Last Year’s Resolutions: An Honest Review
Before making new promises for 2016, I wanted to take an honest look at the resolutions I made last New Year and see how I did. Here’s the rundown.
Learn To Speak French
French is a beautiful language and I’ve always wanted to speak it fluently. I don’t know any French people so I bought a bootleg copy of Rosetta Stone from a guy in the bus station bathroom. I think learned a lot. I wouldn’t say I’m fluent but I know some important phrases and words. Some examples are, “je suis un bonhomme de neige” (I am a snowman) and “mon chien a volé votre fromage” (my dog stole your cheese). Also, “pamplemousse” means “mouse at a day spa” I think.
Last year I was worried about my health in regards to my bad eating habits. It was pretty sad how naive I was. I’d bring a nice fresh salad with lo-cal dressing to work but then go and eat it standing in four lanes of traffic on 95. Or one time, I bought this organic kale smoothie but drank it inside an old apartment building that was being fumigated. I once enjoyed a succulent falafel plate in a condemned asbestos factory. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. A quick chat with a nutritionist and I was on the right track.
Sometimes it’s hard to admit that you have a problem. For example, there was a long stretch of time last year when I was actively on fire. I was trying to be “macho” and refused to acknowledge my condition. People would say stuff like “hey pal, you’re on fire!” and “holy shit, man — you are engulfed in flames and the resulting smoke will choke & kill everyone on this subway car!” Eventually I had to face the music and deal with my problem. Moral of the story? You don’t need to be a tough guy all the time.
Spend More Time With A Family
Our time on this earth is brief and it’s easy to lose sight of what’s truly important. Everyone is caught up in working hard, big promotions, Q3 earnings, busting chops, fast cars, snap chatting Adele about the dopest apps, etc. Last year I resolved to spend more time with a family and I really can’t say enough nice things about the Ljubanovićs, the Croatian family across the street. It was a wonderful experience. Tadej (the father) could always make me laugh. “Who are you and why are you eating at our table,” he’d joke every night. And I was so touched when Ulrika (the oldest daughter) confided in me, saying “I’m scared, strange man — I don’t know why you are here all the time.” These are the memories that last a lifetime.
If you’re like me, you always have an excuse for not exorcizing on a regular basis. “I’m tired! I’ll do it tomorrow! I can’t find my battle axe blessed with holy water!” I’ve heard and used them all. Last year I said “hey buddy, no more excuses” and committed myself to a regular exorcise schedule. It paid off too — I felt better, had more energy, and I banished a 12th century demon called Voxon Garganelle from my fridge where he had taken possession of family-sized hummus tub.
Disband My Squirrel MMA League
Running a mixed martial arts league is an entertaining and lucrative hobby. But like Socrates said, “all good things must end.” Sure, last year’s heavyweight bout between Alberto “Squinty” Gray and Vladimir “Crush Paw” McFluff was one for the ages. And yes, the buzz around Caleb “Peanuts” Von Tree had people desperate for the new season to start. So why shut down the league? Maybe it was the long hours it required. Maybe it was the emotional toll it took. Maybe it was that surprise raid from the city health inspector, state police, and animal control unit. Who’s to say. Thanks to all the people and squirrels who made this dream a reality.
This was an ambitious goal to set but I’m proud to say I hit it. I unfortunately neglected to weigh myself before setting this goal and as a result, I ended being -160 lbs. As a result, I shed my physical form and ascended to a higher level of consciousness as a being of pure light. The upside is being immortal and possessing an omniscient knowledge of all facets of time & space. The downside is that those New Balance sneakers I bought no longer fit on account my not having feet or any body at all. You win some, you lose some.
Best of luck to you all in 2016.