Dear Shia LeBeouf,

I know you’re in a bad place right now. I can’t say I’m a big fan of your films, but it seems like neither are you. A friend told me about your art project at the Angelica. The descriptions were unflattering, but I feel that people are being way too hard about a young artists was was both blessed and cursed by an insane amount of fame. I would imagine living under a microscope would be a pain in the ass.

Obviously, I wouldn’t know.

I think you probably are aware that there is a great deal of jealousy in aspersion cast upon you. Undoubtedly a lot of people are thinking, “Why does this kid get rich beyond the dreams of Croesus while I haven’t gotten a raise in a decade, I’m being priced out of my neighborhood by the boring suburban trolls I fled when I first moved here? The world is, undoubtedly, grossly unfair.”

And, of course, they have a point: life in America is, now more than ever, grossly unfair.

Obviously, you are interested in performance art, as well as other experimental arts. So here’s my suggestion on how you can find your bliss, still make blockbuster movies, but make small, non-commercial art at the same time.

  1. Buy a warehouse, set it up with a nice sound system. Look at Issue Project Room in Brooklyn or The Lab in SF as an example.
  2. Pick artists to perform- plays, bands, Marina Abramović style performance art. Choose stuff you like. Hire a booker to help- there are plenty of kids needing a job these days.
  3. Give people who perform there memberships. This is the important part. Festivals like CMJ, SXSW, etc have become horrible shitshows (I quit a band rather than play another CMJ) because they are overcrowded and have shoved the artists aside who helped build the platform. Reserve half the seats until the day of the show strictly for members who have performed there. Whatever seats are left can be sold at the door the day of the show.

Hell, set up a little cafe with a coffee bar, cheap healthy sandwiches and food for your starving artist patrons. Give them jobs working there. Hang local artists up on the wall.

This would also pay off handsomely for you- you’d get some great press, meet people outside of your circle without being buried under starfuckers and sycophants, find people to collaborate with, perform whatever you please. Most importantly, you’d get to feel how great it is to make art again.

What do you think?

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