Sweet escape

Darling, don’t cry your lungs out over dropping into the O level class.

Don’t ever think you are unworthy because you are not the smartest, prettiest, skinniest and all the superficial aspects people look for in girls. Don’t beat yourself up over your tiniest mistakes. Don’t hate people or even happenings which landed you in that situation.

Maybe you didn’t know this but three years later, you will thank yourself for making friends with “change”. Maybe you didn’t know this but life has so much more to offer than mere numbers on your score sheet or the weighing scale. Maybe you didn’t know this but the number of friends you have does not mean anything. Maybe you didn’t know this but being alone sometimes is perfectly okay. Maybe you didn’t know this but loving can be so beautiful yet so tragic. Maybe you didn’t know this but life offers you so many things you cannot grasp yet when you look back, it’s mostly always a bittersweet experience. Maybe you didn’t know this but you can find happiness on some good days.

I remember the days you sat in your room crying over the results you never bothered putting in effort for. I remember how you always lament on how you live so faraway from school. I remember how trainings sucked for you because you always felt like you were never enough. God, your 14/15 year old self must have hurt a great deal.

Some days I look back and I want to cry for hurting myself so much in the past such that I sometimes still fall into an abyss of sadness simply because I find it difficult to comprehend that happiness CAN come by in the smallest ways. Some days I look back and I want to hug her so fucking tightly and tell her to love herself better. Some days I look back and I want to stay with her and tell her it’s okay it’s okay it’s going to be okay.

When people say that it’s going to be okay, it IS GOING TO BE. Don’t doubt them.

I love falling and hurting myself over and over again. I feel like I’m in a never ending warzone, battling this war sometimes alone, sometimes with people around me.

Forgive my cheesy self but I am immensely thankful for falling and fucking falling so deep I felt like I lost myself for four whole years. From being full of regrets of not being able to see my grandfather the last time before he passed on, to failing every fucking examination, to break-ups, to going to a school I never knew existed and the list goes on. It was fucking tough. SO FUCKING TOUGH.

Believe me I tried to enter this school in a positive mindset but the first day gave me shivers and in this school I felt so unhappy, so lost like never before. Yet as the days went by, I found myself being able to appreciate things more. I started to put things into perspective and realise that even though at times the environment is sucky, there are things worth it amongst the horrible.

MAJOR THANK YOU TO COUNCIL. For being the first group of people I’m so comfortable crying to. THANK YOU. Thank you for allowing me to find home in this school. Thank you for tolerating my weird ass behaviours. For laughing at me dancing together with me. For non-stop writing of scripts to make it decent. For eating the unhealthiest things. For singing and dancing as if it’s our last song. For loving each other so visibly at times. For embracing everyone’s weirdness.

If I cry during graduation, y’all might be the reason why. Thank you thank you thank you. I have never found home in such a huge group of people in a long time.

Thank you — for holding my hand through it all.

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