Why Birthdays On Facebook Suck Like Hell

Jun 23, 2015 · 3 min read

When certain people acknowledge your existence, it can be gratifying — but if every single person you associate with remembers the day you exited your mother’s vagina — it can be hell (assuming hell sucks).

Let Me Explain

I’m on Facebook.
Zuckerberg’s social networking service has a knack for reminding me about specific information I would otherwise be too apathetic to note down — but should probably remember.

The other day, I sent a “Happy Earthday” message to a friend I consider quite dear.

His family have always welcomed me and his brother and I have the most retarded joke sessions when we get to hang — it’s classic.
The love for them both remains.

Next day.

Facebook reminds me — again.
It’s another “friend’s” birthday.

I send a message to that friend, we don’t talk everyday, but she’s always pleasant to be around and have always considered her a “good person” — I wished her a “Happy Earthday”.

Strange Times

Something happens when Facebook reminds me of a birthday.
If it’s someone I know in person, a human I’ve been physically close enough in proximity to camouflage a butt sniff (there’s a reason dogs do this — and there’s a reason why dogs are loyal) — I happily feel obliged to take up a little of my time and simply spread a little love to humans I wish in good health

The thing is.

One of the friends in which Facebook so kindly informed me it was their birthday, has over a thousand friends… and my other lovely counterpart has over 700 — so I kinda shuddered at the amount of birthday messages I imagined they were inundated with and I which was adding to, perhaps they felt the courtesy to reply to some… most (if not all) in order not to offend.


I hide my birthday on Facebook and have always done since I’ve been social networking — not because I’m ashamed of my age (I’m 29 when writing this) — or I’m covertly trying to finger fuck some minors — hell the fuck no!
It’s because I’m the kind of guy that gets a little annoyed when I sneeze a few times in short successions and someone else proceeds to throw a bunch of “Bless you” my way.

I’m not one to be ungrateful — I always try to show gratitude when warranted.

It’s just I don’t wanna have to keep saying “thank you” every fucking time some nasal action occurs — the same way I don’t want to have to say “thank you” a thousand different times to a thousand different fucking people every time it’s my birthday.

Don’t get me wrong.

It doesn’t anger me.

I always carry the notion — one should refrain from so-called negative emotions when another human simply seeks to be among their presence in good nature, it can be annoying, but it should be managed with the knowledge of being fortunate enough that people want to be around or even speak to you.

All I’m saying is, I’d rather not have to bother people into bothering me for the sake of being polite.

Civilized to death.


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