Being A Dawg On Diwali.

In the episode “The Girl With Two Breasts” from the show Coupling, Jeff, who is inept when it comes to talking to woman, strikes up a conversation with a woman who can’t speak anything but Hebrew. For most parts, it’s about Jeff talking to her about breasts and being neurotic. It could be easily dismissed as one of those comedic episodes in which an anxious guy strikes up a chat with an attractive girl and fails at every step as the conversation progresses. What makes this episode distinct is that it then shows the same conversation, but from the woman’s point of view. “The Girl With Two Breasts” basically makes a point about miscommunication when two people find each other attractive but the language comes between them.

Anyway, if you have read the title of this post and you are thinking that it has something to do with me trying to flirt with a girl on Diwali, you are wrong. It’s a classic case of misguidance at the highest level of annoyance. (I don’t know what it means either, it just sounds cool.)

Why I described the plot of the Coupling episode is because I’m imagining what the three dogs said outside my house said when a kid burned a cracker near where they were standing.

Muthafucka, you couldn’t just say, “Oh, hey look, I think that’s what dogs think when you burn crackers near them”!

I could but it wouldn’t be interesting then, would it?

I just spent five fuckin’ minutes reading about an episode of a sitcom I hadn’t even heard of. I’m already under pressure to start watching that dumb show about six friends who have nothing better to do but star in memes and make 20 year olds nostalgic about that moronic song.

Yeah, I sincerely apologise for that.

It’s okay. Don’t ever do that again. Now continue…

So, before I was interrupted by my inner writer’s alter ego, I was saying that I saw a kid burning a cracker near three dogs, who were just standing there, pooping at a pile of cement, like they usually do. The loud explosion from that cracker should have made them bark at the highest level or scared them away, but nothing happened. Which made me think, “What are these dogs thinking?”

Here it goes:

Brown Dog: Yo, did this kid just burn a cracker near us?

Black Dog: Dat kid got balls yo.

White Dog: Of course, he has balls. He is a boy, for God’s sakes.

Black Dog: What they thinking, burnin’ crackers here and there like OG? Come any other night and dis punk can’t even see me eye to eye!

White Dog: I know, right? You know what, the other day, I was eating off that guy’s plate in the market, this teenager comes and calls me Moti. Do I look like a Moti?

Brown Dog: That’s nothing bro. The other day, I was called Choco. Do you know how much it hurts when someone calls you Choco knowing that you can’t eat chocolate? That’s animal cruelty, yo.

Black Dog: At least you guys didn’t suffer racism the way I did. I been called Kaalia, Pencil, Black Label, Koyla, and someone even called me Snoop.

White Dog: I don’t like these humans. Sometimes they kick us, sometimes they forcefully take us and put us in a place and then some girl comes, cuddles us and puts a collar. That itches like Brownie’s butt after every time he poops.

Brown Dog: And then they will run something called a PETA campaign, in which they are against animal cruelty. Man, I love that Chicken Nugget that comes in a red bucket. That’s paw licking good bro!

Black Dog: Let’s find some quiet place before another punk comes here and burns a cracker and his hand off. Dem crazy, I say.


Muthafucka’, that’s the thing you wanted to say? Imagining dogs saying shit? And what’s with the white, brown and black dog? Is that a metaphor for USA’s Presidential Election? No wonder you’re lonely.

Just celebrate Diwali, you prick.

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