From taking to shots, to taking shots?
I have a secret to share. I have frequently been a sometimes squishy, anxious, sensitive monster. Okay, maybe that isnt much of a secret. Another secret? Photography has sometimes caused me enough anxiety to consider giving it up.
I almost stopped completely. What was the point of trying to be creative when you dont have much capacity for experiencing joy?
I was too preoccupied with just trying to look like I wasn’t falling apart all the time to take pictures. Hiding empty wine bottles in closets, getting out of bed, and pretending you are okay is a lot of work.
I have a lot going on and lately I feel more like a collection of disorders and conditions, but I am also incredibly lucky. This privilege translated into me believing I was due for a tidy conclusion to my often untidy story. A reward for dealing with dark experiences and darker behaviours. But, life is rarely tidy and my need for a grand conclusion was misjudged. My summer fell apart and I needed a shift in perspective.
The shift has come from how I see myself in queer spaces. The first time I went out sober was over a year ago. I was filled with fear. The disco lights illuminated painful memories, casting shadows of shame.
Now, I feel lucky to be snapping photos of the weird, creative, and beautiful misfits of the LGBTIQQ2SA community in some of the same spaces I have experienced as unsafe. Seeing the many magical and beautiful performers through my camera lens is changing how I see myself.
I am still anxious, squishy, and sensitive, but I feel less like a monster. My spiritual and theoretical lens is changing while my camera lens captures the beauty, resilience, and magic of the people around me. This summer wasn't what I expected, but it was what I needed.
