No, Zuckerberg, my friends will not miss me.

So I deactivated my Facebook account no more than a minute ago. I know a lot of people have done this before, but I think I’m going to indulge on a slightly different topic than most of them.

Just to get the cliché out of the way, psychological problems and time wasting. Also, watching the thousandth rendition of the comedy skit where the girlfriend does not know where she wants to go to eat, made by some random dude trying to get YouTube famous, then ripped off by SoFlo, shared by a friend’s friend, my friend liked the shared video, ending up on my news feed, even though my friend did not share it. Let’s get back on track though.

Facebook thinks they have a monopoly on our friendships.

One tactic Facebook employs to keep you from ditching them is showing you your top 5 or 6 friends above the form you complete. My brother, who I rarely talk to. The very good friend who used standard invitation evasion tactics to not invite me to his birthday party. Another very good friend. Some guy from school who asked me about school stuff a couple times.

But then, I saw the one person I love most in the world. Our relationship can be very accurately described by this song. The girl who managed to convince me that I am not worthless, forced me out of my shell and taught me how to grab life by the balls and twist them.

And Facebook thinks she’ll miss me because I deleted (or more accurately, deactivated, sadly) my account. OH, THE AUDACITY THEY HAVE.

By now, you have probably guessed that I am furious. Zuckerberg and his little gang are trying to guilt trip me, yet failing miserably. Trying is all they had to do to make me mad.

From calling her, to texting her, using the Instagram DMs (owned by Facebook, how ironic, but I don’t feel bad about unfollowing annoying people there), going to her house that’s 2 minutes away on foot or even waiting at the metro station she gets off at to go to a place on specific days, you can bet I have other ways of fucking contacting her. You can also bet I will fucking contact her.

(I just realized that I sound stalky. One, it’s sort of mutual, two, we’re just friends and I like it that way and you’ll just have to take my word for it, random internet person.)

Whatever this “they will miss you” thing is, I think it also falls into the uncanny valley. It amounts to Facebook being incredibly faceless, emotionless and corporate-like, then suddenly being friendly to the point where you’re disgusted. It’s like one of those realistic Japanese robots, as mentioned in the video, looking like the devil’s creations while trying to be cute and human. Just back off before I try to call an exorcist.

Here’s to wishing I’ll find either a way to permanently delete my account or the strength to not go back. *Drinks virtual Whiskey shot.*
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