Skinny girl: “Wow, her butt is really bony. Ow, that hurts my knee. Do you sharpen your ass on a whetstone or something? This is a distracting nuisance.”

Average girl: “I am smaller than average for a male and cannot comfortably support her weight but I can’t say that ’cause then she’ll get offended. This is a distracting nuisance.”

Drunk girl: “Honey, I know tequila does this to you, but this impromptu lap-dancing stuff makes you look starved for attention and not at all sexy. This is a distracting nuisance.”

When I’m drunk: “B’awww, this is distracting and a nuisance but it’s cute. You’re cute. Everything is cute. Where are my cigs?”

The girl I like: “I wish she’d sit on my lap.” —

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