A small dose of my experience

I’ve been attempting to write here for some time, and by “attempting to” I mean occasionally coming to this “New Story” page and maybe writing a paragraph at most and then getting caught up in something else and moving on. I probably still have a few drafts sitting out there, but I’m starting new.

I keep a journal, sort of. By that I mean I try to carry a journal with me daily, and a nice Uni-ball VISION ELITE pen, which is my favorite even though the ink doesn’t dry fast enough and I smudge the words because I’m an evil lefty. Lately my entries have been about a person who has some into my life who I can’t seem to get out of my head. And that’s what I’ll write about here:

I met this person at the very end of last year through a dating app. She was late to the first date, but we had talked a lot prior to that and I was already really liking her. She looked mostly like I expected and we walked up to the restaurant we agreed on and asked about a table. The restaurant was full and the wait would be 30+ mins, so we opted for the pizza place across the street instead.

Once we sat down and got through the usual “hellos” and awkwardness the conversation opened, and truthfulness and honesty came out very quickly. She talked about her divorce within the last year, and her start back into dating, and the good and bad experiences associated with that. I discussed my amicable separation with my wife just a few months before and the transformation my life had undertaken in the last few years. My struggle with honesty and how I was doing my best to get out of my comfort zone. It felt good, comfortable even.

She had mentioned a fire party a little later in the evening that she invited me to. I said I wasn’t sure, it seemed pretty far outside my comfort zone, but I was willing to stroll over and check out how it was looking. We talked more on the way, and the party hadn’t really started, so we went in and got some drinks while we waiting for things to kick off. We talked the whole time, about anything and everything: the internet, memes, video games, board games, family, politics — and it all felt good. We didn’t agree on everything, but we could have a conversation about it.

The music picked up and we started to dance, I was feeling drunk so I was letting loose. She gave me a knitted bracelet that she made that I still wear today. We danced together (I don’t really dance) and we kissed. We did more than kiss, we made out in front of everyone there, right up front next to the DJ booth. It was a brand new experience, one that I hope will live in my soul forever.

She moved us to the back of the show and we hung out some more, went to the bar next door to watch some fire acts and then I asked her if she wanted to come back to my house with me, to which she was amicable.

I say all of this to get to the point. I learned soon after, or maybe I learned that night, I don’t know, as we continued to talk that she considered herself a somewhat new proponent of polyamory. At the time, it wasn’t serious and I still wanted to date around, so no big deal. But as the months passed, and we become more serious I find myself dreading that distinction. I’ve tried to find others to be able to participate in this lifestyle to see if it’s for me, but I can’t seem to really devote the attention or care on those dates that I can for this other person.

She hasn’t really been dating for a few months, and I got a little hopeful that maybe we could just try monogamy, but when we discussed it she made it clear that she was just taking a break and wasn’t interested in changing her distinction, which I respect. Now I wait, and I dread the moment that it will be called into action, and I have a choice — do I support this other person who I say to myself that I love, or do I try to preempt my own heartache, my own suffering and make the choice to move on. I haven’t ever felt for someone like I feel for this woman, and it makes it so incredibly difficult because for so long I was so guarded over my feelings.

I don’t really know what else to say, I’ve kind of opened back up to try and find someone else to try the poly experience with, to see if maybe I have someone else if maybe it will soften the blow when she decides to go back to it, but it feels disingenuous. I need to try, I need to do it for myself and my journey, and I need to do it for love.

I should note that there are many more elements to this story than shared here that make things more complicated — but I wanted to capture and share the essence of my personal struggle. Perhaps more will come out over time, but please reserve judgment of anyone or anything mentioned here. Thank you for reading.

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