A love letter to My Mom

Today, May 13th, 2020 is my mom’s 100 days dead anniversary.

Dear Mom,

Today, May 13th, 2020, I should have been visiting the columbarium to pay my respect and celebrate your 100 days anniversary. I can’t believe it has been 100 days since you have left me and dad. It has been a horrible couple of months. I still can’t believe this has happened to you in a very short period of time. I feel a deep sadness and sorrow in my heart that you’re not here to share my life each day. You’re the only memory remains forever in my heart. Every single moment we spent together, I miss all of that, especially day by day living with you mom after 8 years living far away from home. I should have counted those days and been grateful for every single day I spent with you, if I knew that you are leaving me very soon after that.

After Mom died, I was trying to keep myself busy. This worked for a little while, but I am not sure for longer time because the pain is not going away. During this difficult time, I have many relatives and many good friends. They were offering me lots of smile and support. They spent their busy time to chat with me. They kept listening as I talk about you and how bad the pain was. But talking isn’t the only way to express my emotions. So, I prefer to write about this long grief as my personal note to remember you. However, the grief keeps on hitting me hard when I am alone in bed every night. I miss you mom so very much. Sometimes when I feel absolutely lonely and weak and too sensitive, the grief can make me do stupid or crazy things. I am starting to be badly emotional and easily moved to tears. I am feeling very sensitive to this pain. I can’t believe that I wrapped up all of that pain, loss and sadness onto this letter to you.

Even we have got some arguments and fights in the past, I only want you to know one thing. “I always love you forever.”

If you have some free time, maybe you can come into my dream and we can talk to each other again.

Thank you mom to give the best of you to me and dad.

I miss you very much.

Love,

Your son.

This is my feeling when I lose my mother. If you haven’t lost your mother, you won’t fully understand the depth of grief one goes through. The pain is crippling, and it hit you at random moments. One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you might be in inconceivable pain. My mom had been battling breast cancer for the past 6–8 months and then got partial stroke in January 2020. Ever since that day, my mom has been paralyzed but still had to undergo chemotherapy every two weeks. By the end of January 2020, my mom’s condition got worse and went into coma after the Chinese New Year 2020 (25th — 26th January 2020). By early February 2020, my mom’s condition got worse and worse. The doctor said that my mom might not be able to make it at any time soon. Finally, she passed away on February 3rd, 2020 at 21:48 WIB (Western Indonesia Time).

My mom’s passed away on February 3rd, 2020 I was not with her when she died. One hour prior to her passing, I was on the phone calling her to stay strong and alive. Right after she died, it kept me up all night and I was still unable to sleep until now. I have a great support system of friends, however, all I want is my mom to be back. I have never expected to go through this (I’m just 32 years old). I know it is not easy at any ages but I just thought I would have more time to be with her. At least now, I know that she isn’t in pain any more. I know my mom is in a better place, but it is still very hard to accept the fact that I will never see her on this earth again. My mom is the biggest part of my life. My mom is a wonderful woman. She is everything to me. We spoke everyday in person and on the phone. I’ve seen her everyday at home and now she is laying in the another place alone. Nothing felt pain like loosing my mom, someone that I really love deeply.

If you still have your mom besides you or if your parents are living in the nursing home, maybe having a chat with them can release their burden. If your parents are no longer with you, just like me, you can pray for them and remember them every single day. COVID19 is a giant reminder to all of us that money can buy you neither health nor happiness. Stay safe with your family, friends, and your loved ones.

Thank you for reading my article. Unlike me, hopefully you already found the answer of this very question and lived a very meaningful life.

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