Talk The Talk: The Importance of Tech Slang

The start-up world is cutthroat and unforgiving. Stay sharp, stay focused or taste the shoe-bottoms of your competitors as they climb to the top. “But wait,” you say staring at my immaculate 3-piece suit and power tie. “How do you cultivate a winning approach?” I set down my scotch and sigh at your slovenly appearance and below-average mental capacity. I’ll simply tell you this, friend: priority #1 is to be up-to-date on the cutting edge terminology that defines your workplace and industry. Here’s a helpful introduction.

Flossing the walrus: volunteering for an extremely easy task or project to make oneself look like contributing team player.

Vertical mintigration: the constant sharing of gum to win the favor of coworkers and superiors.

Fart basket: a pointless meeting in which everyone speaks only to be heard.

Hunger gaming: dividing a coworker’s lunch into various pieces and forcing them to complete a scavenger hunt to find it.

Bombasauring: accidentally dropping a Pokemon reference during a big pitch thereby ruining it.

Narwhal: coworker who seems attractive at first glance but is in fact anything but. 
Pineapple: coworker who seems unattractive at first meeting but is in fact extremely hot.

GTDH (Grand Theft Digital Hobbit): stealing of a world-class developer from another start-up.

Multi-platform scalable social matrix: Um, some kind of XBox controller.. or a dessert? Eh…

Smurf Kings: small-time players who greatly overestimate their clout & importance.

Franky Squawk-box: start-up enthusiast who insists on talking shop during post-work drinking events.

Pudding face: a great company with an especially terrible logo.

Grandma’s static : A/B testing that yields no conclusive results.