5 #The Final Straw

The Entourage Effect began to wear off and I thought maybe it was time to go in search of something more meaningful. I am not ashamed to admit that I had a bit of a mid-life crisis. All my friends were becoming increasingly more settled in their relationships and fewer were still single. I panicked. I didn’t want to be left behind. The fear of dying a lonely spinster and being eaten by my cat seemed an increasingly likely scenario. Did I actually want a bf? Not particularly. But everyone else was doing it. Also, I was getting really bored. Couples tend to spend their weekends together, going to farmer’s markets and having brunch. That’s what happens isn’t it? I get so confused about what happens in a relationship. I wanted someone to hang out with. I am aware that using someone for boredom relief is less than ideal. Nor is it reasonable to enter a committed relationship just so you can do the cool things that you see in Timeout. Still this was my goal.

As with all conundrums I turned to the internet. I know that internet dating is a great resource. I know enough people that it has worked out for but I have never been keen. I am too much of a romantic and can’t see it as a plausible way to find what I want. Sure you can find someone that likes the same movies you do. Someone who has a pleasing face. Someone that on paper is great. Then you meet them and there is absolutely no chemistry. Then you just keep trying right. You plough away and go on date after date after date, until you find that allusive spark. Or you get so bored of the tedium of dating that you will just take anything to end the appalling cycle of small talk, texting and relationship status limbo. I will never understand why people like dating. No, it is not exciting. It is a pile of wanky spunk.

Flip reverse it though and I think about all the chaps in my life that I have been attracted to. The gold top men of my life. Would I have gone on a date with them in the first place over the internet? For various reasons probably not. Perusing profiles like an argos catalogue for cock, I would say no to people for the most shallow reasons. They are wearing flip-flops. Poor grammar in their message. I get an unappealing impression of them from one of their pictures. When Hazel was internet dating I told her that she couldn’t go on a date with one guy because in one of his pictures you could see all the makings of a snakebite. This could have been the one and only time in his life that he drank snakebite. There is no way this small detail could be a true representation of their compatibility and his personality. So then what do you do? Go on a date with everyone and play a numbers game? That takes a lot of commitment and not knowing what I want is a hindrance to this strategy.

I brushed these reservations under the carpet and cracked on. What is the worst that could happen? For the moment let us ignore all the weird and sleazy messages, I will be covering that in a couple of weeks. The focus of this episode is a man that we shall call Brian. Brian sent me a message and we got talking. He seemed perfectly fine so we met. Usual situation we met in a pub after work one day and had a few beers. I approached this date in the only way I know how. I got a little drunk and went home with him. I have no idea why. We didn’t have sex and it was nothing but hassle. Still got to get the most out of the old season ticket. Before I could start my usual routine of getting to work I had to get back to my flat first. My preference for the morning time involves staying in bed until the very last moment possible. I am not what anyone would ever describe as a morning person. It takes until at least 10 o’clock and my second cup of tea before I really get involved with the day. This experience was really not a piece of me.

A week or so later we celebrated Mildred’s birthday and as is the female prerogative we had a debrief. It was very hard to express how I felt about Brian. I had a good time but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. Everyone pressed me on my reasons but I couldn’t explain. There was nothing that I could say was wrong with him, I just wasn’t excited. The gang gave me the very good advice of how much can you really know about someone from one date? If it wasn’t awful then why not have a second date? He could bowl me over on the second date etc. What did I have to lose by just going on a date? All of this I know to be true. I am sure that this very same advice has tumbled out of my mouth more than once. However, I firmly believe you should always trust your gut. When it comes to what the heart wants it doesn’t make sense and there is no reasoning with it. Do you want some bread with that cheese?

Around a week later Edna came over on Friday night for dinner and a few drinks. As so often gets me into trouble, when she left I was not ready for bed. Brian and I had been texting all day so I suggested that we have a beer. He invited me over. Even when I know something to be a bad idea it rarely stops me. YOLO! I went over and we had a beer and an alright time. Then we had some truly God awful sex. I am not blaming him solely for this, it does indeed take two to tango. The morning came and I was completely one hundred percent sure now that I did not want to continue relations with this man. Obviously things did not end this easily. We had already made a date to see each other on Monday and my politeness inhibited my ability to cancel.

Monday came and my politeness continued to be my downfall. All day I reminded myself that it was just one night of my life. One night of my life that I will never get back. Not long into the date he dropped the first doozy. Genuine statement “You know what it’s like when you have been on so many dates you can’t remember what you have said to who?” Sorry, what? Firstly, I believe this should be whom. Secondly, even if this was true you don’t fucking say it. Also, you slept with me a couple of days ago so I would hope that would make me a little ahead of the others. This guy has got a shit load to learn about women. We like to feel special and unique, even if we are not. A normal person’s limit would have been hit with this one. I really am a sucker and stuck it out. The second nail in the coffin was during the discussion of what to do for dinner. “We could get something here, or go back to mine and get a takeaway?” Really?! You think I am still going to sleep with you tonight? But seriously though?!

The final nail and his grand finale, if you will. When we went to leave the pub he had gained the meaning of my various hints and said to me are you going to make a move home then? I said yeah I’m just going to get the bus. He pointed and said the bus stop is over there, turned and walked away. No bye not even a polite hug. After all my politeness he couldn’t even muster that much. Jeez. For a moment I stood there aghast wondering if this had really just happened. Then I couldn’t help but laugh. Genuinely brilliant. What a prick. Maybe someone else would have been offended but how can you be when clearly he is the one with the problem. Like I say always trust your gut.

After this retirement doesn’t seem like such a drastic action does it? I had a sudden realisation that I was just sleeping with people that were there with very little benefit to myself. I didn’t enjoy it, there was no prospect. It was then that I decided that I needed to become more discerning. Also I realised it would be pointless to get a bf just for the sake of it. I could end up with a prick like that if it is all I am in it for. I needed to decide what I want and then look for that. I would deactivate my account after this, in July, and did not reactivate it until, October when, I needed material for this blog.

See you next week,

Ethel Chain x

6 #Even After Retirement