You Can’t Come Back If You’ve Never Left
Musings on Mortality
My closest friend, Liz, died unexpectedly on July 27th, 2018. She turned 33 one week earlier. There were no warning signs, there wasn’t even a cause of death for months. She had a huge presence in so many people’s lives and her death left a gaping hole that nothing will ever be able to fill. How could it? She was too remarkable.
Aside from Liz, no one I love in my life has died. Her funeral was the first I’ve ever been to. I had the honor of speaking at it and shared some words I hoped would give everyone something to help navigate the murky waters we were all in. The unfathomable had happened. There was never supposed to be a life without Liz in it. That wasn’t an option. It isn’t okay. What are we supposed to do now? Ironically, Liz is precisely the person I would turn to in a time like this. But I can’t.
I’m still in denial that Liz is gone. I get struck by waves of anguish and break down crying at the thought of it, only able to calm myself down by saying it’s not real, she isn’t gone. This has progressed into trying to wrap my head around mortality — especially my own. Trying to make sense of no longer being alive and not being aware of no longer being aware of things. We don’t know when we die, because we’re dead. How do you make sense of that?
