10 Principles for Good Dialogue
What is ‘good dialogue’ and how can it be practiced?
The idea of ‘good dialogue’ was a product of reflecting on the many, many sociopolitical conversations I had throughout my undergraduate either in classrooms or discussion group settings. Largely, it came about from repeated exposure to, quite frankly, ‘bad dialogue’. This dialogue was unfortunately typical in these settings, characterized by heated debate among individuals hardly listening to one another. They were unproductive and time consuming; identity politics, straw man arguments, and general frustration were prevalent.
As a result, myself and a fellow undergraduate at the time, Dempsey Nobert, sought to create a document that could be shared at a discussion group we organized, in order to give participants a general sense for the type of dialogue which we felt would be far more productive and overall less emotionally fatiguing. It is from this document that we coined the term ‘good dialogue’.
Putting these principles into practice, the results were immediately obvious. We were able to facilitate productive conversations on controversial topics among medium sized groups of university students. But, importantly, these groups were made up of students with sometimes polarized views on a specific topic. Regardless, by following these principles in pursuit of good dialogue, a vast majority of our participants felt the discussions were resoundingly much better off for having them in place.
So what is ‘Good Dialogue’?
Good dialogue can generally be understood as the respectful and constructive exchange of ideas between multiple parties on a topic of mutual concern. Or, more simply put, a conversation between people that feel respected, listened to, and understood.
The first of these requisites, respect, is important as without it participants in a conversation will have little desire to continue talking or listening. Once the decision has been made by a conversation’s participant that the discussion is no longer worth engaging in or has become harmful and insulting, it is only a matter of time before dialogue breaks down entirely.
But a respectful conversation does not necessarily equate to a good one. People can feel that their ideas and values are being treated with the utmost respect and consideration, but unless these ideas and values are being engaged with in a way that provides at least a modicum of new insight or consideration, then what was really said? Likely nothing. To this end, the conversations must remain constructive, as well as respectful.
When participants in any conversation, but in particular ones concerning sociopolitical issues, can maintain mutual respect meanwhile being constructive in sharing their thoughts and insights, good dialogue is being practiced.
This may seem to some like a simple task. It isn’t.
When conversations concern topics that you are fairly disengaged from or apathetic towards, respectful and constructive conversation can be surprisingly easy; you will have minimal emotion investment and therefore feel less inclined to lash out or feel attacked, and with less engagement but general interest, a fresh perspective can be quite constructive and easy to present. This is why these tips are aimed at sociopolitical discussions in particular. Often the topics being discussed are emotionally charged and with no clear ‘right answer’. However, while nothing may seem exactly right, there is a lot that can appear very wrong. Participants in these conversations can often feel they are on the offense against some appalling idea or belief, where the potential for harm, were the idea in question to be acted upon, is simply unacceptable. How easy do you think it would be to remain respectful towards someone supporting such an idea? How easy is it to engage with beliefs that fundamentally challenge your own?
Not easy at all.
But, as we found, there is a way to do this. Below are the 10 principles you can use to guide such conversations towards what we are describing as ‘good dialogue’. The aim of these principles is to demonstrate not only the importance of such dialogue, but also to provide practical tips on how to achieve it.
1) See the value in the discussion
Before engaging in sociopolitical dialogue it is important to remind yourself why it is necessary. The ability to have a respectful and constructive face-to-face discussion is one of the most valuable tools we have for supporting a diverse, open, and healthy community. Seeking out different perspectives helps to challenge our assumptions and biases, while making us more aware of the lived experiences of others. It sold normalizes and reaffirms the notion that a healthy social space is one that supports an open exchange of ideas. Dialogue is also valuable in the sense that it develops and refines the sort of analytical abilities required to break down complex sociopolitical issues. By practicing good dialogue, you prepare yourself to handle harmful ideas should they arise. Open and sincere engagement with these ideas (and those who might support them) mitigates the amount of harm they are able to cause; not by shutting them out, but by challenging them directly.
2) Seek to learn, not to win
It is important to note that good dialogue cannot be founded on the idea of winning. While in many cases it may be possible to compare the relative strengths of different arguments and to make a determination as to which is more sound, it is not necessary for every conversation to operate as such. Following this approach when discussing what are often delicate social issues risks generating unnecessary conflict between parties and creating an “us versus them mentality.” Remember: good dialogue does not require a winner; it requires an open exchange of ideas and an overall increase in collective understanding. In more practical terms, as you approach conversation make sure your aim is to acquire new insight and perspective and not to embarrass and defeat an opponent.
3) Start with questions
Before diving into a conversation, make sure everyone is on the same page. Ask questions to clarify your different positions, outline any areas of uncertainty or confusion, and flag points of disagreement to explore in more detail. Taking the time to properly orient to one another greatly reduces the likelihood that people will simply talk past each other or have fundamentally different understandings of what the point of the conversation actually is. These preliminary questions are also beneficial in that they demonstrate respect for different perspectives; a gesture that helps to establish trust and set the stage for an honest and stimulating exchange.
4) Find common ground
When conversing with someone who disagrees with you, it is easy to conclude that your respective views are wholly incompatible and to end the exchange at that. To avoid reaching a dead end to the interaction, attempt to bridge these differences by appealing to common values and ideals. Make a sincere effort to understand your counterpart’s point of view and to identify elements of shared agreement. This helps to establish a foundation on which a more constructive exchange can take place. Rather than dismissing this person as an ‘other’ to whom you can’t relate, find shared interests and build on that. To reconcile different perspectives requires first and foremost a desire to resolve the conflict. Use discussion as a mechanism to learn more about the nature of your disagreements and to bridge them creatively.
5) Separate ideas from people
For the purposes of good discussion, it can be useful to make a distinction between the ideas shared and the individuals who express them. With this mindset, you need not feel uncomfortable should your position be questioned. When a critique is made, imagine it is directed at the idea under consideration and not at yourself or any one person. While this framework does not rule out the merit of lived experience or emotion in analytical discussion, it does help to minimize tension arising from unintended personal offence. Use your judgement and employ this tactic to the extent that it is appropriate in any given context.
6) Use the right tool for the job
In the context of political discussion, behaviour is very often reciprocated: you get what you give. The delivery of your message (including choice of language, tone, and physical gestures) will affect those around you and shape the manner in which they respond. Remember that for every conversation there are a wide variety of rhetorical tools at your disposal. Diplomacy, respect, and patience are immensely valuable, while antagonism, sarcasm, and aggression can do more harm than good. The latter tactic risks driving individuals away from the conversation (perhaps the very individuals you initially hoped to persuade) where their views might harden and become more militant. Be tactful as you engage with others, and always remember that your behavior has consequences.
7) Know your limits
Recognizing the boundaries and limitations of your knowledge is a tremendous asset. Disclosing gaps in your own understanding and potential bias which exists goes a long way in generating respect from your peers. It demonstrates an awareness for the complexity which surrounds most issues, and shows that your position has been carefully reflected on. If you are having a conversation where you feel unprepared to express an opinion, feel comfortable to say so! Saying “I don’t know” is an admirable assertion that you are unwilling to pass judgement on an issue without first acquiring more information. On the other hand, in situations where you feel confident about your position, always advance it carefully and with an appreciation for differing perspectives.
8) Always be willing to change your mind
While it is of course acceptable to have firmly held beliefs based on your own lived experience, research, and evidence, you should always be willing to hear and evaluate new information and perspective and to update those beliefs accordingly. Nearly all knowledge is subject to interpretation (even scientific and historical knowledge) and is continually modified and revised as new evidence and perspectives surface. If someone makes a strong point you had not previously considered, and this disproves or undermines a position you have previously held, this is a good thing! The ability to change your mind is a rare and refreshing intellectual quality that demonstrates to your counterpart not only that you have heard them, but that you are confident enough to concede when good points are made. There is nothing wrong with being wrong, provided you are willing to admit it.
9) Learn to adopt a different perspective
No two people will have perfectly identical interpretations of any issue, even if they agree on key points. If someone makes a remark that you struggle to relate to or find confusing, try to assume their point of view. Beyond than just tweaking an assumption here or there, try to understand the totality of the person you are engaging with: who they are, where they come from, what experiences they might have had, and so on. This approach enables you to gain not only a better understanding of what they are trying to say, but why they are saying it. Reframing the conversation in terms that the other party can understand and appreciate can be a powerful tool to mitigate confusion and misunderstanding. This can be challenging in situations where someone’s perspective frustrates or upsets you, or if it directly opposes your own stance. Still, the benefit of engaging in this practice is enormous. You have a much higher chance of influencing the perspective of the other person or of persuading them to your own. Your strategy for advancing your position can only be enhanced using this approach.
10) Discuss the discussion
Don’t be afraid to address the elephant in the room. If the discussion simply isn’t going well, don’t be afraid to address the elephant in the room; talk about the discussion itself. Ask others why are you seem to be unable to have a good discussion. Where specifically are the breakdowns occurring? By acknowledging that a problem exists and trying to resolve it, you prevent yourself from wasting energy in a fruitless exchange and show others that you are invested in having good dialogue. Express your concern that the conversation feels tense and communicate your interest in identifying and removing barriers to conversation. See if you can’t reboot the interaction and start again on different terms. Try running down the list of principles noted above. For each one, see if the principle is being practiced effectively and if not, whether it can be used to get the discussion back on track. This shows respect not only to the person with whom you are dealing but also to the process of conversation itself. Acknowledging the value of good dialogue and seeking in every instance to secure it can go a long way to promote diverse, open and healthy communities.
Of course, how we understand ‘good dialogue’ is by no means a new concept, and can certainly be understood in a multitude of different ways. This manner of articulating the overall idea of respectful and constructive dialogue is meant to apply specifically to sociopolitical discussions, with the ‘10 principles for Good Dialogue’ being phrased specifically in this context.
