Let’s Talk About Delayed Grief
When everyone starts moving on, you start falling apart.
Caveat: This piece is written from my personal experience with delayed grief, I am not a certified mental health professional.
Grief is a normal reaction to loss. When you experience a loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one or something else that causes you to grieve, it’s important to know how to handle your grief healthily.
I watched an interview with a popular Nigerian actor a few days ago where he spoke about how his delayed grief cost him his marriage and in that moment, I realized that I was not crazy after all and what I feel is valid.
But first, what is Delayed Grief?
Grief is the way we process loss, and it takes time. Sometimes, though, grief can get stuck and we don’t move through the stages of mourning as quickly or clearly as we should. This can cause us to feel stuck in one stage of the grieving process for too long — or even unable to move forward with our lives. When this happens, it’s called delayed grief.
Delayed grief is different from other types of grief because it occurs when someone experiences a loss but doesn’t allow themselves to grieve at the time of the event or over time. Instead, they put off grieving until later on in life — sometimes years later — when the memory of their loved one comes back up again and triggers their feelings about what happened.
The painful thing about delayed grief is that you may not even understand why you are suddenly feeling so upset about something that happened long ago. Then comes the guilt. You start to feel guilty for suddenly having these strong emotions now when you never did before.
One main difference between delayed and immediate grief is that delayed grief is often more intense than immediate grief and it can be an overwhelming experience because you have been holding your emotions in for so long. Sometimes, you might even feel like you are going crazy because the feelings are so strong and unexpected.
How does it manifest?
Delayed grief can affect people in several ways, but the most common symptom is depression. Grief is a natural reaction to losing someone you love, and it’s often accompanied by sadness, anxiety, and anger. But when these feelings don’t go away after a few weeks or months — or even years — it can be a sign of delayed grief.
Another way delayed grief can manifest is as physical symptoms. If you’re experiencing unexplained aches and pains or insomnia, overeating or undereating, it could be a sign that you’re suffering from delayed grief.
Finally, delayed grief can affect your mental health, causing you to feel detached from the world around you or unable to enjoy anything anymore.
How then do we properly deal with delayed grief?
People who experience delayed grief tend to deal with it in different ways. Some try to keep themselves busy by working or staying active, while others withdraw from family and friends or isolate themselves from society.
If you think you might be dealing with delayed grief, here are some things you can do:
Don’t try to ignore your feelings.
Delayed grief is real, and ignoring it won’t make it go away faster — it’ll just make it more powerful when it finally does come up for air. So instead of trying to pretend like everything’s okay when you’re feeling sad or angry, just let yourself feel those feelings. It might be hard at first, but eventually, they’ll start to fade away if you give them room to breathe and process on their schedule.
Allow yourself time to grieve
It may seem obvious, but one of the best ways to deal with delayed grief is simply giving yourself time. This does not mean wallowing in your sadness or drowning yourself in pity — instead, it means allowing yourself space and time to process your feelings at your own pace. This will help you move through your emotions more easily and quickly.
Talk about what happened.
Talk about how you feel with someone close to you who will listen without judgment or criticism. Your loved ones need to know what happened so that they can help support you during this difficult time.
Write about it.
If you are more expressive with writing (like me), you can try journaling. Keeping a journal is a great way to express emotions in a safe place where no one can judge what you write. Write down everything that comes to mind and do not censor anything — including those feelings of anger or resentment. This will help you get those thoughts out of your head and on paper so they don’t linger there every day while you try to go about your business as usual (which isn’t easy).
Take care of yourself physically.
Make sure that you’re eating well and getting enough sleep every night so that your body has the energy it needs to cope with everything going on inside your mind! Exercise can also be helpful because it helps release endorphins.
Seek professional help.
I know that therapy in this part of the world sounds like a taboo, a lot of people don’t think they need to speak with a total stranger about what’s going on in their minds. But hey, therapy can help you understand why it’s taking so long for your emotions to sink in.
Remember:
The truth is that grief doesn’t have an expiration date; there’s no set amount of time after which we’ll stop feeling sad about losing someone important in our lives — and that’s okay! The best thing we can do as humans is allow ourselves to feel whatever emotion comes up when we remember those who have passed away
You are not alone and your emotions are valid, even if they feel confusing or overwhelming at times!
Yours in figuring out this thing called life, That Ordinary Girl. ✌
