Surviving

Its December and I had pictured this Christmas to be so different from what is reality…an aching heart and empty arms.

I miss my daughter so much and though I try to find the light in simple joys…I’m constantly reminded that I no longer carry her and instead I only have a locket filled with her ashes.

Two months since she flew to heaven and I’m here still trying to grasp what happened that our joy turn into our sorrow.

Christmas was always the most important time of the year for my family and I. Growing up all I remember is excitement, love and family. This year, I’m just not feeling the same. But I as a mother I wanted my daughter to know that she was loved and she mattered.

I took all that love to create a tree that represented my Ella Grace. I choose trimmings that symbolised my dreams, plans and love for my little girl.

Last night as a family, we went to see the Christmas lights near home. We smiled looking at the lights, how they sparkle and twinkled…for a moment that little light of hope came into my heart…though brief it was a much needed reprieve.

Coming back home, I went to my Ella’s nursery sat down infront of her pumpkin carriage that held her ashes and cried.

I poured my heart and told her that Mommy is trying but its hard. Mommy is still trying to understand why your heart stopped and hers went on.

I told her how much I wanted to hold her, to kiss her tiny forehead and her perfect little hands and feet. All I had was her pumpkin carriage, still pictures and memories of holding her and that would have to be enough.

I’m struggling but I’m also trying to survive with a big piece of my heart missing.