Incapable and incompetent

is what you think of me.

I’ll never achieve the standards you set out for me —

Never get into an Ivy League school.

Never do well for A levels.

Never never never.

Maybe you’re not wrong. But not correct either. Maybe I’ve disappointed you enough for you to lose all hope in me.

But why don’t you know that I’m kind of trying my best albeit it not working out.

I’m not intelligent not skinny enough and not eloquent enough for you to present me to your top notch colleagues. Maybe you’re embarrassed about the institution I’m studying in, and god, I am too. Maybe that’s why during family gatherings you stop introducing me first. I’m a walking disappointment you see.

Your words pierce through me like no before. Nobody’s words hurt me as much as yours as I look up to you as my role model most of the time. Dean’s lister. Further mathematics. Scholarships. All of those I hope to achieve but sad to say I’m none of the above.

I’m a spendthrift. Girl with no goals, obsessing over future boyfriends and skinny thighs. YouTube videos and 12 hour long sleeps. A nobody. One who doesn’t spend time with her family as much as she used to. One who only wants money without working for it. Lazy, lazy, so god damn lazy. Ugly body, ugly face.

But you two, I love you both with all my heart and am willing to sacrifice my all for you. I’m terribly disappointed in myself too but I just wish you would be more supportive. If I were my brother you probably would have been. Sorry I’ve let you down too many times for you to believe in me. Maybe its my fault.

I’m sorry

for the things I’ve done

to make you lose hope in me

and my capabilities.

You were never like this

till today.

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