me a second, bitch. this is my first day.”

But then Hillary came and started acting cocky for no goddamn reason like she should have been president al-goddamn-ready, like…

“You motherfuckers need to Google me. I’ve been running countries before
this.”

She can’t stand Barack’s good-talking ass. Every time that nigga say something clever, she just…

[makes snarky face]

[laughter]

I don’t know what Hillary was thinking, and she just thought she was gonna inherit the minority vote. Like she was just gonna get the nigga vote off top wait a minute, bitch we don’t know you like that. No. No, bitch. We liked your husband. We liked your husband. That’s not the same thing. You wasn’t even on the invitation. It said “Bill Clinton plus one.” We didn’t know who he was gonna bring. I was voting for Monica for no goddamn reason. I thought she was coming back.

I’m just saying. You can’t think niggas forget. Niggas don’t forget. Last time I checked, you wasn’t handling the presidential penis correctly, so I’m trying to figure out if you can’t handle a dick, bitch, how are you gonna handle the world? That’s a big place I’m just saying. Fuck that was your main missile to look after, that was Air Force One you let fly the fuck off. How the fuck?

I been confused the whole goddamn election. When it comes to Barack, white people, I know it’s not fair, but y’all you need to just give us a minute to just be proud for a goddamn second can we just be proud? Shit. This is history. You selfish motherfuckers. White people, ain’t y’all had all the goddamn presidents? Go to the library and get the president book…

[flipping through an imaginary book] White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white. Give me the vice presidents. white, white, white,white, white, white.

Niggas ain’t never even had a chance. Some niggas still don’t believe it, just,

“Nigga I think I saw Tiger Woods running for president on SportsCenter, nigga. He had on his green jacket and everything. That nigga’s a winner. He really is.”

I don’t know white people, I don’t think you should vote for somebody just ‘cause of they race, but I will say, if you was ever gonna vote for a nigga… if you was ever gonna vote for a nigga, this is the nigga to vote for right here. This is the one. Yes. Absolutely. ‘Cause he is nigga light. This nigga been running for two years. He ain’t had no baby mama come out the woodwork. this nigga don’t owe nobody $200 for nothing. He ain’t never had a pitbull puppy. Don’t have an earring. Never had a tattoo. Where the fuck did you get this nigga from — a cave in Salt Lake City? Some-goddamn-where. This nigga’s like a black superhero. This nigga’s amazing.

[singing] I believe he can fly.

Thank God for Michelle Obama. That’s a real nigga. Barack may be a clone, but Michelle Obama is a thoroughbred nigga. You can look right on TV and tell that’s a real nigga. You know if you walk up on her in person she smell like Motion’s hair conditioner and cocoa butter. That’s — mmm-mmm. that’s a real nigga right there. Somebody go to Jeremiah Wright’s church and tell him to shut the fuck up while we’re trying to make some goddamn progress. Niggas were so embarrassed, “Oh, nigga, don’t fuck it up yet. Goddamn.”

I been confused the whole fucking election. I’m just glad Huckabee had to drop out the goddamn race because I was gonna leave the goddamn country if we had to have a president named motherfucking Huckabee. That’s where we should draw the goddamn line. We can’t go from a Bush to a motherfucking Huckabee all in the same goddamn jump. Have all the other countries fucking with us at the United Nations and shit.

[Middle-Eastern accent]

“You are with Huckabee, yes? You are followers of Huckabee, yes?”

How the fuck you gonna be president and your name sound like bullshit weed? Nigga, don’t even come over here with the big-ass bag of Huckabee, nigga. Ain’t nobody interested in that shit. Like smoking a cactus. Some of you niggas can’t even laugh cause you got a big-ass bag of Huckabee in your pocket right now.

[sits on stool caressing his knee as if there is weed inside]

Mccain can’t be president cause he 100-and-fucking-11. I’m sorry. I know it ain’t fair, but god damnit, you can’t be the president during a time of change, and you might have a diaper that’s time to change that’s just — that shit don’t even go together. Fuck that. At 111, you got too many fucked-up memories of niggas. First of all, you’ve been all fucked around and had a flashback at 111.

“What is your last name? I think I use to own your grandfather. What is your last name?”

Did you hear what that motherfucker said to Condoleezza Rice? Mccain can’t be president. Fuck that. His memory can’t be good at 111. I got an uncle that’s 67. We don’t let that nigga drive after 7:00p.m. Cause he’ll forget he driving everybody and jump out to go pee and leave the car running right down the street and shit. Mccain 111, he been lost the military or some shit. It’s time for war, he just wake up, “Where’s the army?” Everybody waiting on the army in Baghdad. He sent everybody to Southeast Berry Farms for no goddamn reason.

[laughter]

Too much motherfucking shit going on is my motherfucking point. There’s too much fucking shit going on. That’s why you gonna have to make a dedication to yourself that you gonna treat your star player a little bit nicer in 2008. Some of us go through our whole life trying to please other motherfuckers, and you can’t please nobody. People in your family mad. People at your job mad. People in your car mad. Every m — fuck that. How the fuck are you doing, nigga? How are you doing? You might want to focus on that a little bit motherfucking more in 2008, especially if you a real motherfucker ‘cause these motherfuckers hate real motherfuckers. If you are a real motherfucker understand they hate every goddamn thing about you.

These motherfuckers hate real motherfuckers. I’m gonna give you a prime fucking example. They supposed to be putting medicine in America to help motherfuckers feel better and help you live better, but these motherfuckers don’t give a fuck about the medicine. They out making they motherfucking money. They give you one medication supposed to fix some shit, and the side effect fuck up your leg and shit. Then they give you another one to fix that, and it fuck up your arm, and now you on two medications, looking like flamingo in front of your motherfucking children and shit. These motherfuckers don’t give a fuck.

Just one month, they say, “This is the best medicine ever. It’ll cure everything.” And then three months later, you hear this quiet-ass commercial “Have you or one of your loved ones been killed from using our medicine? Dial 1–800-our-bad.”

These motherfucker don’t give a fuck. Weed is still illegal, and all of they shit is still fucked up. They medication either don’t work or it work too fuckin’ good. And I wasn’t familiar with working too good, and I had to find out the hard way.

I got a son that’s 7, his name’s Malik. This nigga run every goddamn day. That’s what the fuck he do. You ain’t got to chase him. You ain’t got to train him. You ain’t got to put shorts on him. This nigga is ready every morning. Soon as his foot touch the goddamn ground out the bed zoom, that nigga’s gone for the rest of the goddamn day.

[runs across stage]

Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! You either see him like this or like that. That’s your only two options.

[swiping hand back and forth]

Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! And he be happy as shit. Now, the nurse at the school say….she say it’s not healthy I said:

“You don’t understand. The nigga’s happy.” She said, “Uh, no. No. You don’t understand whether he’s happy or not, it’s not healthy.” I said, “Now, I don’t know what the fuck you want me to do. I can’t put the nigga in trouble for being happy. That’s kind of…”

“Nigga, stop being happy and get in here and be miserable!”

I can’t fucking do it, so I said, “What do you recommend?” So, she recommended Ritalin. Now, she told me the shit was gonna even him out. Now, either I don’t know what the fuck “even” means. Or Ritalin got crack cocaine in it. One of the two is a goddamn fact ‘cause this shit is no bullshit. I wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready. This shit caught both of us off guard. I gave the nigga the shit in the kitchen. He was on the way to his room. That nigga never even made it out the hallway. That shit caught that nigga mid-stride.

[runs across stage]

He was just…

[jumps and hits the ground]

Now, for the first two hours, I was happy as shit. I’m getting shit done. I’m like, “This is wonderful.” But after three hours…after three hours, you got to come check on the nigga now, after three hours. Nigga, what you doing? My kid’s a smart-ass:

“I’m being good like you wanted, daddy.”

“Okay, touche, my nigga, touche. Touche.”

This what fucked me up, I was like:

“You been sittin’ there for three hours. what are you thinking about?” That nigga said:

“Running.”

[laughter]

“Well, go on and run then, live nigga, go on and run.”

‘Cause you just gonna have to let real shit be real shit ‘cause these motherfuckers are attacking real shit at every motherfucking angle. They had a story on CNN three weeks ago that said the USDA has approved the sale of cloned meat to the American public.

What? See, I was high when I originally saw the story, so I waited all the way til I came down to re-look at the story, and it still fucking said the USDA has approved the sale of cloned meat to the American public. Ain’t that about a God — you raggedy motherfuckers would feed —you gonna feed — we saw the movie Multiplicity. We know what the fuck cloned mean, motherfucker. It means retarded. You gonna feed us the retarded-ass cloned cow meat now? and I thought niggas was gonna tear up the streets and riot and shit, and nothing fucking happened.

You dazed motherfuckers. You gonna feed America the cloned — ain’t there motherfuckers starving in other countries that we could’ve gave the goddamn retarded cloned meat to first to see if that was gonna work out?They ain’t got shit to eat they don’t give a fuck. You can’t feed it to us first. You motherfuckers, there’s some of you same niggas gonna be eating the shit out that goddamn cloned meat and talking shit about, “Nigga, fuck that nigga, the cloned meat is delicious, nigga. They put the garlic in the cow as a baby. Nigga, you ain’t even got to season it. Just already grow up garlicky and delicious. Nigga, it’s…”

They don’t give a fuck about us, and you know the cloned meat gonna be cheap as shit.

“Nigga, fuck that. I went to Mcdonald’s and got the Mcclone combo for 19 cents nigga. Had 11 big-ass big macs in it. It was wonderful”

That’ all right. That’s all right. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Feed your baby the retarded-ass cloned cow meat and see what the fuck happen. You gonna be wondering why your daughter’s 4 years old, weighs 611 pounds, got a little horn coming out of her motherfucking braids, and the bitch can’t do her alphabet correctly. Just, “A…b…c..d…moo!?

‘Cause you fed that bitch the retarded-ass cow meat.

These motherfuckers don’t give a fuck. That’s why you gonna have to be in tune with your star fucking player. These motherfuckers put so much bullshit on the news. If you watch the news, you would think steroids is the drug problem in America. I’ve been all across this great country, buying drugs and shit I have never. I have never ran into a steroid salesman. Have one of you niggas ever ran into one, just:

“You know, I got to find them roids, nigga. I got to find them roids.”

Nigga, if you got hemorrhoids, you shouldn’t be selling weed right now, should you? How the fuck they fuck up steroids? Steroids? Steroids is supposed to be the perfect goddamn drug, now they got Roger Clemens all on TV, talking about how he ain’t on steroids. He can say he ain’t on steroids, but what he can’t do is not look big as fuck on TV while he’s saying it. That motherfucker’s huge.

[pointing at the audience]

“Senator, I was never on steroids. Senator, I was never on steroids. I just got bigger and stronger the older I got.”

That’s what you get for talkin’ so goddamn much. That’s why Barry Bonds is still a goddamn “G” cause Barry ain’t say shit. They couldn’t stand that motherfucker. Every time they asked him another question, he just hit another home run. They was mad as shit.

“Barry are you on steroids?”

[runs around as if running the bases]

“No comment.”

They was mad as shit at that motherfucker. I don’t know how they fucked up steroids. Steroids is supposed to be the perfect goddamn drug. Do you know how excited a nigga my size was to hear about human growth hormone? Nigga, I thought Jesus had answered this prayer individually. I was glued to the tv .

“Thank you, Jesus, for finally coming through. I appreciate that. I knew you weren’t gonna let me look like a seventh grader for the rest of my life.”

I really did know. Fuck what y’all talking about. I was gonna be the first nigga on steroids. I’m gonna have to be the biggest nigga in comedy one way or the goddamn other.

“At 5’5”, 1,246 pounds of comedy…”

And I’m coming out in a fur coat and biker shorts, so you niggas can’t act like I ain’t big as shit.

[stomps across stage]

I was all motherfucking excited about steroids. I was like:

“Well, what’s the side effect?”

They was like:

“Uh, it make your dick little.”

[laughter]

“Make your dick little?”

Ain’t no motherfucking side effect. That’s from Satan. What the fuck are you talking about a “side effect?” It make you big and make your dick little? Ain’t that — I was trying to get the muscles to get more pussy. I wasn’t trying to trick a bitch. That’s just wrong.

“Come on in here, bitch. I’m huge. You see I’m huge come on in.”

Bing.

[ aggressive motions of sex]

“Nothing, I apologize. I apologize. Well, fuck me anyway, but feel my arms. You feel how big my arms are don’t you? Do you feel that?”

Motherfuckers fucked up everything. That’s why I’m saying if you’re a real motherfucker, you just gonna have to hold on to the fact you’re a real motherfucker because it’s getting ready to change. It ain’t just about color. They hate all real motherfuckers. I’m gonna give you a prime example.

There’s a white boy that ran track for a motherfuckin’ living. He
ran track for a motherfuckin’ living, and he lost both of his motherfucking
legs. Now I hate losers and quitters, but I feel like if you run for a
motherfucking living, and you lose both of your motherfucking legs, you should be allowed to sit this motherfucker out. You have done everything there was for you to do. And this motherfucker, on some gangster shit, decide not only is he gonna walk again, he decide he gonna fucking race again. Now, you got to be in tune with you fucking star player to pull this shit off ‘cause they made him some aluminum racing legs and shit, looked like bent-back paper clips and shit, yes.

[laughter]

Don’t try to act like something wrong with me. Some of you motherfuckers saw the story. You know what the fuck I’m talking about. It looked like bent-back paper clips, like two baby boomerangs and shit. That’s what he had to run on.

That motherfucker had to be in tune with his star fucking player ‘cause sometimes, motherfuckers ain’t gonna have your back like you think they should. And this motherfucker now got to come in on his aluminum
racing legs and race again, and he got to try and come in and be all calm and
smooth and not draw too much attention to himself.

[prancing around stage]

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.Tink.

[bobbing up and down]

[jumping jacks]

Motherfuckers fucking with him and shit.

“Yeah, you got to go over there and sign up first before you race.”

“Oh, okay, motherfucker.”

[jogging across the stage]

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.

“Yeah, they said I got to sign up first? Yeah, so no sign up at all?”

[jogs back across stage]

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.Tink.

And he all at the starting line. You know motherfuckers fucking with him, doing all sorts of unnecessary exercises with they legs and shit, just, “On your mark.”

[mimics the athletes motions]

Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.Tink.

And the craziest fucking thing happened. This motherfucker not only started running. This motherfucker started winning. And you know a hater can’t stand a goddamn winner, and the last place you want to be in is a motherfucking footrace behind the motherfucker with no goddamn
feet. That’s the last — I bet that motherfuckers was mad as shit.

[jogging in place]

“My legs tired ain’t your legs tired? His legs ain’t tired.”

[sprinting in place]

He’s just Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink.Tink.Tink. Just paper clips and sparks everywhere. Just Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. Tink. But you gonna have to be in tune with your star fucking player ‘cause these haters do not play fair. These hating-ass motherfuckers at the Olympic committee let this motherfucker race and then waited til he won and then disqualified him and said, and I quote:

“He had an unfair advantage.”

[raises hand]

“Are you talking about the motherfucker running with no goddamn legs? Is that who the fuck you talking about?”

Poor little Tink Tink. Think about that when you think you having a bad goddamn day. Poor little Tink Tink.

Ain’t that a bitch? That’s why you gonna have to be in tune with your star fucking player. These motherfuckers want you to be miserable. They want you to be sad. They want you to feel like they feel. You can’t feel like the fuck they feel ‘cause you ain’t like them.

You gonna have to get every fucking laugh you can possibly get. Fuck what they talking about they want you to be sad ‘cause they sad. Fuck that. You got to be happy. If a motherfucker fall in front of you in 20-goddamn-08, and you are not a doctor on duty across the street from the hospital, it is your obligation to get seven laughs off that motherfucker ‘fore he get off the ground.

[laughs hysterically]

Call another nigga so he can get four or five in. You gonna too ‘cause they want you to be miserable. I laugh at shit I’m not even supposed to laugh at. I laugh first and apologize after, like when they was talking about the polygamy ranch, and they had them all on TV.

Before they showed them and shit, when they was just showing the ranch, and they had told us all the kind of fucked-up shit that was going on in there, I was watching the TV like, “Just show us what these motherfucking monsters look like. Just show us what these hateful motherfucking creatures look like.” And then they open the doors and these motherfuckers came out like “little house on the goddamn prairie” and shit.

[music] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,dun.

And bitch came out with a dress made out of construction paper and leaves and shit. I laughed the whole goddamn time. They had them poor women in there, they don’t know nothing about nothing. They ain’t never seen Sex and the City, the Sopranos, nothing. They don’t even know what to say in the interview, just, “We want our kids.”

Oh, I laughed from a good healthy place. To see white people back in colonial days again on TV ‘cause you know if that would’ve been niggas, it would’ve been some different. If they’d have found 400 nigga kids in the camp, they’d have burned that bitch down and came in with 800 swat teams. But because they was white, they came and got them in tour buses and shit and took them on. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

I laugh all the goddamn time. I don’t give a fuck if it’s right or not. I laugh
first like when them motherfuckers got attacked by that goddamn tiger in the goddamn zoo in San Francisco and shit and they had it all on CNN like it was a national tragedy and shit, just:

“Oh, it’s so sad.”

Well, I didn’t see nothing sad at all. I laughed the whole goddamn coverage. These wasn’t kids. These was grown motherfuckers. I feel like if you’re a grown motherfucker, and you get killed, and you get killed by a tiger, and you get killed by a tiger in a zoo, and you get killed by a tiger in a zoo in San Francisco, I think God’s will has been done for your life. I think that’s exactly what was supposed to happen, and I think he wanted me to laugh about it a whole lot.

That’s what I think. Fuck that. I’m a parent. I got kids. I feel like if you raise a child at any age that’s dumb enough to climb into a tiger’s cage, you should tell them the rest of the goddamn story.

“Then the tiger eats your asshole out, baby. That’s the end.”

That’s what the fuck’s supposed to happen. And these motherfucking
zookeepers got on TV and started talking shit about the tigers, start snitching on the tigers. Like they was disappointed in the tigers and shit, like:

“We can’t believe they would even do something like that. They’ve never done anything like that before. And if they’re a danger to the community, then we’ll have to get rid of them.”

You gonna get rid of the tiger. You gonna get rid of the only real motherfucker in the whole goddamn equation. You gonna get rid of the tiger? First of all, white people understand this. If you cannot understand what it’s like to be in a zoo, I don’t know how you ever gonna understand what it’s like to be a nigga in America, if you can’t understand what it’s like to be a tiger in a zoo.

Look at white people.

“What? Niggas are tigers now? They’re great!”

Follow along, white people. All I’m saying is you got to look at this shit from the tiger’s motherfucking viewpoint. First of all, this ain’t no “fake-ass, got it in the mall” tiger. This is a real goddamn tiger. Like the kind that be on National Geographic every time you turn it on, on the back of a wildebeest’s ass and shit just…[hops on stool]

[laughter]

The wildebeest don’t even be dead.

“I’m not even dead yet!”

“I don’t give a fuck, bitch. I’m hungry now!”

A real fucking tiger. And everyday, they got this real fucking tiger in a fake-ass habitat. Real-ass tiger, fake-ass habitat. And the tiger not supposed to know as a real tiger, that this is a speaker system.

[laughter]

[lays down and leans on speaker]

And every fucking day, the tiger be fucked up ‘cause he be conflicted. Everything in the tiger spirit is telling him:

“Nigga, you a motherfucking monster, nigga. You a beast. You run the jungle, nigga. You supposed to roar, and shit’s supposed to happen.”

And every fucking day, the tiger come out and try it, and the shit don’t work. And some of us know how the fuck that feel to be trying shit and trying shit and shit. And shit don’t work. Trying shit and trying shit. Won’t work. Trying shit, try switch it up. Trying shit, trying shit. Won’t work. That’s how the fuck the tiger feel every goddamn day he come out with the roar and shit. Just:

“Wish me luck. Wish me luck.”

[imitates tiger’s roar]

“You see that bitch take a camera phone picture of me right in the middle of my goddamn roar?”

You see how they disrespect the tiger? These poor tigers don’t know what the fuck to do. It be four or five real tigers in a fake ass habitat. What the fuck you think them tigers talk about every goddamn day? Nothing but what the fuck they would do if a mother fucker was to ever, ever, ever, climb they goddamn foot over the goddamn gate. That’s all the fuck they talk about, just:

“I wish a motherfucker would climb in this goddamn cage.”

[crawling like a tiger]

“This cage right here, nigga. This cage right here, nigga? Wish they motherfucking would.”

And the tiger be fucked up because the tiger feel like he’s supposed to be eating elephant and giraffes and shit, and everyday they come and feed him meat out of a bucket and shit, just — and all the while he eating that bullshit, what he looking at? Your good fresh-meat ass walking around the zoo with a video camera and shit, just —

“Look at that delicious-ass fat bitch right there. I’d eat the shit out that delicious-ass fat bitch right there.”

“Fuck that, it say Baby Phat right on her motherfucking ass. You know that’s my favorite part. I love Baby Phat.”

And the tiger be fucked up ‘cause he don’t know what to feel, and after a while, he get depressed and down and start acting like us. You know how we get depressed and start doubting shit that we shouldn’t even doubt. I bet tigers had gotten as low as they can get and just:

“Are you sure I’m a tiger? I don’t feel like a tiger. Maybe I’m just a vicious-ass koala bear. Did you ever investigate that?”

But as a real motherfucker, you can’t never afford to give up ‘cause all real motherfuckers is only waiting on the opportunity to show a motherfucker they ain’t bullshitting them, and I bet them tigers had got as low as they could possibly get, and then something wonderful happened in tiger world. They’re just —

“Nigga, this is not a drill. Get ready nigga, they think we bullshitting, get —”

[crawls and hides behind stool]

“Wait for it. Wait for it. Maul him!”

[attacks stool]

And that’s what the fuck’s supposed to happen. That’s what the fuck’s supposed to happen. Goddamn, that tiger — that strong-ass wildebeest. I almost broke both of my arms. That would’ve fucked up all the rest of the show if I had to do it like this.

[pretends to only have one arm]

Poor little Tink Tink.

[laughter]

My motherfucking point is we going through some new motherfucking shit in the world. We going through some new fucking shit, and it’s gonna be important that you have your star player in line. Then you gonna have to make sure you got your team set up, your motherfucking team. You’re not gonna be able to go past 2008 without your motherfucking team. You
gonna need three or four motherfuckers that you know for a fact will jump in and block bullshit off of your motherfucking ass in a time of crisis. You gonna need that shit. You gonna need four or five motherfuckers.

[doing a strange dance routine]

Who will just jump in and block bullshit off of your motherfucking ass in a time of crisis. You gonna need that. The team is gonna be very, very, important in this next motherfucking era we fittin’ to go into. You gonna need a team. If you don’t believe me as Michael Vick’s motherfucking ass how much you need a team. That nigga is alone, alone, alone. Everybody told on that nigga- everybody — family, friends, co-workers, strangers. There’s motherfuckers in line, excited to tell on this nigga, just…

[mocks people in line]

“Uh, yes, I saw him when he was four years old, and he had puppies with him. I just wanted to say that in case that was important.”

These motherfuckers don’t give a fuck. That’s why you got to make sure your team is together, ‘cause these motherfuckers will snap on you. They’ll switch on you like — I can’t even fucking do it quick enough. They’ll snitch. These motherfuckers will switch it up on you just like fucking that.

[motions of switching] Right there — that was the one. If I hadn’t broke my arm earlier, I could have done it correctly, but just like that. That’s how fucking quick the motherfuckers will turn on you.

You don’t believe me, ask Britney motherfucking Spears how quickly them motherfuckers will turn on you. Poor Britney. Poor Britney. How sad. How hilariously sad — what will happen if you ain’t got your motherfucking team right. They switched on her so motherfucking quick. They was just taking sweet pictures of Britney, just — CHH! [motions as if taking a picture with a camera]

“How you doing, Britney?”

CHH!

“Looking good, Britney.”

CHH!

“You going shopping, Britney?”

Now they taking gangster pictures, just, “Get in the car, bitch!”

CHH!

“Show us your pussy, bitch!”

CHH!

“Throw your wig in the air!”

CHH!

“Wave it like you just don’t care!”

CHH!

They don’t give a fuck, but you got to watch the goddamn story. Kevin Federline is the motherfucking American dream. I hope you was watching the goddamn story. You can hate the player, but you can’t hate the goddamn game, and that goddamn Kevin Federline followed the pimp manual step by goddamn step, line by motherfucking line. That motherfucker was a joy to watch. It was like he was on SportsCenter, just — DA-NA-NA, DA-NA-NA fucking Federline. This motherfucker is not bullshitting. His name gonna be an adjective in 2009, a way of warning women.

“Miss, don’t fuck around and get Federlined, fucking with me. I’ll tell you, I am not one to play with.”

That motherfucker Kevin Federline is the American goddamn dream. He is proof that you can take nothing and turn it into something. If you don’t believe me, on the count of three, name your favorite Kevin Federline moment.

1,2,3… Nothing. Turned it into something. And Britney was the shit. She wasn’t no regular goddamn singer. She was performing in front of arenas and shit. I got nigga kids. My kids was listening to her shit in the kitchen, trying to make it cool and shit, just —

[imitating Britney singing]

“Oops, I did it again.”

“Okay, nigga, just say you’re sorry and go to your room. I don’t need you to perform and shit.”

And all the fucking time, while Britney was out there performing, Kevin Federline’s position was way back here behind the goddamn DJ and shit.

[runs behind curtain and starts dancing]

He use to have to dance from back here, just —[dances sporadically]

[laughter]

That motherfucker got in and handled his goddamn business and I was trying to tell all the women on my staff, “You better fucking watch this shit so you can see what the fuck will happen.”

And they didn’t want to fucking believe me, just —

“What — What he gonna do? He gonna get with her and take her money?”

Uh, no, bitch. It look like he gonna make his own motherfucking money. There go the babies — check and checkmate — right on schedule this motherfucker is not missing a beat.

“Well, well, what he gonna do? He gonna break up with her so he can get the money?”

Uh, no. It look like he gonna make her break up with her motherfucking self. And the next time you saw her, she was in the back of a ambulance, looking happy and mad at the same damn time.

[laughter]

[sits on stool imitating her]

That’s why you got to make sure you got your fucking team together. These motherfuckers ain’t playing fair. You gonna need your team together. You don’t believe me ask Eddie Murphy. That motherfucking bitch from the Spice Girls came from London and got that motherfucker in 3.2 minutes or some shit. Soon as she got off the plane, she was on her shit, just…VROOM!

[flies across stage]

“We’re pregnant, Eddie bye-bye.”

VROOM!

[flies back across stage]

That bitch is the shit. You gonna have to make sure your motherfucking team is right, especially us fellas. It start with us. We supposed to be the motherfucking team captains. We supposed to be the coach of our motherfucking team, and some of us have forgotten how important the team gonna be in 2008.

Some of you niggas got a franchise player on your motherfucking team. I’m talking about a thoroughbred woman, one that live and die by the goddamn team. You got the franchise player, and done let her sit on the bench. She done forgotten what team she even on. You got to understand, some of niggas is 3–22 in the relationship right now.

You gonna have to work on it. Work on your franchise player. Some of y’all got a wonderful franchise player, but y’all out at the free agency and who getting traded and who coming up on the draft you done forgot about your franchise player, and you got to fucking try. You ain’t got to spend no money. You ain’t got to wait for a holiday. You got to fucking try. Just wait for the right moment wait for her to be laying across the bed on her stomach. Unsuspecting. That’s a great time for a pep talk, for some enthusiasm and shit, if you can just sneak up on her in the right moment just —

[crouches on all fours “sneaking up” on the tipped over stool…begins to hump it]

“You do remember whose motherfucking team you on, don’t you? Huh? Do you remember whose whose motherfucking team you on? (chanting) 2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?”

Come on, now. Just gonna have to do it fellas. We gonna have to try some of you niggas won’t even try to keep you franchise player motivated. You won’t even fucking try some of you niggas won’t even jack off. You done got so motherfucking grown, you’re too grown to jack off. You don’t even want to practice. You won’t even practice at all. I don’t understand how you gonna keep playing the game, nigga, if you refuse to goddamn practice. You just gonna run in the game cold, nigga? You ain’t gonna warm up or nothing? Come on, tell ‘em. Don’t you have to warm up.

[sits on stool, motions of jacking off] You got to fucking warm up. This is bullshit. Some of you fellas — come on now, goddamn it. We got to try. You want women to do all kind of shit for us. We want her to wear some new lingerie, put on a new outfit, cut her hair different, bring another girl in the relationship.

“I did that for five niggas.”

“That’s what I said.”

That’s the one I had picked. Remember, I picked that one. I’m just saying, we got to do something niggas. We can’t just keep presenting the same dick night after night, just —

[singing] Dun-da-da-da

No.

[singing] Dun-da-da-da

We got to fucking try. Some of you niggas won’t even fucking try. You not gonna jack off, and because you won’t jack off niggas, some of you grown motherfuckers have had that same hand and your same dick your whole motherfucking life, and you don’t know your own motherfucking stroke number [motions of jacking off…again]. You don’t know.

You don’t know your own motherfucking cum number. You don’t know your own fuck number. Fuck a sleep number, nigga. You don’t know your own goddamn fuck number. You don’t know how many times you can do this before something happens. You have no idea. Everytime you fuck her, you playing Russian Roulette. You don’t know. She don’t know. It’s a surprise to both of you.

Just…BANG, BANG!

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t even see that coming. I didn’t even — I would have warned you. It caught me off guard, to be honest with you. I didn’t even…”

You gonna have to find out your own fuck number, nigga. It’ll free you up for the rest of your goddamn relationship if you can just find out what your fuck number is, ‘cause if you find out it’s 174, now you have taken the pressure off of yourself, ‘cause now you ain’t got to try to get to 175. You know that’s unnecessary, ‘cause you can always stop and reset at 175 now. So, now you free. Your just — (thrusts sexually at the stool) 172, 173, 174! Reset. Thank you, thank you.

But you want to know your own fuck number at least, even if your number is small. Even if your number is 12, nigga — even if your number is 12, at least you should know what it is nigga. It ain’t the end of the world ‘cause your number is 12. You can still have fun with 12. You can do slow sex, fast sex. You just:

[slowly humps stool] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…[increasing tempo] 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

Reset. And then just switch it up, just — [singing] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Reset. Got to fucking try. Some of you nigga’s gonna try. Some of you niggas gonna be laying in bed…

[singing] 5. 5 dollar. 5 dollar foot-long.

You got to fucking try is my fucking point. Some of you niggas been fucking since you was 15, and you don’t have your own signature move yet.

[pauses to let that sink in]

You been fucking since you was a teenager, and you ain’t got your own fucking move. You still doing the same original fucking, the same O.G. teenager fucking. you don’t have nothing. You niggas don’t even have a dismount yet, nigga. A dismount. A dismount is easy, nigga. You just —

[humps stool…again]

[hops back]

At least you could get a dismount. Work on your signature move for 2008. Give your woman something special. Everybody wants something special every now and again. You don’t want to go to a basketball game and just see motherfuckers doing lay-ups the whole goddamn time. That’s why the WNBA is struggling like they are. You want to see a nigga do some special shit every once in a while, just —

[twirls around stage]

That’s what she want, too, nigga. Work on your signature move. I got called Monkey Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know if it work, but I do know, if I give it to you, I’m giving her all she’s got captain, ‘cause once I’m in Monkey Fuck, everything is moving nigga. I’m everywhere, trying everything, just —

[moves in a “monkey fuck” motion]

You got to try is my fucking point. There’s too much motherfucking shit going on in the motherfucking world. We got big-time fucking issuses happening in the goddamn world right the fuck now. We still got racism in America right the fuck now. Forty years after Martin Luther King’s assassination, we still got still got racism right the fuck now. We gonna have to fucking deal with it.

White people, first of all understand this. If you don’t take nothing else from the nigga meeting, just understand this, white people — y’all brought us over here, and y’all ain’t got no motherfucking receipt, so y’all are not gonna be able to return niggas. You need to understand that from the very beginning. Niggas are here to stay. We got to get over certain shit. I can honestly say I’m a nigga, and I love niggas, but I don’t want to live in a country with just niggas.

[pauses]

Fuck y’all. I don’t. I have too many customer service needs and requirements that I have become accustomed to. Fuck that. Y’all know what the fuck I’m talking about. You done try to return something to a black woman at a store, and she act like she bought you that shit herself personally and shit, just embarrassing you in the store, just, “Well, what the fuck is wrong with it?”

[classic Katt Williams face]

“Never mind, bitch. I don’t know why I got to have two toasters ‘cause you mad and shit.”

This is ridiculous. We all need each other. America is strong because of the motherfuckers that’s in it, and, white people, you do not want to be in this motherfucking country without niggas and Hispanics. You do not want to be in this country by you goddamn self. Especially if the terrorists come. Y’all gonna be trying to break in the hood if the goddamn terrorists come.

“Let us in! You guys have all the illegal weapons in there. Let us in! Fine we’ll clean up everyone’s credit. [singing] freecreditreport.com.”

[laughter and applause]

We got to get over certain shit. If you find a white person that don’t like a nigga, it catch you off guard, like, “You don’t like niggas?”

“What?! Niggas is the shit. You didn’t know niggas was the shit? Niggas is the shit!”

Why y’all came and got us in the first fucking place? Y’all had that big-ass boat. Y’all could have got any-goddamn-body. I bet y’all was excited as shit the first time y’all saw niggas, just —

[sits on stool with a jaw dropping expression]

“What are those? Those are cool as shit. Is that their women? What’s that they’re carrying on their backs? That’s their ass?! Let’s go! Let’s go!”

The fuck you don’t like niggas. Niggas is an American success story. You ain’t gonna talk me out of my love for niggas. Niggas is the shit. Niggas went from being like dogs ‘til now. That’s why I keep saying the word “nigga,” ‘cause I want them to remember what the fuck it came from. I don’t give a fuck. I’m a nigga. I trace my roots. They end up in Alabama some goddamn where. I’m proud of niggas. Niggas never quit. Niggas come through the motherfucking trouble and looking better at the same time. They can’t make me feel bad about niggas. I remember, it just looked like niggas was in the cotton field, picking cotton. Them niggas wasn’t just picking cotton. Them niggas working on skills and shit that was gonna show up generation after generation later. It just look like they was picking cotton. They was working on shit, just:

[motions of picking cotton, transitions into basketball moves]

Them cotton-pickin’ niggas. Them cotton-pickin’ niggas. We got to get over certain shit, like when racists were putting them nooses on black university professors’ doors and shit and hanging the nooses off of trees and shit. I got fucking mad and put a noose on my neck and walked down the red carpet of the Hip-Hop Awards. And then them motherfuckers had me on CNN the next week like I was the racial problem in America, and they was so glad to catch me, like:

“What the fuck do you, why the fuck do you think racism is so funny, Katt Williams?”

That’s not the fuck I was trying to say.

[laughter]

I was trying to say niggas ain’t scared of rope.

[laughter]

That wasn’t the fucking point. Niggas ain’t scared of rope and knots and shit. It wasn’t that. It’s the fucking hanging we had the problem, so if you not gonna hang a motherfucker, then what the fuck is you putting nooses around trying to scare some goddamn body for? I keep saying, you don’t see gangbangers putting bullets on the curb to scare a motherfucker, just —

[runs across stage]

“Wait til these niggas see this shit. They’re gonna be scared. I put two hollow-points down there. Them motherfuckers are gonna be scared as shit.”

Just saying, we got to get over certain shit. That racism is still fucking out there, and we gonna have to deal with it as a motherfucking country. I didn’t know it was even out there like that. I had to fuck around and get my motherfucking feelings hurt. I did the Flavor Flav Comedy Roast and shit, and was so excited — that you sir — I was excited ‘cause it was gonna be me and Flav and Sommore, and Ice-T and Snoop, and I’m like:

“Okay, this is a wonderful thing for niggas.”

And sometimes, shit just catch you off guard. I showed up four days early like:

“I just want to get the script so I can get my part together so I can do my job.” And they was like:

“Uhh, there’s no script. You gonna write yours, and then we got writers that’s gonna write for everybody else.”

[pause]

Now, at this point, my nigga spider sense begins to tingle softly, like:

“Nigga, you been in a set-up before, and it feels just like this, coincidentally.”

So I’m worried. I just keep asking about the script, they keep telling me it’s no script. They tell me:

“Wait for the day before the show til the dress rehearsal.”

So we get to the dress rehearsal and it’s just us niggas none of the white comics there. I’m like:

“Well, what about them. Don’t they, uh, have to be here for the dress rehearsal so they can dress and rehearsal?”

They was like:

“No, they’re professionals. They do this all the time.”

“Uh-huh. All right.”

Well, at this point, it’s no longer tingling. Now it’s a full- alarm blaze right now. Some shit is really going on. So, I send D’Militant in there to find me a goddamn script, and sure enough, he come back with the script, and it’s racist like a 1946 newspaper. I saw the William Shatner Roast and it wasn’t all about them being white, but on Flavor Flav’s shit, every other word was:

“Flav is a crispety, crackly, crunchety coon. He’s black, sizzly, crunchety, crackly coon. Flav is a big, black, crisy, crackly, crunchety coon.”

All through the fucking script. The first line say Flavor Flav in a purple suit and a paper hat is supposed to come out the sky on a wire with his legs cocked up like this:

[places belly on stool and lifts his legs behind him]

And as he come out the sky, the first words I’m supposed to say is, “Look, it’s a flying monkey.” That’s what it say right on the first goddamn line. So, I’m backstage, going the fuck off, like:

“It’s gonna be the crispety, crackly, crunchety, coon hour on my motherfucking watch?”

I’m tearing up all the shit in the backstage I can afford to tear up. I done left the plasmas and the stereo and shit, but I’m fucking up the plastic cups and paper plates and shit.

“Give me these napkins, nigga! I don’t give a fuck!”

I done done 11$ worth of goddamn damage back there, and by the time I get out, Flav is already in the contraption, and they just let him go. And all I can say is, “Look, it’s a flying monkey!”

That’s all I can say, and the whole goddamn show, I was mad, but I was mad at me that I was still fucking doing it the way I felt. But they had already told me how much they was gonna pay me, and I had already spent it in my head, so I was in a fucked-up position. I was mad the whole goddamn show.

And Flavor’s kids was in the audience. They left halfway through the show, crying and shit, ‘cause their daddy had been called all types of crispety, crackety, crunchety coons. And after the show, I’m mad, my staff mad, everybody backstage like:

“It’s still racism in this motherfucking age?”

And we feeling fucked up, and right at that moment, Flav bust in the trailer, smiling and congratulating everybody on a good show and high-fiving niggas, and I was like, “What the fuck is wrong with you nigga? You — you don’t give a fuck what these motherfuckers think about you?”And certain niggas you don’t expect to learn nothing from like..like you know what the fuck I’m saying. I’m saying, if a nigga’s standing in front of you in a viking helmet and gold teeth and a purple suit and a big-ass clock with the wrong goddamn time on it, you’ll be like:

“I can’t learn nothing from this nigga right here. I can’t learn nothing from the nigga.”

And I’ll never forget — that nigga looked at me and he was like, “I don’t give a fuck what they think. They got to pay me, boy!” And ran out the goddamn trailer.

[laughter and applause]

I got to thinking about it. You know what? That nigga is absolutely goddamn right. That’s what the fuck it mean to be in tune with your star player. If they was gonna call you a crispety, crackly, crunchety, coon anyway, you might as well get them motherfuckers for EV-ER-Y-THING. EV-ER-Y-THING? EV-ER-Y-THING.

You got to be in tune with you star goddamn player. You ain’t never gonna be able to please every-goddamn-body, and you might as well stop fucking trying. Oprah Winfrey done made nine billion dollars, and motherfuckers till be talking shit about Oprah with nine bill — you should be able to kill a motherfucker just by saying nine billion dollars in their direction, just —

“Nine billion dollars, nigga, nine billion dollars. You better duck, nigga, nine billion dollars. Did you hear it?”

Oprah done done every-fucking-thing good you can possibly do, and motherfuckers still talk.

“Nigga, fuck her, nigga. She don’t like hip-hop.”

Nigga, fuck hip-hop. I don’t like flute music. It didn’t make me nine billion goddamn dollars.

Oprah done done every fucking nice thing there was to do. Fuck me. At the end of my show, I say, “Thank you and goodnight.” At the end of Oprah’s show, you stand-up, she done put a muffin basket under your seat, two best-selling novels, put three of your kids through college without your permission and shit.

Well, Oprah’s in tune with her star fucking player. She know you think her name ugly. That’s why she named everything Oprah — the magazine name Oprah, the show name Oprah, new network named Oprah, Gayle’s name, Oprah, Stedman’s name’s Oprah. She don’t give a fuck.

And that’s how you gonna have to be. And we fittin’ to go through some major motherfucking changes in this fucking country, and, white people, please do not take it the wrong way. We do not hate y’all no fucking more. It is not your fault that y’all look the way the people looked who did the fucked-up shit to us and we understand the difference. But we gonna have to get better as a country.

White people, stop asking your black friends about O.J. We don’t know nothing more about O.J. than y;all goddamn do. It’s 50% on either side. O.J. ain’t come to a nigga meeting in many a moon. We don’t even send him invitations anymore. Everything is not the same white people — “What about O.J.?” We don’t know about O.J. Most of us got niggas who really are in court and really need some leniency from a judge and shit. For a motherfucker to be getting off on murder and then going to jail for anything — you’re not supposed to go to jail for nothing after murder, nigga. You’re not even supposed to jaywalk. You’re supposed to be the last nigga to cross the street, just…[stands on one foot, pretending to let pedestrians cross the street.]

Most of us were done with this nigga when he wrote a book where he hypothetically snitches on his goddamn self. That nigga was very “un-nigga-ly.” Nigga, what? This nigga wrote a book called, What If I Would’ve Done It? Nigga, what if you just shut the fuck up. What is you trying…

[laughter]

Then this nigga went to jail for what some niggas didn’t even know was a crime. This nigga went to jail for stealing his own shit. Nigga, did you go to jail for stealing a picture of you, nigga? You couldn’t have got a copy at Kinko’s or nothing? O.J. won’t even go to jail like a nigga. Every time you see O.J. going to jail, he moving way too fucking quick to be going to jail, like him and the officers is late for a meeting or something, with his big-ass head boppin’ up and down and shit, just —

[runs across stage bobbing head up and down]

All niggas know it’s only one acceptable walk to jail, nigga and it’s slow and deliberate, nigga, just —

[walks across stage slowly and with hands behind his back]

And all the while you have your head up, you be thinking, “I can’t remember nobody’s goddamn number by heart, nigga this is bullshit. I ain’t never gonna get out of jail, nigga. I can’t remember nobody’s goddamn number.”

But we just gonna have to deal with the shit we got to deal with.

Make sure you have as much fucking fun as you can. I get in trouble ‘cause I be trying to have too much fun, and I be telling black people, you need to get some white friends, but you have to be careful with your white friends. Your white friends will get you fucked up accidentally sometimes. Like, everybody know I like weed. Everybody know I think it’s fantastic. Well, my…[cheers and applause] my white friends fucked me up on this shit, ‘cause they was like:

“We got something that’s really fantastic.”

And I was like, “Well, weed is already really fantastic. I don’t know how you gonna out-fantastic fantastic.

And sometimes, niggas, you should know when to shut the fuck up, because I be saying shit like:

“I wonder how high I could actually get.”

And if you say that around some niggas, we all just laugh and move on, just —

“Ha, nigga, you crazy.” But your white friends take that shit seriously, and they got answers for your questions and shit, and you might want to be careful and shit, ‘cause my white friends introduced me to something called the vaporizer and, um, as a public service announcement, niggas, this is the real deal right here.

This is — a lot of shit is bullshit. This is not one of them, nigga this is Star Trek: The Next Generation right here. This is a new frontier. I was not fucking ready. It come in a black box and shit, and you put the weed in there, and then they plugged it in the wall. Now…

[laughter]

…soon as I saw them plug it into the wall, I realized I had already crossed my motherfucking boundary. I’m standing there with lighter in my hand, like, [casually places hand in pocket as if it’s a lighter] this motherfucker is no bullshit. It got real knobs on it. You don’t put it on warm. It’s like an oven. You put it on a real temperature 375, like Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix number, and it ain’t got no fire and no smoke, which really fucked with me, because if you smoke weed, the smoke is your way of knowing when not to go too far. You can’t really go too far, because when you’ve achieved maximum highness, your lungs will let you know. That’s when you can’t catch the cough, when you…[coughing]

But this — this don’t have no smoke. It’s just all vapor, and you have to be careful, ‘cause you don’t know how many vapors you can safely take. You just don’t know. I was four or five bags in before I realized, “Nigga, you have made a terrible mistake phew.”

This shit — you might not want to find out how high you can actually get. Just take it from me. You might really embarrass yourself if you ain’t careful. You don’t want to be a grown motherfucking man in your own car in the driveway with a wife-beater on and some joggin’ pants, crying, with a lap full of bills, crying to Lil Wayne songs and shit, ‘cause he sound like he 6 when he rapping. You just in the car, just —

[singing and crying] “If I don’t do nothing, Imma ball. I’m countin’ all day like a clock on the wall. Go and get your money, little dufflebag boy. Look in the mirror. I ain’t never ran from a nigga and I damn sure…”

[resumes talking] Just saying, you might not want to get to that motherfucking extreme. That shit — got so high, it took me all the way low and then took me all the way high and you not supposed to be so high that you go in yout house and start fucking with your kids’ Wii game.

You are not supposed to do it, ‘cause Wii and weed do not go together. They seem like they should go together, but they don’t, ‘cause the Wii wants you to be active and weed wants you to sit you motherfucking ass down, and you should not be fucking with that.

You are not supposed to, as a grown man, get so high that you done went in the house, found your kids’ Wii, playing the tennis game, and done fucked up your whole goddamn house, losing by 1,000 goddamn points, trying to play tennis in your living room and shit, just —

[running around stage imitating an intense tennis match] “Move the couch!”

Kids come back home.

“What happened, daddy? It look like a tornado came through here.”

“Lil Wayne was in here, crying and shit. I don’t know what the fuck happened. I’m sorry.”

You just gonna have to fucking do you fucking best and try as hard as you can, ‘cause sometimes shit just does not work out the way you motherfucking planned. That’s just a part of life. Sometimes shit do not work out the fucking way you planned. I’m gonna give you a prime example. I waited my whole fucking life trying to get a motorcycle. My whole fucking life, all I wanted was a motorcycle, and first, I couldn’t afford the motorcycle. Then, when I could afford the motorcycle, then I had kids, and you can’t just get a motorcycle as your primary means of transportation if you got kids. You don’t know what to tell them in the driveway. You just —

“I ain’t got no room.”

[laughter]

And I was finally able to fucking get the motorcycle. I was happy like a kid at motherfucking Christmas. You don’t understand. I have never been this goddamn happy. I had the motorcycle, and it was small and black and fast, just like me. [tips over stool] And I had got the black Harley-Davidson boots and the leather one-piece that zip up here and got the knee-pads and shit already in it. I looked like a black toddler superhero, like you should call me to solve small crimes and shit.

But I felt good than a motherfucker, ‘cause I’m not that big in regular life, but on a motorcycle, nigga, I’m the perfect size. If you look in the rear-view, you don’t even see me coming, nigga. It just look like a bike is coming by itself, nigga just…[sits on stool like it’s a motorcycle]

I was so motherfucking proud to have that motherfucker, and thought everybody was gonna be excited for me ‘cause I was happy, and everybody talked shit — everybody. Everybody who saw me standing by the goddamn bike talked shit about it:

“Nigga, what the fuck is you doing with a bike, nigga. You gonna kill yourself.”

And then my bodyguard, who ride a Harley every goddamn day — I’m thinking this nigga gonna have my back. This the first nigga talking shit, about it:

“Nigga, if you ride, nigga, you gonna fall.”

“Nigga, what?”

“Nigga, if you ride, nigga, you gonna fall.”

“Nigga, why are you saying that like that’s in the Bible or something? That’s not a scripture, nigga. You can’t just be quoting that to people.”

“Nigga, if you ride, nigga, you gonna fall.”

So, he done said this shit so much, it done spooked me, so I had to take off from the bike for a couple days and try to practice and shit, ‘cause I’m not built like regular motherfuckers. [sits on stool] Like, most motorcycle niggas, if you see them at the light, they holding their whole bike up just on their tippy-toes and shit. I’m not built like that. I got to ease my way up on the handlebars, put my legs out firmly and shit, or else I been done lost control of the bike and rolled into the intersection or some shit, just [rides the stool like a motorcycle].

[laughter]

So, I had to go off to my motherfucking self and try to get my shit in fucking order, so I done worked on it for like three or four days, and finally, I feel comfortable enough to debut and showcase me and my motherfucking fast-ass black motherfucking bike. So, we are in Tampa, and it’s the perfect situation. It’s a curvy road that go like this[moves arm in curvaceous motion]

. And then it break into a straight shot for a mile. Now, I’m no gonna fuck with the curvy part, but I am in the cusp of the curve and the straightaway, and all I’m waiting for is the bus to come ‘cause it’s got glass windows, and I want them to come around and then catch me in all my glory — ZZZOOM! — down the goddamn street.

And I’m not telling my bodyguard ‘cause I want him to be the first motherfucker with the dusty mouth for talking shit about me in the first goddamn place. So, this is how it was in my head. Now, you know what I was thinking in my head. Now, it had been raining for a couple days before this day. Don’t worry, that don’t have nothing to do with the story. I’m just trying to make sure you know there details.

But since it had been raining, I decide I’m gonna be extra careful. So, I move my bike to the middle of the street, right on the yellow line. And the reason I’m doing that is ‘cause it’s a straight shot, and I want to make sure, if somebody some from this way or that way I can fucking maneuver.

Now, you can probably hear some niggas grumbling and laughing in the back. Them is the real motorcycle riders who is telling their friends, “ You should never, ever be on the yellow line, because that’s the slipperiest place on the goddamn street.” But none of them smart-ass niggas was there at the goddamn time, so I’m just gonna tell the story like it fucking happened.

So, here I am on the yellow line. The bus is coming through the curves. Now, you know, when you get excited, how everything slow down and go into slow motion and shit. That’s where the fuck I was. I saw the bus. I went into slow motion. Chh, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Then I hit that motherfucker one time.

[imitates engine revving] Now, let me pause the story right here just to say sometimes shit does not work out the way you goddamn planned it. One second, I’m waiting on my moment of glory. Shoo! I hit it one time. [imitates revving]. I don’t know what happened the next second, but the second after that, I am in the middle of the goddamn street…

[places stool on top of him while he’s laying down] with the bike on top of me. Now, not only am I in the middle of the goddamn street, trapped under my own goddamn bike, the bus has now pulled up right the fuck here, so now everybody in my staff is looking at me trapped under my own goddamn bike.

And my bodyguard, who could’ve easily picked this motherfucker up off me is too busy getting his seven goddamn chuckles under his goddamn helmet and shit. And not only am I caught under my own fucking bike, my left hand is caught under the handlebars. So, not only am I trapped under my own bike in the middle of the street, I am slowly spinning for no goddamn reason at all, just [spins on the ground] EEEEEE-EEEEE! EEEE-EEEE! EEEE-EEE!

[laughter]

[stands up as if in pain] I get up. All this side is all crispety, crackly, crunchety coon. I can’t even get no motherfucking sympathy from no-goddamn-body, ‘cause it ain’t like I got in a motorcycle accident. All the fuck that happened is my bike drug me five feet up the goddamn highway and then slowly spun me, rotisserie-style, in front of my goddamn friends. I had to do what any real motherfucker would do in that situation, just —

[gets back on stool]I got back on that motherfucker and made them follow me for 500 miles while I did 2 1/2 miles an hour, crying, nigga, just — EEEEE-EEEE!

Y’all been all that, I been Katt Williams. Thank you so much, D.C. I appreciate it!

Fin

Williams takes a moment to gather himself after reliving his motorcycle “accident” for his alcoholic audience and roars his final words. He thanks his lovely and newly educated crowd and exits offstage into his air conditioned burrow. The crowd’s thunder of claps bolster on long after his departure and so do the thoughts that Williams so cleverly planted into their boozy brains. After the audience flows out of their seats and coast to the doors of the Constitutional Hall what will be the first thing that crosses their no longer malnourished mind when the recall their experience with Katt Williams? Will it be the way he acted out each word like a pantomime on the streets of Paris? Or how he alternated from serious to comical like a menstruating model on the day of a fashion show?

His routine may seem all over the place just like he is, but no matter where he takes it, it’s always roped back in with the notion that you are the “star player” of your team and it is imperative that when you look in the mirror you love the person you’re looking at. As he says, there’s a lot of hate going on in the world today and that there are always going to be people around to shut you down. He’s the comedic counterpart of today’s president, Barack Obama, preaching for change in an American society that’s still stuck in the past like the 111 year old John McCain. Williams isn’t polite, but he’s careful with every word he mutters on stage. Each time he blurts out the “N” word it isn’t simply for the hell of it. It holds the past in it every time it hits the audience’s eardrums, beating them brutally like his ancestors once were. When the viewers of this spectacle arise with their hangovers, hums of Williams’ words will continue to resonate with them long after their hangovers have healed.

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“Dissecting the 2008 Electorate: Most Diverse in U.S. History.” Pew Research Centers Hispanic Trends Project RSS. 30 Apr. 2009. Web. 31 Mar. 2015.

“Katt Williams (Personal Life, Wife, Kids, Career).” Katt Williams Bigraphy! Personal Life, Wife, Kids, Career of Katt Williams! Web. 31 Mar. 2015.

“Practicing Polygyny in Black America: Challenging Definition, Legal and Social Considerations for the African American Community.” “” by Gibbs, Tyson; Campbell, Judith. Web. 31 Mar. 2015.

“Study: Whites More Likely to Get Antidepressant Prescription than African-Americans, Hispanics.” CBSNews. CBS Interactive. Web. 31 Mar. 2015.

“The Black/white Marijuana Arrest Gap, in Nine Charts.” Washington Post. The Washington Post. Web. 31 Mar. 2015.

“Unintended Pregnancy Among Young People in the United States.” Unintended Pregnancy Among Young People in the United States. Web. 31 Mar. 2015.