Tremendous New World

“I voted for him because his great slogan” I say again as our forced labor chain gang shovels ashes in the neon wasteland that was once America. Across the river I can see the hover-casinos drifting above the smoke clouds in Manhattan. PureGold Success Jets and Platinum Luxury Helicopters blast through the clouds overhead. I can hear the faint strain of rockin’ music coming from the island. I think the song is “Takin’ Care Of Business” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. It’s rockin’ and I shovel harder. I’m going to be the best at shoveling ash, just a tremendous shoveler, trust me.


“Remember ‘hey, you’re fired!’ on The Apprentice?” I ask but everyone in the all-white Muslim-free cafeteria eats their 1/2 Trump Steaks in silence. The faux-marble pillars and synthetic palm trees are highest quality but don’t make people happy, I guess. Some people have been sad & low-energy because of there being no more 1st Amendment and a Trump-steak shortage (that’s why we only get 1/2 steaks). But I think we’re living in a golden utopia. I think we’re winning way more that before when we didn’t win any more.


Look, I’ll be honest: sometimes I think about what happened to clean water and also my Muslim, hispanic, & reporter friends. But I smile as I put on my DealBlaster Biz Suit & prep for success by chanting “win, win, win” into the dirty bathroom mirror. My gaunt reflection stares back, almost unrecognizable in the mandatory combover wig. “Listen,” I say. “You’ve got it good. You could be living in CHINA or JAPAN. Or, God forbid, MEXICO. But you’re shoveling your way to success in AMERICA© so cheer up, pal.”


I think making the American language only the Best Words was tremendous. We deported so many stupid loser words. I think making all the schools into Trump Universities was a great deal. He’s so good at deals, just the best. I think turning the National Parks into golf courses for the Leadership was so great, trust me. I don’t miss libraries, museums, or newspapers. I don’t miss trees, deer, or blue skies. I don’t miss loser things. I shovel hard every day and when I get promoted to the Oversized Chandelier Factory, you’ll see how much winning I can do, believe me.


Before we Made AMERICA© Great Again, I think we had a son. He was small and probably a baby. In my brain-movies, I watch me showing him pictures and singing him songs and pointing at animals in our yard — a yard was like a bad golf course with animals in it. I say to him, “Listen: you can learn and get smarter and be fun & kind. Life is the best adventure. Also, America, (by the way, small baby, it’s where we live) is a wild mix of people & places & ideas. It’s a wonderful mess. Also, there are libraries which are good places.” I don’t think about that past Financial Period that much. Trust me, that was before we started being so good at business & deals again. It was before we took The Pledge and punched the losership out of this country like a rocket-fueled bald eagle smashing through a cheap thing from Mexico.


After work, I meet Jonald and Ronald at the local Exclusive Champagne Bar to watch Chancellor Tyson’s Monday Night Fight-Night Extravaganza. The Ivanka-Brand Champagne helps wash down the ashes that get stuck in my throat and it’s really top-class champagne, ok. The Exclusive Champagne Bar is really crowded and popular and crowded full of the best workers and AMERICANS©. Jonald buys a huge round of drinks right before the Title Fight (Presented By GoldLine Cruise Horses). The fight starts and the huge crowd at the Exclusive Champagne Bar goes crazy. I want to be so into the two guys punching each other in the face but I’m feeling low-energy. I’m just focused on doing tremendous work tomorrow. I need to shovel harder & better. Tomorrow I need to win. Tomorrow, we all can win.

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