Battling with self-esteem
A continous journey
Nothing’s ever good enough. There’s always something you want more or you want less. What exactly is satisfactory?
I’ve had many battles with my own self-esteem. I often put an optimistic front, hiding my own insecurities. Little do people know that there are many instances when i just want to hide — i was never suicidal or anything dangerous of that sort, but i struggled and i still do struggle.
High Metabolism — something i was blessed with as a kid; i stayed skinny no matter what or how much i ate. However, it may not neccessarily be a blessing after all as i took it for granted. I knew i was going to lose it one day, but i told myself “i shall live life happily by eating as much as i want while i still can” and so i did. You see, i was never pleased or happy with the idea of being skinny because i thought i looked funny and unhealthy. Every time someone tells me i’m skinny i get really, really upset. Many may think it is a compliment, but it wasnt for me. All i’ve ever wanted was a healthy body. I fell in the underweight range all my life till secondary school. I began to slowly put on weight and that made me really happy because well 1) my boobs grew bigger 2) at least i’m not skinny anymore.
At 15, i gained a miraculous 4 kg — something i’ve never thought was ever achievable. I had mixed feelings about my weight then; because i was no longer in the 40s range. Gaining weight was new to me, it felt weird, different and well, not as amazing as i wanted it to be. I didnt intend to put on weight btw, i just did. Till this day, i blamed it on my trip to Perth (you know, different diet so it influences weight gain?). But i came to terms with it, i looked meatier, healthier and i shall shamelessly say — had a pretty satisfactory body shape. Despite the weight gain, many still found me skinny which made me even more upset because i had friends who were skinnier!! You see, i didnt ask to be skinny, i just happen to be. It’d be different if you told someone who went on a diet and lost weight, that their skinny — because you’re acknowledging and recognising their efforts. I, on the other hand, was skinny by nature and hated being skinny so i took offense for being labeled as one.
At 18, was when i began to unconsciously gain even more weight and people noticed. They said i looked chubbier but i didnt believe because i couldnt see it. and i started to think, hey maybe my metabolism’s already dropping — which was a scary thought but i didnt take it seriously. My appetite grew with age and i guess, that’s what’s causing my gradual weight gain.
At 20, that was when the realisation came a little too late. One morning, i struggled putting on my jeans — and that was a clear sign, that i was definitely not skinny anymore. Okay jokes, i make it sound like i became overweight overnight. I still fit my jeans, just that, it’s tight now. Well, i’ve always found it hard to buy the right jeans because there’s never one that could fit me well — always tight on the thighs and lose on the waist. But that day, i really was wondering why my jeans were so tight on my legs. And i thought to myself, i must have gained more weight — which everyone couldnt stop telling me about. Funny thing is, people who only knew me at 20, had no comments about my weight and actually found me skinny because they’ve never seen how i was like in the past. But as for the 90% of people in my life — they just cant keep their mouth shut about it.
“oh you’re so chubby now”
“look at your legs”
“you’ve gained weight right?”
NO SHIT SHERLOCK. It’s not that i cant accept my weight gain, i can. but it’d be a lot easier to live with if people left me alone. You see, i still fall in a a healthy BMI range. What upsets me is the way in which people talk to me about my weight. I know, it’s new for them to see me meaty, it’s new to me as well. But it hurts my feelings so much, when they have to point it out and talk about it as if i weigh 100kg now. I myself, am struggling to love my body because i have such an unproportionate body. my upper body doesnt gain that much fats (i still dont have boobs) but all the fat goes down to the lower half of my body. I’m not one who does sports or exercise so my legs were never toned and thus why i believe i have such huge thighs and calves. i try to hide it because it makes me really insecure but one thing that’s hard to hide is my brand new chubby cheeks (which btw seem to bother so many people *rolls eyes*)
Okay but that’s not just it. did you think i only suffered with weigh gain? OH BOY ARE YOU IN FOR A TREAT.
I’ve never had to worry about the condition of my face because 1) i dont have sensitive skin 2) i only get them occasional pimples here and there. But it all hit rock bottom at 19 — when i went through one of the toughest break ups. And that break up turned into break outS (get it?). A boy broke my heart (booo), and i clearly didnt handle it well. there were other things that piled up to the emotional stress which resulted in the deterioration of my skin’s condition. getting pimples/acne or blemishes is normal to me, especially when i get my pimples. But i get highly insecure about it. Why? Because just like how people tell me off about my weight, they cant keep their mouth shut about one single pimple on my face either.
You see, when i get pimples, they are HIGHLY obvious — be it in pictures or in real life. I’m not sure why other people dont looks so bad with plenty of acne or how some people’s acne cant even be seen in pictures despite not editing them. I guess i’m just that unlucky soul huh. in secondary school, believe it or not, i was laughed at for having just one, yes ONE damn pimple.
“i’m laughing cause you look ugly” “eh you have a pimple”
And that happens till this day btw, there’s always one damn soul that will point it out every time i get a damn pimple. Little do people know how affected i get by their comments. they may find it amusing because oh i look ugly now. But no one bothered thinking about how i would feel. In the past, my pimples come and go and dont leave acne scars or dark spots.
At 20, i started to experience hyperpigmentation. i felt really ugly and really upset that my skin started acting up, and not recuperating as well as it used to. At 21, which is now, it all went downhill. I moved to a different country — a more dry one, and so my skin acted up really bad. i began to develop bad acne and breakouts, and my hyperpigmentation became much worse. this resulted me to researching and investing on appropriate skincare (which i should have done a lot sooner). One should not wait for when your skin is troubled for you to adopt a skincare regime, you should do so as early as you can to take care of your skin to enjoy long-term effects. As for me, i shall face the consequences of taking my usually okay skin for granted. many dont know (Expect my best friend cause she went through the same thing with her skin and has been giving me heaps of skincare tips and moral supprt) but i am highly insecure about the condition of my face. i’m glad that people don’t point it out too much but wow, recently my brother just couldnt keep his mouth shut about it. He struggled with acne for really long and i’m happy to see that his face is all clear of it now! But boy does he need to shut up about it and leave me and my skin alone. Little did he know how far i’ve come :”)
SO when you face problems — do you avoid or attack? YOU ATTACK!
- I dont go on diets, but i watch over my diet. i make sure not to over eat but i still pretty much eat whatever i want
- I cut down on supper
- Drink lots of water
- I also try to run every now and then but it’s not for the purpose of losing weight, it’s to stay healthy and to make me smarter hehe
- Adopted a skincare regime
- Drink LOTS of water
- Any improvements? YES. I’m not breaking out as much, my acne is controlled
- Current struggle: BAD hyperpigmentation from acne scars
- Current regime (to tackle acne issues): AM — Innisfree green tea cleansing foam, Laneige toner, Body Shop Tea Tree oil Anti-imperfection Daily Solution (serum), Simple anti-blemish moisturiser, Innisfree UV protection cream triple care SPF50. PM — Innisfree Bija Trouble Cleansing gel (make up remover), Laneige toner, Body Shop Tea Tree oil Anti-imperfection Daily Solution (serum), Body Shop Tea Tree Night cream (moisturiser), AC Clean Up pink powder spot (acne cream)
- Masks: Innisfree/Etude house sheet masks, Innisfree jeju volcanic pore clay mask
- New buys to try: Innisfree Bija trouble facial foam and toner, Innisfree colour clay masks in green and white!
- Once my acne clears completely, i’ll invest in The Ordinary hyperpigmentation regime!
To sum it all up, i’ve been on a daily battle with self-esteem because i’ve been feeling ugly. I used to look better and feel better and i’m working my way to that. When i say “look better” — i don’t mean going back to being skinny, i’ve never liked being skinny. But i do intend to look after my body to sustain a healthy weight range and outlook. At the end of the day, i exercise and look after my diet for health and mental benefits, not to look skinny. Regarding my skin, i’ve been taking good care of it and i’m happy to say that i’m achieving results. I’m excited to continue on this journey of self-care and i hope, i’ll get back to where i was — happy and content.
May we all gain the self-esteem we deserve to have.