Endings and Beginnings.

Endings and beginnings.

I wander through this world with old experiences clinging on, I see those experiences being stimulated in different ways, and even though I truly believe that they don’t affect me anymore, subconsciously they are taking a hold of me. I start seeing patterns and I am aware of the challenges I struggle with within myself and the more aware I get, the more I understand that something else is behind all those challenges. So I start diving in to the core of things, the trauma behind it all, without putting blame on what was I prepare myself to take control of what is. But first, I have to connect the dots.

So I fall into the hole I’ve for so long avoided, I welcome it, go head first without any life lines pulling me back towards the surface. It’s okay, I am ready. I free fall down to the bottom and it’s getting darker now. Fear is taking over and I am realizing that the only way up is me. I stay there for a while, I embrace the darkness and hold space for whatever might come up. And then when I feel ready, I try to nurture myself, wrap the blanket of self-love around me and light the candle of hope. It’s okay, I can do it. Memories starts playing like old movies stuck on repeat and I cringe in it’s presence, I start regretting even taking this path, but I know I have to so I wrap the blanket of self-love even tighter around me and I remind myself, it’s okay, I can do it.

When it’s all played out, every feeling, every experience, every emotional trauma that was destined to come out, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and stand up. I feel like a child trying to take it’s first steps and I reach for the walls, trying to hold myself up. Even though I am struggling, my legs feels stronger, my body feels lighter and I start climbing. I can see the sun now, feel the warmth, I hear people laughing and a voice shouting my name. I’m coming. All of a sudden the climb up feels easier than the fall down and it is like I am being lifted by my own light towards the opening of the hole, only an arm stretch away now, I can feel it. And there it is, the ending, the beginning, the light, the love. The sun is caressing my face and I smile, I knew I could do it. My self-love blanket has now been immersed in to my body and it is with that feeling that I pull my leg over the edge and welcome the presence of life. I did it. I find myself naked, people staring, my heart applauding and my mind quiet. I really did it. I’m free. One step at a time I move towards new beginnings, and with a sigh, I thank myself for the strength I’ve embodied to find out more, to learn more, to live and love, more.

So if you find yourself at the end of the light with nothing but darkness captivating your being, allow yourself to go through whatever it is that you need to go through, hold compassion for your journey, because whatever might be clinging on, might not be able to be released until you’ve allowed it’s presence. Take of your clothes, wrap yourself in whatever blanket relevant to you and always remember, that you can do it!