Mountains… Valleys, and the Abysss

Jeff (55Spyder)
Aug 27, 2017 · 6 min read

So some of you may know me by my actual name, and some of you may formally know me by my online moniker, but, if we are to be real, I’ve attempted my best to keep both of those as true to my actual attitude as much as possible. But, I also tried my best to not really bring up the topic of my mental state very often for good reason with any of you. I had been on a pretty steady decline into the depth of depression for the better part of the past 3 years now.

Everything started when I moved from my home town that I had lived roughly 19 years in to a town called Joseph City. Joseph City wasn’t that bad of a place if you don’t count in the fact that the place is a Mormon town and the lack of anyone there really being like minded with me. I tried my best to keep in contact with friends but I was left on read and am terrible at starting conversation so I drifted away from them quite quickly. I was on a rock…. and stuck there. This is when I really popped up on the radar for many of you on Twitch.

I ended up with a job at the local truck stop and worked my ass off there while attempting to 1) Save up money for something like a Gaming/Casting computer because Twitch had become an addiction for me. 2) Tried to occupy my mind and stay off of tobacco and nicotine because it was a terrible habit of mine at the time.

I worked myself to death in a sense there. I ended up working for a month and a half changing my sleeping schedule constantly due to working graveyard, morning, and evening shifts where I was at because I was the only employee hired in that time that worked any of those shifts. I lost my job there September 9th 2014 when I went to sleep for a graveyard shift and didn’t wake up until 4 hours through my shift… two times in a row. I had been suffering of some form of sleep deprivation and just never woke up for my alarms.

Any of you that truly know me, know that when I face a hardship or something that upsets me greatly, I go into this self contained ball of self hate and blame and I never really reach out because I feel like I just burden anyone with my issues. I always saw myself as the person to talk to, but not the person to actually reach out and talk because I’ve always considered myself a “strong” person mentally that could just think things out, coast, and be fine in the end.

But, as I’ve figured out, that doesn’t work. You can only recede into a self contained state so much until something snaps.

I bounced around for about 2 years between family homes as I tried in vain to get a job somewhere… anywhere. Until I gave up and during a trip with a friend to go to a TwitchCon, I made probably one of the most hasty and WORST timed decisions in my life. I decided to move to Louisiana.

Had an okay time there. Was with great friends, in a place that I found to be fun… but work was hard to come by for me. I ended up going to McDonalds on one of the busiest places in Baton Rogue and did okay there. But I was already so low and depressed due to one major thing. I had this job in December… I had just been through Thanksgiving with my friend’s family and despite the best intentions and wills of that family… I just had the worst feelings of homesickness. I then made the second worst timed decision in my life. I gave in to my wish, will, and want to talk to my family. My father at the time had been going through some things with his skin cancer, and my sister was just about to get married to her husband. Something snapped, but I didn’t realize it. The next two days were… a blur, wake up, go to work, go home, play games for a few hours go to sleep… I just didn’t feel there those days.

Dawn of the Final Day happened… I was working and I felt slightly on edge, but I was in a chatotic environment and couldn’t help but at least take solace in the fact that everything was stopping my from thinking about what I had shoved far back into the back of my head. Who knew that getting threatened to be written up for making an honest mistake would cause my to just say fuck this job. I was so emotionally unstable that day that… when I got home from work, I had to stop myself from committing something I hadn’t thought about in years. suicide.

It was a rude awakening to realize that I had hit that point. Christmas didn’t help that fact, neither did new years, and neither did my mother falling very ill with an unknown condition for about a week or so immediatly as the year starts. I made the decision that my time in Louisiana was up.

Packed everything I owned and brought in two boxes and my backpack and went on a greyhound bus home.

After some time with my parents again (in a place with internet so terrible it makes dial-up look good), I decided to try and live with my brother in law and sister again because nothing was taking me where they lived.

I was somewhat okay where I was for a time, I was able to go back to livestreaming for a bit, was able to play games with my friends again, and I felt like I’d actually strengthened some friendships I had with people. But I was still having an issue finding a job again.

I looked for everything, applied for everything, just wanted something.

August 11th rolls by. This day goes kindof weird for me, late in the evening my sister comes by and has me be a designated driver for her and my mother while they go out and drink for a friend’s birthday. After all of that happens, i end up taking my sister and niece home and leave my mom out drinking at the bar for a little while, but not before asking my sister to buy me a bit of beer. When my mother calls for a ride, I pick her up and she gets me some hard liqueur for my troubles. I go home… and get shit faced and play PUBG with OG and his friends. This is the first time since the Halloween after my birthday that I completely black out, the only 2 things I remember that night after getting into discord that night was revealing the worst of my mind to a very lovely Lady Hepatica and being a complete drunken idiot before leaving.

What I wake up to in the morning is… quite something. I wake up with what I believe to be a hangover. But then something hits me, my stomach wouldn’t be in true pain if I was just hungover. I look at my PC and see something that makes me realize that I had disregarded myself for too long.

I had written a suicide note. And actually attempted it.

There was a gigantic vomit puddle in my room that I assume is the only reason I was alive, because according to what I wrote, I tried to make it the least messy way possible I could think of at the time, so i tried to poison myself.

I spent the rest of that day trying to fully recover from what I had put into my system and prayed to the porcelain god a fair amount from when I woke up, to when I went to sleep.

I am currently living with my parents and asides from small snippets of me making comments on twitter or facebook, I’m pretty much taking a full disconnect from the internet because i need this. my mental health has suffered for way too long. I will be back some day to all of you amazing people and be back to my normal goofy asshole-ish self. But, until then, I love you all, and I will catch you all next time.

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    Jeff (55Spyder)

    Written by

    A generous gamer simply put.