Stop your overwhelm! — How’s that for pressure to add to your feelings of overwhelm?! 😉
Lots of projects to complete, lots of commitments to keep, lots of people to see — I get all that.
But “overwhelm” is a choice.
I can already hear your rebuttal:
I can’t say no to people.
Responsibilities keep piling on.
I’m a single dad.
We’re short staffed.
I totally get it.
I still think overwhelm is a choice.
I was leading a call a few weeks ago with professionals from around the country. One said: “This is what I signed up for and so I either have to be ok with the pressures and resulting overwhelm or I have to get out.” Others nodded in agreement.
I think he was wrong, but that’s the story he was telling himself and I wasn’t going to be able to convince him otherwise.
“Overwhelm” has become the new “busy.” People wear it as a badge of honor. The conversation used to be:
Question: How are you?
Answer: Busy. Work is crazy these days.
I used to do this too. I thought that my worth was valued by how busy I was. And, not just my external worth — I valued myself by this same standard.
If I was not busy, I was not doing my job.
I was wrong.
Now it’s stepped up (or down?) a notch and it’s “overwhelm.”
“Overwhelm” is busy with an added dose of anxiety and stress and a deficit of support and time.
People don’t even have to say “overwhelm,” but they wear it all over their faces and bodies.
Last week, I was at a conference in Boston, where I saw many colleagues I’ve known for over 20 years. Though conferences can be exhausting, many looked utterly spent by day 2!
They “needed” to be at the conference and yet their office kept calling them. Constituents — or in this case congregants — were having emergencies, their spouses were back home with the kids, and they had scheduled too many meetings between conference sessions.
In fact, I had a number of meetings arranged and people did not show — with apologies later that they got caught up in some other activity. They were in overwhelm. Often with a smile on their face hiding their own pain and shame, but in overwhelm none the less.
Perhaps it’s the hiding factor which has so many falling back into overwhelm.
“If I over-busy myself, over-stress myself, overwhelm myself, I don’t have to face my own feelings.”
When we go into overwhelm we avoid our own feelings. And, when we go into overwhelm we forfeit our integrity with others — missed meetings, broken agreements, toxic behavior.
I’ll say it again, overwhelm is a choice.
People choose overwhelm to avoid feelings.
These are our leaders.
These are our leaders?
People out of touch with their own feelings?
I keep asking myself and others: How can our leaders connect with us if they are shut off from their own feelings?
And yet, time and again I’m stunned and saddened by how many cannot access and do not want to access their own feelings.
Still, you might be reading this saying: I’m in a different situation and my life truly IS overwhelming.
Quick story:
Through all the hustle and bustle of the conference last week, I ran into my friend Adam. I haven’t seen him in decades, but we spent the first year of rabbinical school together in Jerusalem and he made a lasting impression on me. We stood for probably no more than 5 minutes in the midst of a central meeting place for the conference. It was loud. People were scurrying around. We were both undoubtedly on our way to somewhere. And, we had the most intimate, vulnerable, and meaningful conversation.
Both of us have plenty on our plates. Neither of us has had “easy” lives. And, because neither of us was choosing overwhelm, we could be fully present for each other.
Choosing not to be in overwhelm does not mean we have less to do or fewer responsibilities. Instead, it’s a state of being.
First, some quick tips:
1. Set a single priority for today. The one thing you can do that will leave you feeling accomplished. This is the hardest one for me. I often want to list half a dozen more priorities. But, there can only be one priority — one thing that will make everything in life easier, be most fulfilling, or be most supportive of my integrity.
Every day, I write at the top of my notepad: “The Priority,” followed by “Other Stuff.” The other stuff is listed in order of importance.
I often find that not only do I make it a good way down the page each day, I often have things on my “other” list that don’t really need to be completed. They’re on there for nostalgic reasons perhaps.
2. Breathe. I know this sounds simplistic, but imagine the opposite. You’ll never reprogram your body to choose against overwhelm if you stop breathing!
Breathing is how we experience our feelings. It’s why we hold our breath when we don’t want to experience pain, deep sadness, or fear. Breathing opens up the passages of feeling. And, when we feel our feelings, we don’t have to hide them with overwhelm. This simple practice — breathing — allows us to connect in meaningful ways with others.
3. Stop saying yes to everything and everybody. We’re not doing anyone a favor by spreading ourselves so thin. Build up your “no” muscle
4. Celebrate completion. I’m the worst at this. I finish a project and move quickly on to the next. It’s taken a lot of retraining to celebrate the moment and recognize even the smallest accomplishments along my path.
Once these four steps are in place, we might still feel overwhelmed. If so, it’s time to ask ourselves: What feelings am I avoiding? How is overwhelm serving me at this moment? What would my day look like if I chose not to be in overwhelm?
We still might need to do the same number of tasks for the day and keep the same commitments and have the same responsibilities. Yet, asking ourselves these simple questions can often reframe our state of being.
It’s the middle of December and this is prime time for overwhelm — it’s palpable at work and in the grocery store, on the roads and even at home.
But, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Pick a priority, breathe, say no, and celebrate completion
And, choose a path that is healthy, enriching and connecting.
You deserve to make this choice.
Your family, friends, staff, congregants need you to make this choice too.
No pressure.
