Was I using social media to avoid my own life? Once I wake up I check facebook, like statues, post things, and even watch snap chat stories all before 7 am. I could be doing so many other things with my time than sitting on social media. I told myself that if I delete all the apps I would be more productive. I deleted facebook first. Literally once I deleted facebook I added the app right back on my phone by the end of the day.
I obviously could not go cold turkey. I decided to just hide the social media apps on my phone. FAIL!!! That did not work at all. I made checking social media a ritual. It felt good to just check something off my to do list. “Oh I didn’t check social media let me do that” Done! Liking statuses, retweeting, or posting was like a little ritual I did to not just avoid life but to make me feel better. I was even using people as my “life avoiders”. I realized that the people around me made me feel like I was more accomplished. There is a saying that is if you are the smartest person in the room then you are in the wrong room, and I was in the wrong room. I was in the room called Comfort Zone and it was such a cozy room.
As if I couldn't find a bigger sign to change my ways. I was listening to Myleik Teele latest podcast on my commute. You can listen here: http://myleik.podomatic.com/entry/2016-03-24T04_10_39-07_00 . The podcast was a Q&A. One of the inquires was about a woman realizing she is using her friends drama to not deal with her own life and that she could even be suffering from depression. Thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Am I that woman? Am I using social media to not deal with my own life? Those questions I asked myself, made me think of other instances where I waste my time and not deal with life. I am one of those people that watch all of the trashy reality TV shows and I had to ponder why was I really watching these shows. Could I be watching these shows to see people doing worse than me? Was I using these these peoples misfortunes and dramas as a way of thinking I am better than these beautiful smart people that are being “ratchet”? Was I giving myself an out? To answer the questions myself yes I was doing all of these things. I told myself I am not as bad as these people so what's the big deal about wasting time watching them. I told myself that this was entertainment. Truthfully, I was drained just from watching these shows. Once I got home, I unfollowed every gossip blog. Not following the gossip blogs on social media allowed me to have more time to do more productive things. The next thing I needed to do was take a real inventory of my life and where I want to go. I realized I was faux living through people. I would see peoples accomplishments and be so happy for them that I felt like just cheering them on was enough for me. In my mind I was thinking well at least someone accomplished X,Y,Z. I don’t have to do it because someone else is doing it.
In the back of my mind the podcast of Myleik’s always rang in my head and I realized that I am not doing enough. But I needed to think why am I doing these things. What is making me not do enough. I know I am capable of doing more . I know I am can lots more with my time. I kept going back to the podcast but really digging deep into why. One reason was because I was scared. Something about not going forward and not going backward felt safe and comfortable. I wasn’t doing bad but I wasn’t really doing well either. I was in a weird wild wild west standoff with myself looking at nothing, doing nothing, being nothing. I was lazy and I had to start acknowledging that. Because as Dr. Phil says, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”. I was using social media as not just a way to avoid being productive but also as a way to escape anything that was overwhelming. Once I started actually dealing with what I was avoiding I stopped using social media as an escape.