How to Cheat
Adulterer’s Guilt
It’s not always fairy dust and sweat.
The guilt only comes when he does something nice or pats my bum. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it reminds me of what we once had. Most of the time I don’t think about it, though.
I don’t think about it because the affair is part of me now. It’s who I’ve become and how I see myself. I’ve been having an affair for two years, and it’s changed my life. Not in any dramatic way, but it’s made me happier and more patient, fulfilled. I even wrote and published my first book. Although I can’t tell anyone about it, I’m immensely proud of my achievement.
Waves of guilt pass over me, but there’s no pain that accompanies it. Sadness, or remorse perhaps, but no pain. Not the pain I’d imagined I might have. The pain that would make me confess my sins and throw myself at his feet, but it’s there sometimes. Never enough pain to ask a Priest for forgiveness.
God knows I’m cheating; his shepherds can’t help me. What would they do anyway? Tell me to stop? Would I really need to put $10 in the collection plate for that wisdom? I’m sure there’s a set number of Our Father’s cheaters get, although I’m sure Mary would have understood. Begging for forgiveness is not my thing anymore, if it ever was. I was always suspicious of the divine even…
