This is Your Life in Tech London
It‘s middle of the night. You can’t sleep. You’re afraid to check time on your iPhone — this will only make you more awake. You recount your day. Hoping to doze off.
Did you sleep well? You wake up on cue, 5 minutes before alarm rings. Great, time to catch up on news. TechCrunch, Venturebeat, Verge — you read them all. You scan headlines on your RSS feed. First page and oh, another $300m Series C? Dang, it’s US again. Next one will be in Europe. Yes, Europe is so underinvested. And such a big market. Very up and coming. That’s why you decided to move to London. Stupid Brexit. But tech will be alright.
You drift away. Alarm rings. You forget to check rest of RSS feed.
Who has time for breakfast these days? You head to the tube and grab your food on the way. Pret is your corner bar for everything organic. Pret is everyone’s corner bar — seriously there’s like 0000s of them in UK. Yes they are a bit overpriced with £3 yogurts apiece and £5 sandwiches, and you remember the portions used to be bigger. But hey, can’t put money on quality — and with so many of Prets, the bigger you get — your costs scale, right? You’re good at finance — you do it for a living.
Getting out of tube, now a short walk to offices of VC fund where you work. It’s Mayfair — posh area. Office looks great, too. And there’s free bottled water. As an associate, you make less than your colleagues at Google at Facebook. But you never let them get a hint of this — they envy your status as “tech investor”. And you hope to keep it that way.
At the office, it turns out you missed a piece of news from your RSS feed — Deliveroo is about to raise another round and your fund is NOT in on it. Deliveroo is one of those European start-ups which actually reached scale-up level. And it’s kind of in the name — food delivery. You hear your boss madly seething about this to another associate “How could they. Who do they think they are. I met them just last year and they promised to loop us in. We have old money, and who can bring THAT to the table?”. There are two other associates in the fund. You all compete for leads. In three years’ time, only one of you will make principal. You are not friends.
You come from a country in continental Europe. Despite graduating from a UK university, you are aware that your accent is off the mark, and you sometimes sound funny. That makes you feel uncomfortable. You hate those moments of self-awareness. Think about something else, think about something else, think about something else.
PA tells you that your afternoon meeting is confirmed. Great, still time enough to read about the start-up before you meet the founder. Pro tip: always do homework. But not now, you’ll do the reading after lunch.
By the way: your PA is getting on your nerves. She doesn’t get tech, and worse yet — she doesn’t care. She uses a 4-year old Galaxy Note. You remember once lecturing her on how big screens are for losers. Now you have an iPhone Plus, but that’s not the point. Her tech is so obsolete. Adding insult to injury, it’s an Android phone — you shudder to think how guests see it, breaking the beautiful symmetry of Apple ecosystem across your office. That, and the Partner’s laptop. But that’s not the point. When you become Principal, you will have more say. Until then, you secretly hate your PA. And she probably voted for Brexit. What a loser.
Oh. Oh. Brexit. The very thought gives you anxiety. Ever since the referendum, yourself and other continental Europeans are in limbo. Will you be able to stay on and work in UK? You are not sure. Your stomach churns. Anxiety grows. Left pills at home. Think about something else, think about something else.
It is lunchtime, and you have an appointment. A student reached out a few weeks ago for an “informational interview”. That means the student wants to break into VC and secretly hopes you can help. What a loser. You still agree to meet. After all, you’re a good person, and this is how you give back to society…
Student is in awe upon meeting yourself, a real VC associate. How does one break into this world, your world? Well, obviously this is only for the best of the best. You need to deliver value. And have the right profile. The student is probably too old, already in final year. And too young, you need people with experience. Not too much experience though, experience makes you rigid. The student thanks for your valuable comments, and pays for your lunch.
On saying goodbye, the student braves a question: ”You guys seeking interns, or junior analysts?”. What a loser. “You need to hustle more”, you say. Nobody has hustle these days.
On the way back, in the street you see a fat guy eating doughnuts. What’s wrong with him? Pret is on every corner. Everyone should eat Pret. Not the cheapest option, but you are what you eat, right? What a loser. He probably voted for Brexit.
Back at office. You realize meeting starts in 3 minutes and you never researched the guy’s company. Quickly, to the website. Dang, ‘stealth mode’, enter email to get notified on launch. Did they send a deck? Yes — actually it came from your Partner — you suddenly remember that your Partner and the founder are good friends, apparently. Oh-oh. OK, gotta make a good impression.
Enter the founder. Fintech. You like fintech. Fintech is big. So big. Bigger than big data, maybe. Pitch is go. Founder wants to sell insurance through ATMs: “Average consumer spends 3 minutes at ATMs every month. This is captive audience which we can cross-sell to other financial products” he reads the deck “With one-click purchasing at the ATM, we become the Amazon and the Apple Pay of insurance broking”.
“What a great idea” you say to founder.
“What a stupid idea” you say to yourself.
You realise it will never fly — the only thing people pray for at ATMs is to get cash quickly and go. And so it will remain for as long as ATMs shall live, which is probably not long, by the way. But oh-oh, founder good buddies with your Partner… So, you promise to follow up while secretly hoping they’ll forget.
Another meeting — this time a company you sourced yourself. OK, not a company yet — two founders with a bunch of ideas. Great ideas. Always new ideas — they just need to settle for something, finally. You met them at TC Disrupt last year. Well, not the actual TC Disrupt — your boss wouldn’t pay for your ticket, so you went to TC Hackathon instead. Free admission. You hoped for free food too, but dang — that was only for participants, not spectators. Next year register as participant, you tell yourself. Pro tip.
So, the meeting. Two techies with ideas. They are burning through cash from another EU grant. European Union supports entrepreneurship through many programs — all in the hope of catching up with Silicon Valley. Your friends usually get EU funding by submitting a slightly redesigned mock-up of a US website, claiming it as own idea. Most recently they copied Dribble. EU funding, so other people’s money. Or actually, nobody’s.
Anyway — today they want to build smart baby diapers. Oh, the younglings — you think to yourself. So creative, so jolly. This will never fly, or at least not with your backing, but you want to stay in touch. Very up and coming — some day they will come up with another Facebook, and you — you will be there to back them. For sure.
Time for last meeting of the day, and this will be a big one. Partner is proud of the firm’s connections to “old money”. You have never seen any LPs (that’s “limited partners” for the uninitiated, i.e. folks who put actual money into your VC fund — their own, or their people’s). Partners keep juniors away from LPs — in case you develop your own relationship and who knows, start your own fund? But today’s the day. You are meeting LPs.
Quickly, quickly — to the conference room. Turns out LPs are directors from a big asset manager you have never heard of. So, other people’s money.
Pitch mode on — your VC fund’s deck in play. Partner going through the presentation, high on adrenaline — almost shouting out every mention of “unicorn” and “Silicon Valley”. Every page features the word “unicorn” (also alternatively “prenicorn”, “decacorn” or “centacorn”).
Presentation to LPs continues. “Our portfolio companies, they love us — for the value we bring to table. I recently met, you know, Susan Wojcicki of YouTube. This is the kind of connectivity we’re talking about. Not everyone can just call Susan and get her views on our start-up’s product”. Your partner was introduced to Susan at a cocktail party. Probably doesn’t have her number. Or her email address.
Now for your portfolio companies. “Great ideas from great teams. We ride macro trends that propel us onward”, says Partner. AI-enabled e-commerce. Funny video search. Big data scoring for finding the perfect flatmate. Social network for chatbots.
You notice that LPs are very quiet, and don’t ask any questions. Their eyes glaze away at every mention of “disruption”. You suddenly realise they probably have a very vague idea of what your portfolio companies actually do. They wake up when your partner invites them all to pub for a few pints after the meeting. They leave — one of them forgets his mobile phone. He’ll be back, for sure. It’s a NOKIA 6650.
Evening meeting with your buddies. They work at a Big Tech Company — and invite you over to their offices. There’s a good reason — free beer in breakout area. So much better than going to a pub full of losers… And Pret doesn’t serve beer anyway.
Downing artisanal IPAs with buddies. Big Tech Company, great life… Free beer all day, free food, free stock options. You especially like the free beer. So do your buddies — they drink every day of the week. Oh, the glamorous perks… Your buddies start discussing pairings of beer with breakfast cereal. You want their life.
Way home, so a Tinder binge. And Happn, and Bumble. Three apps, three different personas. But tonight, you just need a good shag. So, Tinder it is. You flip. Athletic? Flip. Dreamer? Flip. Dog lover? Flip. Sporty spice? Flip. Artsy type? Flip. You should start chatting them up, but you realise it’s already late, and getting laid would take at least another hour. Skip the hassle and try to hook up wit your ex? THAT’S efficient. Pro tip. You’re all about efficiency. ToDo list: text ex tonight.
Almost home. You live in Shoreditch — which you like to think is “the SOMA of Europe”. An old industrial neighborhood, now an up and coming tech district. The rents have upped and the hipsters have come, but your commute to VC offices still takes you half way across London.
You emerge from out of the underground, and it’s already dark. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t rain in London every day. But it’s dark. You join the crowd walking down a dimly lit street. Strolling by Pret. The sign’s dark red glow illuminates faces of passerbys. You look, but never close enough for eye contact. Eye contact is taboo in London.
You finish recounting your day. And then alarm rings. Did you sleep well? Did you sleep? Did you?
*****
With respects to Sunil Rajaraman
