Here’s to honesty
Honesty is different than truth, and it’s hard. As I see it, truth is simply the act of relaying true facts, however you can still be truthful and not be honest.
I sent an email yesterday that detailed a lot of things. It reestablished for someone I care about why I am the way I am sometimes, it communicated what it is about this person that I appreciate, and it communicated that I love them. I sat and thought about it for a while before I sent it, and then immediately after clicking “SEND,” I had feelings of panic.
For a while I thought about texting and asking this person to delete the email, but upon reflection I realized that nothing in the email wasn’t true. I felt like I was just trying to throw my armor back on, to try and not be vulnerable anymore, to not be honest. Honesty is tough for me, I want people to like me — I want EVERYONE to like me. Because of that I find myself constantly fighting the urge to lie, or stretch the truth, or adopt opinions I don’t believe for the sake of keeping things stable, and keeping people on my side. It can get exhausting. I don’t want to go back to that, I want authenticity.
I don’t know if the email has been read yet, I said at the end that I don’t need a response, I just want this person to know how I feel because it’s important for me to be able to relay that. I’m getting more and more comfortable with being ok with that.