Not to Old to Learn a lesson

“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”

Is that true? Does that apply to me and my lady friend? This is the question I pondered each and every day, since I grew more and more fond of her. Was she going to accept me, more than a friend or was I wasting my time on this lady friend. She never lied to me, she said it from the start lets just be friends and see where that goes. I figured lets ride this out and see where it goes.

“ Next time someone tells me something from the start, I’m going Believe them”

Do we ever benefit from learning about the flaws of a person we respect and thought we had a crush on? The discovery that someone we trusted, admired and would do anything for, has done something in your eyes wrong to you. It gave me the feeling of disappointment, disillusion, disdain and contemp.

Perhaps it was my ego, I was older than her and had suscess in life. I was close to retirement and she was close to mid life. She fed my ego too. Telling when all is said and done you have made your mark on life. Susefull career and raising two kids with your wife who has passed. Now is your time in life to enjoy and have fun. As I told her Suscess is no good unless you have someone to share it with. Yes I’m a widow and live alone for the first time in my life. But I figure I will ride this out and see where it goes. I was educated, had confidence in myself, many friends, relatives and I was born in America. She on the other hand was a Latino who’s parents were divorced raised by her grandmother and was sent to America to live with her mothers sister.

She was single and had never been married or had any children. Now at mid-life she was working and going to school to become a nurse. This is my last chance for I am getting old and need to be successful in life.”

Its hard to believe, but I have a couple of Male friends and I Don’t need a Boyfriend. Just treat me like one of your male friends and forget that I’m a women.

Ok, lets ride this out and see where it goes. Spring led to Summer and we laughed and went out almost every weekend. I discovered we had many things in common….Jazz music, books, movies etc. She shared some secrets of her life as I did of mine.

We were living the good life and she was becoming something special to me. During this time I told her that I was quite possiably falling quit hard for her and I had a crush on her. Its only natural, I’m a man and your quite attractive. Just ask one of your male friends if they would like to have sex with you, watch the fireworks start. No-no she replied my priority is school and I haven’t the time or interest in a relationship. Your still in transition, from grieving of your lost wife. We are just good friends and lets continue and see what happens down the road. I should have known, No means No but I accepted the fact that we were just friends. I thought maybe so, and we were having a blast going out. So I let it be, it beats being alone and lets see where it goes. I mean, if you’re a guy, you’d have to have some pretty damn good self-control to not notice some of your female friends’ … “assets” (Guilty).

Just before the fall semester she told me she was having financial difficulties and might have to drop out of school. Monetarily, in our friendship she brought nothing to the table. And now she was asking me to help. I liked her work ethic and respected her. She was struggling to make a better life for herself and I admired that in a person. Life wasn’t easy for her and I was blessed and couldn’t refuse. So I loaned her the money, no strings attached, just pay me back, whenever you can. I trust you, was all I said.

Just ask one of your Male friends if you could have sex with them, and watch the fireworks start.

Thru the following months there were holidays, birthdays and the New Year. We were like a couple and I told her again that I wanted to be more than just friends, the thought of loosing her was quite scarey but there I said it. No, no not again, Why cant we be just friends and keep it like that, You must decide!! We hashed it out for days and the days led into weeks but neither of us changed our minds. There is nothing I could say, that’s how I felt . I’m sorry I liked you more than you liked me was all I could say . But we stayed in touch by phone and texts. By this time I felt I had been bamboozeled. Was I being played on? I was perplexed and bewildered. My mind was all over the place. No sign of Love/Romance from her. My heart want’s what it can’t have.

That winter was a bone chilling, cold one, and as I left on my long anticipated cruise with family and friends to warm climate for two weeks. I text my lady friend, study hard, stay warm and I’ll see you when I get back. As I left for my dream vacation with my children and their families. On the third day of my Cruise in the middle of the carrabian sea, I received a text from her saying 
“I’m so very, very happy for you”. That was the last text, phone call, e mail or any correspondence I have had with her. When I returned home, I called and reached out to her to no avail. No reply back, Nada, nothing. She just drooped out of my life. At first I felt anger and rage. Forget her its her loss not mine etc., etc. Enough is enough, three times I reached out to her. Telling her I don’t even know if you received my calls or texts you have deleted my existince, ignoring me sends a powerfull message. It is what it is.

I have no regrets or should have kept my feelings to myself. I said what I felt and could not have gone on living in a fantasy life. I didn't hold any punches back. In time I will get over her, I like to say I’m a resilient person and have a thick skin. But as of this date, so many things remind me of her. Perhaps because I work where she goes to school and its inevitable that I might run into her, it is a small school. What would I say. It might be awkward at first but awkward I could get over with, it might even break the ice.

When we learn that an admired person, even one who is seemingly perfect, has behaved in less than admirable ways, we discover a complex truth: great ideas and great deeds come from imperfect people like ourselves. There is a Reason for Everything and I not to old to learn a lesson in life. You never stop learning. And I learned that from my Lady Friend.

And I wake to find my mind, filled

with things she said to me

Her words of kindness is on my mind

There’s no way, she will

see it my way. No, No, No, None can tell me

how I’m feeling for her.

No books can tell me how I feel.

“You Wont Forget Her”

“You Can’t Forget Her”