tedstein
4 min readOct 15, 2016

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> One of the reasons I do think it is fair to compare PHP with the frameworks I mentioned is that when I started as a PHP developer I did not use a framework

Because it is easy for newbies to embed a small amount of PHP into HTML, then we have to compare naked PHP to frameworks?

Please allow me to tell you a sad story of a bygone kingdom:

In one region of the world, PHP-istan, young warriors begin their training by wrestling each other, naked. They often do not train with weapons or armor until they have been wrestling for at least five years. When they do finally learn a weapon, they choose between the Elegant Laravel, the Mighty Symfony, and the Dreaded Drupal.

Some of the hopeful PHP warriors never progress to armor and weapons, and instead foolishly think they stand a chance going into battle naked and empty-handed. Those warriors almost never find employ, as kings see a naked warrior and realize that they probably lack important skills, and certainly lack important tools. Many of the warriors in PHP-istan, however, learn to use armor and weapons and become quite formidable. The smart kings in PHP-istan employ these warriors and have won many wars, expanding PHP-istan’s borders.

In another region of the world, Ruby-istan, young warriors are taught how to use weapons and armor long before they are allowed to engage in any sort of combat training, such as wrestling. They almost all use the same weapon: The Powerful Rail. It is an amazing weapon, and the Ruby Warriors are masters at wielding it. After many victories, Ruby-istan too had grown, and its borders were soon provocatively close to PHP-istan.

The inevitable battle between PHP-istan and Ruby-istan started one summer day. The armies lined up under a blistering sun.

The Ruby Warriors stood behind their one king, known only by his initials: DHH. A thousand Rails glistened in the sun. Each Ruby warrior, wearing matching polished armor, looked calm and confident in their knowledge of the Rail and its power.

The PHP Warriors, by contrast, were a motley bunch. For some reason, there were three kings. King Dries and his rowdy warriors stood on one hill drinking beers and slamming their Drupals loudly against their shields. King Otwell, with his legions of hipsters, calmly occupied another hill, and quietly focused on sharpening their Laravels before battle. On the third hill, King Sensio’s troops, protected by their business casual attire, were nearing the end of the multi-hour process of configuring their Symfonys for battle.

In addition to the three PHP kings, and their disciplined, trained, and well equipped armies, there were a few dozen of those naked PHP idiots who never completed their warrior training. They weren’t standing on a hill, or even looking for defensible positions, instead they were running around in the valleys, seemingly waiting to be slaughtered by arrows. If anyone cared enough to be bothered to do so, which they did not. Nobody understood why those naked idiots were even on the battlefield.

There was a spy on a mountain overlooking it all. She came just to observe, and find out which warriors were more powerful: the ones from PHP-istan, or the ones from Ruby-istan. Her kingdom, Arrogant-Programmer-Istan, needed to prepare to defend against these armies. After the battle, which was fought to a bloody standstill, the spy rode her horse back to her kingdom of Arrogant-Programmer-Istan to report to her king.

First she described the Warriors from Ruby-istan, and everyone in court agreed that they were mighty warriors, with their Powerful Rails.

She then described the PHP armies with their unique and effective weapons. Most people in the court seemed confused, and there was a long awkward silence. After a while, one person finally spoke up: “Is it fair to talk about those three PHP armies when comparing PHP to the Ruby Rail Warriors? I grew up in PHP-istan and I didn’t use weapons! All I did was wrestle naked. Therefore, we must compare the NAKED PHP WARRIORS to the RUBY WARRIORS WIELDING WEAPONS AND COVERED IN ARMOR!!!!”

Most of the Arrogant-Programmers in the room nodded in agreement. The rest were silent.

The spy was confused. She replied: “You can’t compare the Ruby Warriors, armed with their Powerful Rails, to the naked idiots. The naked PHP people were ignored by everyone, even the PHP armies! And those were some mighty PHP armies lined up on those hills. Let me tell you about their weapons: the Dreaded Drupal, Elegant Laravel, and Mighty Symfony.”

But the court had moved on and nobody wanted to listen, or talk, about PHP, except to mock PHP Warriors for always running around naked.

Everyone in the kingdom knows this story now: The story of how Arrogant-Programmer-Istan fell to PHP-istan. We underestimated their warriors, because we thought they must all be naked idiots.

@flrsj I am not calling you an arrogant programmer, I just found it to be the perfect jumping off point to a fairy tale that popped in my head. I very much hope that this didn’t come off sounding rude.

And I thank you for introducing me to, and correcting me on, ExpressJS and Meteor.

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