Merry, Happy Everything — I Am Changed

My friend Evan once asked me how I was doing. I said “great.” He said “yeah, but you start at ‘good.’” That’s probably true.

If you don’t know me, one thing you should know is that people have made fun of me since childhood for my enthusiasm. Now in adulthood, they call it hyperbole. It is common for me to be out at dinner expressing “this is the best [insert noun] I’ve ever had.” People may say I say that about everything, but I have always argued that this is theoretically always possible since that [insert noun] could get better and better over the course of life.

Don’t misunderstand. I get irritated. Actually, I don’t really get “irritated.” I get PISSED. So things are a little binary, but most of the time I’ve been pretty grateful for all of the gifts: friends, energy, enough money, warm home, amusing family, random dogs in the park, ice cream, red morning light on mountains, etc.

A few weeks ago I had some seizures (more on that here), and I ended up in the ICU, and then I got to go home, and now I’m doing normal life — working, traveling, exercising (at about 75% but who’s keeping score? Oh. Right. I am.). My short-term memory has mainly sucked, but in the last week, I think I did some of the most effective work I’ve ever done.

I realized today that I am different. I’m not sure I wholly appreciate the extent of the changes yet. I am not sure I know whether to ascribe these changes to this recent experience, my new medications, the holidays. I simply know that I am changed.

If you’ve worried, know that I am FINE. But also know that things don’t feel “normal” the way they felt four weeks ago. Anti-seizure meds make you feel a little hazy (note: if there were a perfect antonym for “hyperbole,” it would go here). I’ve wept in most restaurants in Boulder and, today, at Denver Airport. I aggressively wiped some tears away on this morning’s flight, worried that the flight attendant would kick my sappy ass out of the exit row if I didn’t shape up.

My neurologist says that I’ll get back to myself within two to four weeks. Memory, sharp tongue, occasional wit, and force of personality. That feels like a massive relief, and I also want to pay attention to the changes I think are permanent.

I have very few memories of the hospital. I said little. I slept a ton. But one thing I remember is a long talk I had in my head or my dreams about appreciation. I remember the awareness that I have mostly lived life to the edge, with an extreme (or, as mentioned above, exaggerated) sense of gratitude. But I realized in that bed that I’ve missed opportunities to take full advantage. Even me. I’ve given too much space to my imposter syndrome. I’ve taken work I didn’t really want for the money. I’ve stepped down to other people whom I regarded as smarter, more powerful, or cooler than I. I’ve delayed pleasures that were right in front of me because they were too expensive, time-consuming, inappropriate. I’ve skipped trips to see my brother and his family (and some others) because those trips took time.

I sat in that bed in semi-consciousness, and I thought of all the people I don’t see very often that I miss like crazy. And I realized that I could see them more. That all of it was completely in my control — or at least far more in my control than I had owned.

Don’t get me wrong. As I mentioned, I am one who savors, appreciates, seizes, and adores. I never had a “bucket list” because I imagined my lifestyle rendered such a list superfluous. And still, I had these gaps.

Now that I’ve seen these misses, I cannot let the awareness go. Or more accurately, I don’t want to.

So here’s my plan for this new year. In the past, I’ve wondered about what I want my life to look like in ten years. But this week, I’m going to focus on what I want my life to look like in January and, also, in two years, after my California-based boyfriend’s son graduates from high school. By the end of this year, I’m going to chart clear, measurable action steps to address both time horizons.

I don’t want to be trite. I don’t want to close with some push for you to live life on a shorter time horizon. Live life exactly as you wish to. But I do want to share this glimpse I got, if only to allow you to know me better.

I also want to let you know that lately, I’ve been walking around the streets, airports and other random places with a level of gratitude that is nearly impossible to contain. For whatever reason, this lately looks like a half-smile coming through tears. Know that I’m fine. I’m perfect. I feel lucky. And I’m changed.