The Cardi B Method for being an Emotional Gangster at Work
little bitch, you can’t fuck with me
If you are like me, a living human in 2018, you’ve been listening to our lord and savior Cardi B on repeat since she blessed us with her confidence clapback anthom Bodak Yellow last summer.
This weekend she dropped her new album Privacy Invasion and IT IS FIRE. She also was the musical host of SNL (where she decided to bless us mortals with the knowledge that she is hella pregnant and we didn’t know, iconic)
SNL also spoke to my soul with a sketch that I am pretty sure they based on my super funny tweet last week:
Corporate culture is a hot bed of passive aggressive politicking which is often used to obfuscate intention and shift responsibility. As a junior employee it has taken me a good amount of time to see the true meaning behind the things that are said and even longer to understand how and when to defend myself. As I have been coming to terms with my own voice at work these days I have found special solace in the poetry of Belcalis Almanzar, aka Cardi B. I have compiled some of my favorite Cardi B meditations for your own use.
WARNING: I am super white, and thus I replace certain racial slurs with the word “playa” when I shout rap along with Cardi in my car. If Cardi can live censor out everything for the SNL audience, you white people can make this simple change too.
Situation 1: The Budget Bluff
Them: “I think it’s reasonable to fit this work in considering we’re coming in under budget on our other projects this quarter”
Always talking about y’all <playa> scam okay you scam
But your bank account got 0 dollars, so what’s the plan?
Boy you lying using hella filters this ain’t the gram — Sauce Boyz
Me: “Oh great! Then I’ll mark this all under your cost center since it doesn’t sound like you’ll have to request a budget extension.”
Situation 2: Unsolicited Career Advice
Them: “If you’re going to be successful you need to focus on building your pure technical skills, PMs are always struggling to prove their value”
Yeah people be like “you stupid bitch, stripping ain’t a real job!” So how the fuck we buy our weaves then? — Washpoppin
Me: “Considering as a PM I spend most of my time working at the executive level I believe that it’s likely just difficult for an individual contributor developer to see the context in which we work”
Situation 3: Too Many Cooks
Them: “It sounds like there have been a lot of decisions being made about next steps, and as it affects my area, even in a small way, I think it’s important that I be included in all steering committee meetings”
“If I see you and I don’t speak, that means I don’t fuck with you
I’m a boss, you a worker, bitch, I make bloody moves — Bodak Yellow
Me: “I respect that, but the steering committee is limited to the need to knows and decision makers, I will be sending weekly email updates that can be shared more widely to keep everyone in sync”
Situation 4: My Priorities Should be your Priorities
Them: “Ping! Bringing this back to the top of your inbox as I believe my first communication must have gotten buried:
Left his text on read / left his balls on blue/ put it in airplane mode so none of those calls come through — I Do
Me:
Situation 5: Fake Bitches Pretending They Didn’t Just Throw You Under the Bus
Them: “Super excited to get to work together again :) Taking some learnings from last time I think it’s important that our team has significant representation on the planning committee to avoid the need to escalate so late in the development process”
Can’t be starting all these problems if you cannot solve them/ Cardi backing down I swear to God that’s not an option/ If a bitch beef with me we gon beef foreva— Foreva
Me: “Yeah, it seemed unnecessary to involve the EVP when the rest of the teams had all agreed on how to move forward and yours was the only team unable to get your comments in on time. Don’t worry I explained the whole situation when I had to address the concerns at the senior leadership meeting.”
Situation 6: False Promise Rumors
Them: “Hi Kasey, we hear from the stakeholders that you are working on a replacement program set to deliver this quarter with a fix for the current on-boarding issues, when can we get a preview of the new solution?”
You heard she gon’ do what from who?
That’s not a reliable source, no — Motor Sport
Me: “I’m afraid there’s been considerable turnover of people working on this project and that’s not the most up to date status as of when I took over the project. I’ve attached the pitch deck, let me know if you have any questions”
Situation 7: Are you salty or just dumb?
Them: “Congratulations on the promotion! I heard they were trying to promote more women”
These bitches salty, they sodium, they jelly, petroleum
Always talkin’ in the background, don’t never come to the podium — Money Bag
Me: “I also heard they were trying to promote top performers”
Situation 8: Do not @ me
Them: “I don’t know if it’s a good idea for you to own this, you have so much going on already and I wouldn’t want this to fall through the cracks. I don’t know how you do so much outside of work, it must be hard to do everything without letting the quality of your work suffer”
Honestly, don’t give a fuck ‘bout who ain’t fond of me
Dropped two mixtapes in six months, what bitch working as hard as me?
I don’t bother with these hoes, don’t let these hoes bother me
They see pictures, they say, “Goals,” bitch, I’m who they tryna be — Bodak Yellow
Me: “I’m sorry, what? We decided I was going to own this last week and we’re already moving forward.”
