This is your life in tech London: the Meetup

Afternoon drags on. Passing time at desk. You check the phone for notifications. Friend just posted on Facebook… Do you give it a like? Are you liking it? Are you?
A Deliveroo guy ruined your day — lunch order arrived damaged. Parmesan cheese melted into the risotto, and tiramisu was squashed. You are convinced it was delivery guy’s fault. What a loser. As far as you’re concerned — you can’t wait until they’re all replaced by robots.
Being a venture capitalist in London has its privileges (yes, even for an associate). One of them is events — there is something cool happening almost every day. And tonight you have a chance to attend one of the better conferences out there — the Meetup, a celebration of all things silicon. Very appropriately, held in a hipster-friendly warehouse in Shoreditch. Shabby is the new chic.
You arrive on site. Long queue… tickets were cheap, so what can you expect. There never is a queue for the fancy TC Disrupt conference, where you actually pay big money for entry. Will everyone get in? Hard to tell, big crowd — but a big warehouse, too. You entertain yourself listening to conversations of fellow attendees:
- I am thinking of putting all my savings in Bitcoin… I think it’s going to rebound, big time…
- Don’t do it! Not a wise idea, all money in one basket. Split it three way, between Bitcoin, Litehoin and Ethereum… that way, you’re golden!

Finally inside. Programming has started — startups pitching to a panel of VC judges. This will be interesting. Maybe you’ll meet your Next Big Investment here tonight?
First contestant:
- We are developing a proprietary SDK for overlaying funny 3D objects over a live social media feed, which we will make available to advertisers worldwide
- Like putting rabbit ears on someone’s face?
- Yes, exactly! You totally get our product.
- What you just described — it would seem that Facebook and Snapchat are already doing it?
- Yes, many people say that to us… But this is just optics. Facebook, Snap — we don’t treat them as competitors, we see them as our potential customers.
Another one:
- What is your product?
- Meeting room booking platform. Hotels will list their conference rooms on our website for clients to browse
- So, are you like a marketplace?
- No, this is a common mistake. Marketplaces often fail. And we won’t fail, cause we are a platform
- I’m sorry, but what is the difference?
- Like I said, marketplaces fail… and we won’t, cause it’s a platform, you see. Maybe even an ecosystem.
- How long have you been around?
- 2 years
- How many hotels do you have on your platform?
- Zero… ok, I mean we have one. One friendly hotel.
- Competition already exists in this market. How are you going to beat them?
- Meh… our team is simply the best, I love you guys!
And another one:
- What is your history?
- We launched a year ago with a crowdfunding campaign. We are now raising Series A to finish our product and ship it to our dear Kickstarter backers… I would like to take this moment and thank everyone who believed in us on Kickstarter — you guys rock!
[Muted applause]
[Voice from audience] — Dude, where’s the product? Six months I am waiting!
Founder looks bewildered, but only for a second:
- Looks like there are no more questions, thank you all and remember to vote for us!
And so it goes. Another one — a company seeking to “consumerise space” by selling videos shot from the orbit:
- We are currently raising a round for our stage 1 plan — to install satellites around Earth, Moon and Mars. Other planets come in stage 2, we will also branch out to other solar systems. Costs? We don’t really worry about those… costs will be so much less than we stand to make selling videos $40 apiece. Forty dollars per video, yeah! It’s premium content, you know.
You look around, but don’t really see any consumers dying to pay $40 for gifs of moon dust.
- Anyone looking to invest, please find me at the afterparty. Last chance, you know, we are closing the round soon.
You smell something, as if it’s rubber burning. Or maybe it’s just snake oil.

So many pitches… You pause to check the conference feed on Twitter. Lots of attendees using the official hashtag, mainly VCs:
“Thrilled to represent our firm and meet inspiring entrepreneurs at #Meetup”
“Couldn’t be more excited to be with @Frenemy1 and @Frenemy2 at this great conference, teamwork is dreamwork!”
“Taking a plunge into the creative energy here with @TechGuruWhoDoesntKnowTheyAreGettingMentioned”
“Stoked…”
“Blown away..”
“Absolutely pumped…” — the inflation continues.
At some point you wonder if these are actual people, or Twitter bots posting — on an infinite loop, only rotating conference hashtags to match the event.
Damn, so caught up in Twitter that you missed the results announcement. Now you will never know who was voted the most inspiring tech leader of the evening. You do, however, catch their last address:
-…any final words from our winner today?
- To all of you beautiful ladies, I am Tornado92 on Tinder… Swipe right for the win!
The afterparty… A time to network. You have always been on the introverted side of the force, so – alcohol to the rescue. Break the ice, make you feel at ease. Drinks are free, courtesy by sponsors — so, naturally, the bar is under siege.
For a moment, you contemplate snatching someone else’s beer when they’re not looking. What a lifehack that would be.
Ultimately, you decide against it and head to a bar next door, grab a beer there. No queue whatsoever. Granted, you have to pay… but you’re back in 2 minutes.
THAT was more than a lifehack. That was arbitrage — you have saved at least seven minutes of your time. Ten, maybe. You are pleased with yourself, as you stand in the doorway, enjoying the warm feeling of social superiority — you lean back, to better see the mad crowd at the bar, and…
…and then, suddenly your back is all wet. Feels like someone has spilt their beer all over you — which is exactly what happened.
You turn around, ready to talk back — only to notice that you actually know the guy looming over you with a half-empty glass. It’s ABC, the partner of DEF Ventures. He’s completely dry, and you are pretty sure it was him who bumped into you (and not vice versa), but hey — can’t talk back now… Need to play it cool. Need to make friends. Actually, this could be an opportunity…
- My name is XYZ of PQR Ventures — you introduce yourself — and let me just take this opportunity to say how much I admired you investment in…
You never finish:
- Look what you did. Just look. What. You did! — shouts ABC, waving his half-empty glass — You owe me a beer, dude. Go fetch! — he whistles.
There is nothing more to say. You’re pretty sure others have heard the exchange. You turn back, only to catch a glimpse of ABC pointing at you to his VC friends. They laugh.
Clenching your fists. You will show them, some day. You have a secret plan. Start your own fund… but how to raise money? Well, by becoming the first VC to do an Initial Coin Offering! Selling VC funds directly to retail investors is prohibited. But a token sale? Now, that’s a different pair of shoes… Your VCoin will allow everyone to participate in your very own ecosystem. Maybe the tokens will swap into ownership stakes in startups? Or, better yet, to new tokens issued by your portfolio companies? So many possibilities. You will figure this out once you have done the ICO.
Sipping another beer (drown, sorrows, drown!), you overhear a VC pitching to a founder. He is an associate with a competing firm to yours (basically — a bunch of losers). She has just come out of stealth, and is enjoying good traction with her start-up. The VC, somewhat tipsy, is all over her:
- Connections in the Valley, Facebook, Google — you name it. We can bring you in front of the big guys, no time.
- And what is your usual ticket size?
- Oh puh-lease… we write as much as we like. Our fund is $150m, so that’s a lot of tickets…
- OK, you know — everyone says they have the money… anything that makes you guys special?
- Yes, our approach. We are more than just investors, we genuinely help founders… Every step of the way. Whatever you need. Call me any time.
- That sounds… good? I guess?
- I’m glad you feel that way! Yes, we can help. I want to be a friend… Your good friend. I can be more than a friend, too… if you want me to?
His hand migrates towards her waist.
You turn away — part in disgust, and part in envy, of being so ballsy. This is deep hustle.
Half drunk, half sober. You reminisce. You reflect. This tech crowd — growing up believing they will all be founders of unicorn startups, will all sell out to Facebook or Google, and live happily ever. But will they? You look around and see cool-aid drinkers so high on the hype that they don’t see past the next funding round, if that ever happens. All dreaming about the silicon valhalla — the happy hunting grounds of being a respected retired successful entrepreneur, aka business angel. But of those, there can only be so many. You smirk — tech crowd, what a bunch of losers… And then you realise — you are actually not so far removed. Your own, personal valhalla — being the all-powerful VC superstar, mentor to founders — the archetypal wise man, with an iPhone in his pocket — all that, not so dissimilar from the silicon dreams that you so despise… You shake it off, and delve back into the collective unconscious. It is cosy there.
Evening’s over for you. No leads whatsoever, haven’t learned anything, and even managed to make an enemy. You can only hope that ABC forgets your name. That’s quite enough humiliation for one evening. Time to head home.
There are no escalators at Shoreditch High Street station, and also at Shadwell, where you change trains. For a moment, it annoys you, having to use the stairs — so uncivilised. But then, you realise who lives in those areas. Baristas. Shop assistants. Delivery guys… The manual labour crowd. And then you see clearly — things are exactly as they should be. Stairs are just alright, as these people should always keep their core skills sharp.
You try to check notifications, but phone battery gave up… Your reflection, half distorted, fills up the pale, dead LCD. Do you give it a like? Are you liking it? Are you?

