The Day I Stopped Fighting Myself
My whole life I have been in a battle with myself and thus with the whole world!
That constant fight harmed my body more than I could ever imagined or wished for. The physical pain I guess was the strategy to make me STOP and to lead me to a fucking threshold where I finally did something for me and for my life.
My whole life I felt wrong, like I didn’t belong anywhere and always resisted the fact that I was born a woman. For me being a woman meant being weak, being superficial, being too sensitive. To be honest, I was angry at the fact that I was born in a woman’s body! For that reason I kept my Divine Feminine Energy trapped and caged for ever, resisting her, ignoring her, making her wrong.
Rejecting the femininity in me also brought me some deep emotional and physical health issues with my reproductive system. Yes, that’s how deep I rejected myself!
Well this post is not meant to tell you the story of my life. Instead, what I really want to share with you is the moment my Masculine and my Divine Feminine energy met.
I started being part of some women circles against my own will but following my gut and honouring my soul’s desire. Let me tell you that those circles they all seemed way too weird to me. How could they not? I was the one who felt weird myself! I was totally disconnected from myself and from my core essence.
In the pictures below (first time in that circle), you can see how disconnected I was if you look closely at the red thread. We had to introduce ourselves while passing on the thread to some other woman. By the end of the exercise, either on one end or the other, the red thread was beyond loose and I was the only woman who could move her hand and arm without moving the other women along.
Last weekend I was in another circle and for the 1st time I felt a brand new woman! I felt the woman in me was totally integrated! I felt like I belonged and there was nothing wrong with me!
This healing process took me about 3 years. It demanded a lot of courage from me, a lot of deep work and an unshakable commitment to be happy to matter what!
Today, looking back at many of the healing moments, I had a breakthrough and I wrote about the moment my Masculine and my Feminine energy met for the 1st time. I didn’t understand that back then but I do now… I was lying on the floor, fully trusting my body to her hands.
I am hurt!
I am bleeding!
I am tired!
I have been in the battle fields for way too long!
Me and my enemy
Me and my ghosts
Me and myself
What a long and painful battle it has been!
I am tired!
I stop fighting
I put down the weapons
I allow the armour to be undressed
I allow the open wounds to be exposed to the light
I am vulnerable!
No more running away
No more hiding
No more rejecting parts of me
No more guilt
No more shame
No more fighting myself
Tears wash my soul
As if magic…
I taste the sweetness of tenderness
I feel the softness of loving-kindness
I am craddled by the warmth of compassion
I am finally home!
I see the face of LOVE
It is a WOMAN!
~ Teresa Pimenta
(5 September 2017)