Dumb Bitch Chronicles, Vol. 1: Hoes & Woes — A Collection of the Dumb-Ass Men From Tinder Who I Decided To Give A Chance

I’ve been truly depressed since I was 15. I listened to too much Lana Del Rey and Marina and the Diamonds, and I was writing a lot back then. I’ve decided that, as a general rule, when I’m depressed I can write the best. I’m trying to change that, but there’s something about feeling super-super-super (!) suicidal that makes me wanna write deep-ass, poetic shit. Of course, it was just fan fiction but it was still good, to me.

So while I was depressed as fuck back then, I still think my real troubles came at the hands of Tinder.

Well, no, not the app itself, but the male specimens I met on it. Let’s go through the significant ones (which doesn’t include the ones who have sent me dick pics — they don’t count).

#1: The Worldly Hometown Boy

I started talking with this guy in January of 2017. I remember we started on Friday the 13th because I had slipped down these concrete stairs at my dorm since I’m a fucking klutz, and I ruined my shin. It still hasn’t really recovered.

He had obviously read my bio, and because this was my first real guy I was talking to, I was so enamored. The fact that he was from near my hometown and was so cool and so well-traveled and actually not even ugly had me SPRUNG. I was going to 18+ night at the club every Wednesday night back then, and I would drunk text the fuck out of him only to apologize the next morning. Every time. He wouldn’t mind, though. He liked being wanted. I was drunk texting the fuck out of a guy with an Android. Those green texts meant the world to me.

So, basically, I got caught up too fast and he got a lot of ideas in my mind. We had some deep conversations. He was my valentine even if it didn’t mean anything. I was basically his girlfriend, but he wasn’t my boyfriend because he just wanted a friend with benefits. I thought I could turn him around, but I couldn’t. I should’ve left the second he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but because I’m a dumb bitch, I didn’t.

In March, we got into a fight over a misunderstanding over text and he stopped talking to me. He was being really difficult and childish and I still took the blame. He wouldn’t talk to me for a couple days, and I blew up his phone even though I shouldn’t have. Then we had a conversation about it that ended in another fight. I eventually blocked him on everything. I cried for, like, days.

Because I’m a child and on my parents’ phone plan, my dad could see I was sending an excessive amount of text messages to an Android. He’d asked me about the guy, and I told him we were just friends, because we were, essentially. Even though I was damn near in love with the kid. Over spring break, after I blocked him, my dad asked me about him and it took me all the strength in my body to not cry, to just say, “Yeah, he’s just really boring.”

In April, I unblocked him because I was lonely and we started talking again. Things were still kind of awkward, and the guy basically told me it wouldn’t do much for him if we kept talking. He’d be in my life for my sake alone. I meant nothing to him. He caught a block and a half after that. I shouldn’t have gone back.

I miss him when I think of the new guys who enter my life, who only want sex. This Worldly Hometown Boy was a cool-ass dude, at the end of the day. He didn’t want to really have sex with me since he’s pretty asexual, as far as I know. If I was more mature and didn’t try to force something he didn’t want, we’d probably be best friends. He was funny and tall and really cute and complemented me (even though he was a Libra), but I fucked that up. I think I would kill to have him as just a regular guy friend now.

But no — I’m a dumb bitch.

#2: The SoundCloud Rapper

Fresh out of my final heartbreak with the Worldly Hometown Boy, I started talking to this SoundCloud rapper. The thing about Tinder is that I, like, NEVER meet guys from my college town. I match with guys from the area of my hometown over school breaks, or whenever I visit home, really. My hometown area has a lot more diversity. All I get in my college town is white boys that I’d never give a chance and Canadians who would never cross a border to see me (well… until later). This guy was a few towns over from my hometown, and he was a SoundCloud rapper.

In reality, he wasn’t not even that cute. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like. Literally, I couldn’t. I don’t even have a picture in my mind. I only swiped right because his bio said he was working on music with Chance the Rapper. I thought, If I get with him, I could meet Chance the Rapper. Chance the Rapper is friends with Beyoncé. I could get closer to Beyoncé. It’s perfect.

This guy seemed to like me at first. He called and FaceTimed me all the time. He’d call me when he was grocery shopping just because. He was self-centered as hell. Everything was about his stupid music.

We were gonna go on a date, but the first time, he got sick and cancelled. We rescheduled. Because I knew my parents were out of town for the weekend and wouldn’t question me, I took the Greyhound all the way back to my hometown only for him to cancel on me the way there. We were supposed to go out the next day, Saturday, and I was telling him that I was excited to see him. Just before I texted him, I saw a Snapchat on his story of him saying some shit like, “I am NOT in a relationship, nor am I looking for one! I’m only focused on money and music!” I was like, Uh, that ain’t got shit to do with me so I texted him, anyway.

So yeah. He told me just that.

He was like, “I’m sorry. You’re a hella cool girl but I’m not trying to date right now or anything.”

I was like, “I wasn’t trying to rush anything with you, either. It’s cool.”

We still had each other on Snapchat and Instagram for a while after that. Like, it had been a month before I did something. I was already talking to another guy, but on Mother’s Day, literally ONE (1) month later, I saw some shit on his Snapchat story. He was with this girl, saying stuff like, “The love of my life. Happy Mother’s Day. I’m gonna make you a mother a year from now.”

Yeah, so he’s a loser.

I deleted him from Snapchat in that moment. I unfollowed him on Instagram after I saw he unfollowed me. Then I deleted him from Facebook when I saw he was dating a white girl. Like, damn.

So I definitely dodged a bullet with that one.

#3: The Dick Appointment

In May, right after I got rid of the SoundCloud rapper, I decided to try out POF. I know, I know. It’s weird. But I realized just how shallow Tinder is. The first thing you see is a picture. I wanted a man with substance, and on POF, people can fill out a whole profile about themselves and what they’re looking for. I decided that an ugly guy wasn’t so bad as long as he had a good personality.

One night when I was smoking weed with my roommate and high as ALL FUCK, a user from POF called me by accident. I didn’t answer, but we started texting from then on. He wanted to hang out with me, bad, but he didn’t have a car and I didn’t want to take a bus to the movies. So because Mother’s Day was coming up that Sunday and my roommate was leaving since she’s an only child, I had Dick Appointment come over.

I talked with him about it before — he could spend the night, but I was N O T going to have sex with him. At all. I wasn’t even gonna look at his dick. He said that was fine, that we could just “Netflix and chill.”

Look, I’m a virgin, but I’m not stupid.

Just a lil’ dumb.

I decided to have two dates that Friday, to celebrate my roommate going home for a weekend. I got dinner with this other guy who was insignificant, rude, and unpleasant as fuck, and then I had Dick Appointment come over. He didn’t know I got dinner with another guy prior, but that has nothing to do with him.

He was really cold when I first greeted him, and he was NOT 5'10. I’m 5'7, so while I’m not the happiest with 5'10, I can do it. A 5'7 guy is something that I’d prefer not to deal with, but he was already here so whatever. He was kind of cute and very stoic — he’s in the Army.

We went to my room and put on Space Jam because I fucking love that movie. I didn’t touch him. I sat up in my bed while he leaned back. He asked if we were gonna cuddle and I was like “???!!!” but I did cuddle with him lightly until the movie was over.

Once it was over, I turned off the lights and took off my bra since I was kind of tired. We cuddled some more, and I told him that I was so bad at this and I was so sorry. I hadn’t even kissed a guy — or anyone — by that point.

Then I had my first kiss.

With Dick Appointment.

He thought I was so good even though I wasn’t; he was just really bad at it. Because of him, I decided I HATED kissing. I much preferred dry-humping, which my virgin ass grew to love.

So we fooled around just a little bit that night and didn’t go to sleep until, like, 2am. The next morning, his friend was taking FOREVER to pick him up (since it seems like I only attract BROKE-ASS niggas, he had walked to my dorm from his place, which was in the same town, but super far away, and, like, an hour walk). We made out and dry-humped and shit. He sucked on my titties.

I remember thinking, Wow. This man is really out here sucking on my titties. He owes me a fucking Mother’s Day card tomorrow. Shit.

When he finally left, I ate my leftovers from my awful dinner date before him and watched RuPaul’s Drag Race. It was the best time of my life.

A week later, I went to his place. His whole family was there and I was wearing one of my hoe tops with boob cutouts and shit. I felt so bad. We turned the TV up really high and did a bunch of virginal shit. He ordered pizza. I thought whatever we had was gonna last forever. He told me he liked what we had and didn’t want a relationship because they’re too much work. I thought I was worth the work, but regardless, we were happy to hang out with each other.

That night, I sucked dick for the first time with the live-action Scooby-Doo movie playing in the background.

I know. It’s bad.

I later sucked his dick that same night to the Donald Glover stand-up comedy special on Netflix, which I felt bad for missing because I was really enjoying it, and then I sucked his dick the next morning, too.

I swallowed all three times but honestly? His dick was nice and big and uncut, so he deserved it.

I’ve had a couple different firsts so far with him, which is sad because he really ain’t shit, but it’s whatever. I was deeply considering having sex with him, but I realized he doesn’t deserve it.

We didn’t get to hang out before school got out. Over the summer, I cleared my schedule a couple times to come all the way to my college town to see him, but he cancelled on me. We planned to hang out three times in fall quarter. He cancelled every single time, and the next night I’d see him on Snapchat drinking with his friends. It’d be so much easier to cut him off if I didn’t love his dick so much. He doesn’t deserve the size of the dick he has. And, anyway, I think his friends give him head on the low-low. There’s no way you skip out on the opportunity to get decent head from an easygoing, sexy girl who SWALLOWS. And I know he doesn’t have any other girls on the side — he has no game. Regardless, this man has cancelled on me more times than we’ve actually hung out, and I’m trying very hard to be over him.

Bye, Dick Appointment.

#4: The Nice Guy

This next guy was someone I matched with other the summer. He lives pretty far from me, and as much as he talked about liking me and wanting me, he never made the effort to meet up with me in the city halfway between us.

You know how I said I attract broke-ass niggas?

This guy is, like, 24, he doesn’t drive, and he doesn’t have a job. All he does is play video games and hang out with his friends and complain about living with his grandpa even though he’s 24 and living there rent-free. He’s a loser, through and through, but he is so fucking nice. Too fucking nice. If he had a mean bone in his body, I wouldn’t talk to him anymore.

When I’m drunk, I just wanna show everybody my boobs or my ass. They look good in pictures and I’m proud of them. I messed up and showed him a couple times but he never made me feel bad about it. If he had anything to do with his life, I’d probably marry him or something.

#5: The Future Husband (Abridged)

The last August I met this guy who lives an hour away from my hometown. I thought he was THE ONE. We’d talk on the phone just about every night until 3am. I had cringey-ass phone sex with him, but I loved it. It was magical. He was saying how he wanted to be with me. It was low-key hood love, but it was perfect.

I won’t go into the details because this is the abridged story (the whole story is TOO damn long but might make for a future blog post), but right before we were about to hang out for the first time, in September, his phone was stolen. I couldn’t get a hold of him for months. I was so heartbroken. I tried to move on, but then he came back to me in October.

From then on he’s been in and out and in and out and in and out and now in my life. I know I should cut him off, but I keep telling myself that things will be better when he decides to act right. But he won’t act right, and things won’t be better with him. I love him, but I can’t mold him into the future husband I need him to be.

I just can’t let go of him, either. We’ve tried to break up a couple times now, but it doesn’t work. It never has. He tried to break up with me right before my birthday, back in November. I didn’t let him. I tried to break up with him around Thanksgiving. He didn’t let me. He’s the source of a good portion of my emotional damage — he has to be. I’ve never been so untrusting, stressed, and simply crazy at the hands of a man. Every day I think of finally cutting him out of my life. Does he deserve a proper goodbye and a block, or just a block? I’ve tried so many times. I want him with me, but I want him gone.

Instead, I just text him “love you” for the third time in the past week and wait for him to text back a week after that. I’m so fucking stupid and writing this makes me want to give him up for the final time now. I used to think it was a “right person, wrong time” kind of scenario, but no. That’s not it at all. He might just be the wrong person. Someday I’ll need the courage to say goodbye, preferably before things get even deeper. I know he won’t change, as much as he says he will. I just know it.

As much as I love him (sometimes) and he claims to love me (sometimes), I feel like we’ll end up like my parents if things ever work, and I’d rather kill myself than go through that. (You know my parents are crazy.)

#6: The Canadian

I started talking to the Canadian in October. (He’s actually from somewhere in the Middle East, but he lives in Canada.) I started out being really, really mean to him because I was having issues with Future Husband, but I came around. The Canadian said he was looking for something serious.

He just couldn’t fucking follow through on a plan. Weather kept us apart, then he cancelled on me. Twice. Finally, about a week and a half ago, he hit me up. We went out on an unplanned whim and got dinner.

You see, over Thanksgiving break when I was bored at home, I had phone sex with him because he’s good at it, and nobody is good at phone sex. It’s the worst. I’d try FaceTime sex but I’m too prone to making funny faces. But this guy was good over the phone, so we’d do it. We’d talk about whatever we were gonna do to each other later, dumb shit like that. I’m a virgin, so, like, yeah, I think it’s okay.

So we got to hang out and he literally followed through on what he said he’d do with me. He sucked on my titties, like, excessively. Everywhere. It was pornographic. He came while we were making out and I grabbed his dick a little bit, which was very strange. I ended up giving him head, which lasted under 4 minutes. (I was thinking of “Touch” by Little Mix the whole time, since it’s my mental waiting music, and that song isn’t that long.) Because he cancelled on me twice before and I didn’t like him that much (and this was also some in-between activity since I would see Dick Appointment two days later), I didn’t think much of it and I certainly didn’t swallow.

This Canadian told me I had given him the best head of his life. I “sucked [his] soul out.” He would come down to the U.S. every single day for head alone, if he could.

It was only my second time (well, fourth, but the second dick) giving head. I was kind of the shit.

He took me home and couldn’t stop texting me about it for days after that. He was sprung.

I mean, of course, until I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious so he backtracked and said he was just looking for casual fun.

So I don’t like talking to him anymore. Much like Future Husband, the Canadian literally only hits me up when he’s horny. My frustration with the Canadian is the reason why I started this blog. I was over knowing exactly what I was going to get out of men and still getting mad about it happening.

So I don’t really like men that much. All they do is frustrate me and piss me off and make me cry, and my dumb ass falls for it every time.

I too often find myself running between my options. I could not give new guys a chance because I’ll be heartbroken, eventually… but what if I miss out on The One? I could give this guy a new chance but keep my heart guarded… but what if I’m too closed off and miss out on a good thing? I could dive right in with a new, fresh, open mindset and see what happens… but what if that just means I haven’t learned anything and I get my heart broken like I should have expected?

See, I try to think things through all the way, see all the possibilities, before I go into something. But guys just have me stumped.

Recently, I’ve just been going through new encounters, trying to give every guy a chance but being aware of past behavior I’m familiar with and my own past mistakes. It’s difficult, especially since I haven’t fully cut off a majority of the significant guys I’ve listed earlier, but it’s something. Like I said, I’m a dumb-ass bitch who never learns. Let’s just see how I fuck up next time. Damn.

I don’t hate all guys — I’m pretty thankful for the ones who don’t try to sleep with me or fuck with my head. I love my father and my brother, even though they’re both kind of annoying. I love a couple of guy friends I have. They remain as supportive as ever.

So I don’t hate all guys. It’s just that a lot of them piss me off. In 2018, I’ll try not to worry about guys, though. I’ll really try. I’ll try to stay off Tinder and everything.

I promise.