2 #Retirement

So let’s do this! As a bit of a backward move I am starting with my retirement. You join me in month eight of retirement and I want you to understand my mindframe when reading this. I am currently not an animal relying on the whims of my overactive hormones. I am a controlled, reflective, strong woman. Don’t panic, we will delve intimately into the times when I wasn’t at a later date. You just have to wait, you perverts. How did we get to this point of borderline nunhood? Turns out that you can have too much of a good thing.

Before retirement I enjoyed my fair share of the fruits of men with relish. A bushel if you will. When I recall these memories, on the cold lonely nights, there is the occasional twinge of the old cringe gland. Yet, I can comfortably say that I regret nothing from this period of my life. I am waiting for my friends to say, “umm, are you sure, what about the time…?” Keep it to yourselves guys. I am happy in my delusions.

Every person is different and I am the last person that should be giving advice. But I would recommend to anyone that they have at least one, one night stand in their life. It is great fun and exciting, if done in the right way. There are so many avenues in which to explore lust minus emotion. Someone you met that night in a bar. A colleague or friend that you have always been curious about. Tinder, other dating apps are available.

It is the ultimate act of feminism. Think about it. We are highly privileged in the time and place we live that we can have sex with whomever we want, whenever we want. Sex with someone that you don’t want a relationship with is not immoral. We should embrace the strengths of others and the fact is that some men are built for sex but they are less endowed when it comes to opening their mouths. I am not being sexist, I know the same is true of some women. My fear is that I fall into this category. I have heard a quote from someone, for the life of me I can’t remember who said it. Probs Marilyn Monroe, she said everything, apparently. You should never have sex with someone that you wouldn’t want to be. That seems far too limiting to me.

The other great thing about the time before retirement is the amount I learnt. About myself. About sex. About what I want in a partner. Also, it allowed me to have loads of different experiences and create some great memories. Which are now being immortalised here. Hold on, why have I retired again?

I seemed to get off topic there. I want to be clear that I have not taken a moral standpoint only a personal one. There is nothing judgey wudgey about retirement just an acknowledgement of myself. I had got to a point where it just wasn’t fun anymore. It took longer than it should have to realise this. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees. Anyone else just picture a penis forest? Rank!

I was sleeping with men out of boredom and simply because I could. I think it had also just become a bit of a habit. Not like an addiction habit, men are not like heroin. Having never taken heroin I can neither confirm or deny this statement. It is just easy to get caught up in it and as Doris always says “I’d rather be a slut than a cock tease.”.

As much as I have outlined the merits of being loose, if the benefits are no longer enough then you have to stop. Look out for the episode #The Final Straw to best demonstrate when the party was over. This was also the breaking point when I realised I was selling myself a bit short. The result being voluntary retirement until I should met someone worth shaving my legs for. As Michelle Pfeiffer so aptly put it “If it takes forever, then I will wait forever.”

When I entered retirement I think it is fair to say no one was expecting it to last this long. I don’t think I did. I have also enjoyed it more than expected. I am proud of my ability to keep my pants on. Also, I don’t miss it. I miss sex, that shit never gets old. But I do not miss the trips to the sex clinic, the mess, the hangover regret. Nor the got laid parade when you are counting down the minutes until you can brush your teeth and change your pants.

Retirement has not been without incident though. Doris left London for Wales to take the job of a lifetime. I am so very happy for her as she deserves it and she is so very happy. However, I am not going to lie it broke my heart to see her leave. One of our many nights out to celebrate her departure began at a very bizarre jazz night. We thought it would be some music in the background. What we actually experienced was intense and serious appreciation of the music. The man behind us was a suave gentleman in a hat. He closed his eyes for the performance to really feel the music and clicked his fingers to the beat. Not even kidding. #wasntexpectingthat

As a tonic we took ourselves to South Pacific to enjoy the greatest hits of the nineties. For those of you that haven’t been, this is the kind of establishment where going home alone is more of an achievement than picking someone up. Inevitably, I bagged myself a snog. Then at the end of the night Doris and I managed to get seperated and she went home with a grandad. So I went with my snog and his friends. I wanted to go home but they insisted that they couldn’t leave me on my own.

When we got back to their flat we went onto the roof terrace with some music and a beer. Fairly standard so far. But then the Ethel effect took hold. Snog started acting weird and his friend said “He just has a lot on his mind, he is getting married tomorrow.” They both then tried to pass this off as a joke. To this day I have no idea if this was a lie or not. Problem is I can truly believe it, as crappy as it is. I went home. This incident has firmly cemented me in my conviction to approach spinsterhood with enthusiasm. Doris on the other hand was not in retirement and grandad made her a great breakfast. A fish finger sandwich with a potato waffle layer. Incredible, I don’t think she ate again for days.

Will retirement ever end?

See you next week,

Ethel Chain

3 #Reg

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