Story of a Night I Despise Yet Cherish

Tehreem Hassan
Sep 5, 2018 · 3 min read

It wasn’t a starry night, but you had helped me imagine stars on the clear sky. Your hands occasionally touched my eyes and I stayed up all night to cherish those briefs moments again and again. Don’t mistake it as some cheerful or happy night, it wasn’t. It was the saddest night of my life. It was a lonely night too. Wait for it, I will come to that later.

You were not my beloved, you never were. It was just that I had found solace in your company. I am very well aware that solace is an illusion, but I had no other option that night. I was too grief stricken to curl up in the arms of darkness. It wasn’t the first time that I had held hands of illusion, but this time my heart had fooled me enough that I forgot that the walls around me will disappear into nothingness in no time.

I was ready to shed every shell of mine that night. I was ready to unbox myself. I was ready to let you destroy me. I wanted to be destroyed, ruined, killed. There wasn’t any moon on the sky to drive me insane yet I had reached the height of madness that night. For one tiny moment of warmth, I was ready to let go of everything that I had held dear to me since forever.

I had already started to accept the meaninglessness of existence, but that night I wanted to derive meanings out of this existence, no matter how shallow or full of lies. Your presence assured me that we will find meanings together at least for that one night. I could feel your heartbeat inside my hand when I put it on your chest. Please, don’t forget that you weren’t my beloved, not even on that night.

Let me share a secret too. You wanted to look into my eyes that night, but it was so dark that it wasn’t possible. I told you that I feel bad about this too, but deep down I was so happy that you can’t see me. I didn’t want the light to intervene in this illusion of ours and more than that I had a fear that you will run away the moment you glance over the ugliness that my body exhibits. I know there’s a contradiction in my narrative, but I think life is too complex to not have contradictions. This reminds me of that old debate on microscopic identities that often keeps me entangled in unnecessary feuds with others and myself.

I think you too feared nakedness to some extent, I was not sure but I had sensed that vaguely. You weren’t my beloved but I wanted to believe it that night. Your reluctance disgusted me but I pretended to be your lover and tried to embrace everything that you were able to offer me. Your reluctance had already cleared up the space for loneliness between us. It tried to push us way but I kept trying to cover every distance again and again. I was not ready to give up, but god’s timings tricked us this time.

Di muezzin ne shab-e-wasl azaa’n pichlay pehr

Hayee kambakht ko kis waqt khuda yaad aya

(Daagh)

Tehreem Hassan

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