I never failed until I was 24 — here’s what I’ve learned
For as long as I can remember, my mother has referred to me as a perfectionist. That label never felt right to me. I wasn’t obsessed with perfection. I just spent every waking moment working towards my next goal and making sure everything was accounted for and if I somehow missed something I was liable to have an emotional breakdown or end the day in tears. Long story short: she was right.
I could regurgitate some psychoanalysis from my therapist about how my perfectionism is a coping mechanism. Something that makes me feel safe and worthy of love. Or I could hypothesize that growing up in a generation that was told we could accomplish anything made me feel like I had to accomplish everything.
But none of that matters anyway because for 24 years my perfectionism served me incredibly well. In fact, I never failed. At anything. Sure there were tests that didn’t get a 100% score or appointments that got double booked here and there. But nothing I couldn’t fix, and nothing life-changing.
Even if I didn’t get everything I wanted, I still got something. For instance, when I was a senior in high school I auditioned for 12 colleges and only got into 2, but one of those was my dream school. Everything always worked out. Through a combination of good luck, privilege, and hard work, I always got what I wanted.
Until now.
About 6 months ago, I applied to graduate school. I went to a great undergrad, I’ve put some impressive credentials on my resume in the last 3 years since graduating, and I’m ready for the next chapter in my career. I also wanted to move out of the city I currently live in and this would be the perfect reason to do it. Problem is, I didn’t get in. To any of the programs I applied to. I got close (which might be worse) but eventually got rejected from every single one.
After some mourning, I tried to convince myself that this application cycle was especially competitive or that maybe I’m just not meant to go to school this year. Then I regrouped.
In fact, I thought “Why not change careers altogether?” I began looking into teaching. I have always loved working with kids and this could be an obvious transition into a more stable life. I flew to interviews all over the country. I knew it would be competitive but I felt certain this must be the right path so, of course, it would work out. I got to the final round of interviews for several positions and, again, got rejected. For all of them.
So, now what? That’s the question I asked myself when the final rejection rolled through. Months later, I’m still asking myself that question. But I’m beginning to think these failures may be a gift. And I’m learning. A lot!
Firstly, while not having a plan is always going to be a little scary, it’s also going to be okay. Not taking a step forward is not the same as taking a step back. I’ve worked this hard to get where I am now so I’ve accomplished some pretty cool stuff in my life so far. Not going to graduate school or starting a new job this year doesn’t take away from any of that.
Secondly, I have been sprinting forward for as long as I can remember. This time, I don’t have a choice but to pause for a minute. I have a tendency to live in the future instead of in the now. I am trying to use this as an opportunity to take a deep breath and honor where I am now. These rejections are giving me the gift of being present in my life.
Lastly, I realized that my superpower is making the most of any situation I’m in. Perhaps it’s not actually that I’ve never failed — it’s that I’ve never viewed these past moments as failures because I know I will always have my back. I know I will keep going. I will make a new plan. And I will accomplish something else I can be proud of.
Will I be able to let go of perfectionism? Will I be able to be comfortable with uncertainty? I hope one day I can confidently say yes to both of those questions. But for now, I am taking this setback one day at a time and trying to be grateful for where I am now.
