Get The Poison Out

Why does everything suck? Are we all just incapable of being responsible human beings? Maybe we’re all just so tired of seeing and hearing the same awful bile day in and day out.

I had all this poison churning inside me like hot magma. Piles of anger and frustration that formed a cavalcade and marched through my guts.

I was processing all this malevolence while driving when Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name Of” came on Spotify.

How fitting. With all the vile destruction that’s swarming the world right now, this song is unfortunately appropriate.

I turned it up. I let my anger seeth. I felt all that hatred swell up in my knuckles. I wanted to punch someone. I wanted to punch every person that fit the description I listed above. I really wanted to punch Donald Trump right in his stupid face, preferably on live television.

I knew that hitting someone wasn’t going to make me feel any better. I knew It would make me feel worse. I would have become the thing that I hate. I would have become the poster child for ‘White Male Rage’, something I pray I never give in to.

But, here was all this poison inside of me, ready to lash out violently. I didn’t know what to do with it. I’d been burying it for so long, it was now overflowing.

As the song ended, “Where is My Mind” by The Pixies began to play.

As that opening line burst through my speakers, I looked up from sitting at the stoplight to see this:

Look at that big, veiny, triumphant bastard. I know you’re still reading this, and I appreciate that, but scroll back up and look it. Open it in a new tab. Zoom in on it.

Look at that fucking mountain.

Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

I saw that and thought “I’m an asshole.”

Ok, I think that a lot actually, usually because it’s true, but seeing that mountain made me realize something. All the shit that’s flying around me, it’s awful, but it’s going to pass. It won’t pass because I got up, waved my hands and yelled about it, it will pass because life goes on. That mountain has been there for eons. It’s seen everything.

People have fought and died on it and it wasn’t fazed. Tornados happened below it and it just stood there. People have cursed it and tried to cut through it because it was in their way and it just let them try.

That mountain isn’t going anywhere. It erupted from the earth so long ago, no one could document it. It fought its way into existence. Trees have grown on it and snow has fallen and melted on it, both giving way to scarring over time. There’s lines and craters all over it’s face, it’s spine is rugged and splintered. That mountain has been through a hell of a lot of growing pains.

All my anger suddenly felt so insignificant. The world really is a hellscape right now, that hasn’t changed, but my outlook towards it has. Just like that mountain, things will scar me. I’ll see a lot more atrocity before my time is up. I can choose to let it take over, or I can endure it.

We were made to endure pain. Either by intelligent design or evolution, it doesn’t matter. Pain has been apart of us since the beginning of time. We’re all masochist too. We know something is going to hurt us and we big fat do it anyway. Worst of all, we do it to each other.

The things I listed that I hate wasn’t just a list of things I merely disliked. Hate was the appropriate word. Hatred is what made me feel that way and hatred is what causes so many problems.

Hatred is just a spicy word for all consuming selfishness.

I only hate all those things because I’m selfish. I hate the hatred because the hatred is selfish. In essence I’m a paradox. I’m selfish about other people’s selfishness.

What the hell?

You can see why I felt the need to write this out. This was the poison I needed to get out.

I could’ve just went for a run, firing up some dopamine and letting the endorphins flow, swearing incoherently until I got so tired that the only thing that mattered was catching my breath and not collapsing.

That… doesn’t always work. It feels good, sure, that is until the adrenaline wears off. Then it starts sloshing around again. Before you know it, you’re right back where you started.

Full of poison.

If someone tells you that they’re Zen*, they’re actually just telling you that they’re full of shit. Pure Zen isn’t being peaceful all the time. It’s intense meditation through the continuous battle over the hatred that churns inside us. No Zen Master ever feels completely at peace. It’s impossible. There will always be unrest, it just depends on how we deal with it.

I’m sure all this makes me sound like a rage monster. I’m not. Sometimes life is just overwhelming.

This overly long, self-aggrandizing post has merely been an exercise for me. I don’t really care if you read it all the way to this point. I needed to write this all down. If I combed back over it right now, I’m sure a lot of it wouldn’t connect or even make sense.

But it doesn’t matter. What matters is slowly letting that hatred go. Becoming selfless. Doing what’s right rather than just getting angry about it.

Be the change around you sounds silly. It’s over used and is usually typed over a sunset photo on Instagram. However, it’s asinine to dismiss it. If you don’t like how people are treated, start treating people around you better.

• Sharing an article on Facebook isn’t going to change someone’s mind. Silently being nice to them will.
• Instead of spreading fear mongering and Islamophobia, practice loving someone who isn’t your clone.
• Don’t take a selfie. Take a flattering photo of someone else and post why you care about them.
• Understand white privilege, and if you are a white male, use that privilege to influence people and make a positive change.
• Don’t just say “fuck it” and turn on Netflix. Say “fuck it” and let the person behind you in line with all the kids go ahead of you.
• Answer your texts. Or Tweets. Or emails. Or any other form of digital or analogue communication.
• Don’t be a dick.

This doesn’t just get the poison out, it fucking kills it.