I can’t help myself but feel out of place with the place I’m at in life. There is so much more to do and say and be and I feel like I’m just wasting away in a retail job not getting what I want out of college. University is suppose to be the greatest time and I know I’m not getting anything out of it.

I remember a professor of mine saying he never wanted us to use the words “I feel”. I didn’t really get it before but I think I do now. He didn’t want us to think we feel something or be skeptical. People say they feel when they don’t want to be wrong, its a way of half owning up to something. You shouldn’t want to just feel something but know it, to know its true, to stand by it. That’s what I want to do with my life currently. I want to know and not just feel. To have more than just fleeting moments of experience and joy to return to nothingness.

I’m also reading a book suggested by what I think really is my best friend. The Alchemist, its really insightful about life and one thing I read in it today or rather my interpretation of it was that you can either let yourself be a victim of circumstance and let it define you and be the excuse for everything that goes wrong later or happens, or you can continue on your journey and let the bad be just that is a moment. So yeah bad things happen but that’s all it needs to do… happen…then move on. Not to sound like a self help book but yea this book is kind of amazing. Its not a self help book but it does self help and it uses fiction, which I love, and I don’t know how to explain it just tells the flaws in our way of thinking which are so obvious yet completely ignored.

I tend to be a little scattered brain I know. But these two things are what is currently going on with me in response to this out of place feeling. I want to do so much more then I am and yet I feel I’m always settling. There are so many great things but I can’t seem to burst through this thick ass wall of stress and problems and responsibility and guilt. I think sometimes about dropping it all and just leaving as though leaving will grant me the fresh start to just kick my entire mind into overdrive and I’ll dive headfirst into my dreams coming out a star. But then I think of the people and the problems I’m leaving behind, and what could happen without me. The same as in my book, its pointless to fear the unknown but that possibility is inescapable. It would haunt me. At the same time staying is like sacrificing an entire lifetime and not that I wouldn’t do that for the people I love, but arn’t I entitled to be just a little bit selfish.

The goal is to find that middle ground between responsibility and freedom, in other words happiness. To not feel guilty for wanting a separation because I do believe in a thing as too late and I do feel like I’m getting older and I want what I want now before I have to settle. I’ve been currently been obsessed with the idea of Zurich. Maybe one day.