How I shifted my mindset about styling myself, and this might be useful for you
This is going to be a story-telling post and to give you a hint, I am listing what I have done when it comes to dressing well. These might not be new for many people, but if your mother never teaches you how to dress well — just like mine never did — and you don’t know where to start, this could help you.
- I researched fabrics and classic style (I started from this video)
- I put what I learned into practice when I go to stores so I could tell apart which piece is good and which piece is not
- I pay attention to the laundry care instruction label
- I decluttered my wardrobe
- I researched sustainable fashion for future shopping consideration
Honestly, dressing up has always been my biggest struggle. I never knew how to dress and I always bought the cheapest piece I could find. My parents have always thought that my fashion sense was tragic and I agree with them. They kept telling me to dress well, but none of them told me how. My mom suggested wearing something less revealing, which I followed. I ended up buying a cute but conservative dress for Christmas last year, but she was still not happy with my choice. They thought it was because I didn’t have enough money to buy clothes. My father then gave me some money, but I didn’t know what to buy. This is how I knew that money can’t buy taste.
I thought I read a lot of fashion magazines, fashion articles on the internet, fashion YouTubers, but it seems like no one told me how to dress well. All they did was recommend products and neverending trends!
I asked my then-boyfriend (now husband) how to get out of this trap. Because he didn’t understand a female’s struggle and pressure to always look presentable, he told me to choose a favourite Instagram influencer and follow everything she wears. This made me even more frustrated. Does that mean I have to buy more clothes? What should I do with my old clothes — throw them away to landfill? I had too many already and none of them will match any influencer’s clothes. Can’t I just wear whatever I have and still look good without buying anything new? Isn’t there supposed to be a STYLE THEORY where I can always look good and polished? Is it always about expensive clothes? If it is, why does my friend Ingga always look polished even though she told me her clothes were affordable?
Being unsatisfied with my then-boyfriend’s answer, I had to look for another way. I honestly expected a better answer because his mother is the epitome of an elegant Eastern European woman. I wished my Lithuanian was better so I could have discussed it with her. In the end, I used the question box feature on Instagram, shamelessly told my friends about my struggle and what I should do with it. I also told them my clothes always end up looking worn out or saggy after a few months and that I already tried buying clothes that are a bit more expensive (the most expensive clothes I could afford was Zara by the way) but it didn’t work. I got several answers, both satisfying and less satisfying. Here I classify the less satisfying ones.
- Many gave a similar answer to my husband’s, which was irksome.
- Some told me to just buy what I want — well, I bought what I wanted but ended up looking horrible.
- Some recommended me where to buy good and cheap clothes online — when buying new clothes was not my ultimate goal.
- One guy told me to just look at myself in the mirror before leaving home — well, dude, I always think I look good in the mirror, but I end up looking rubbish when I am out roaming in the mall.
- One told me to match clothes with my body type, which was a good suggestion but was still too advanced for me.
Not that I didn’t appreciate their recommendations, but some of them just did not feel right to me. Among these, however, I found two most outstanding suggestions. One was from an American colleague who did an internship in my office in Bali who told me to, “do the laundry properly according to the laundry care instruction label because laundry services in Bali do a horrible job.” Well, that was a good one. I never really knew what a fabric care label was intended for. I just threw my clothes into the washing machine and didn’t have any idea why washing machines had so many buttons and settings. It was even alien for me when my mother in law also told my husband to wash his jumpers on a specific washing setting,
The second suggestion was to pick a good fabric — coming from a friend who has practiced minimalism. I had zero ideas about fabrics. I asked her, what is a good fabric: polyester? — which was dumb. Polyester is the most common fabric I’ve seen on clothes’ labels because I usually shop in cheaper places. Then she said, well at least for a t-shirt, you should pick a 100% cotton or linen. Oh my God, I can’t believe I asked her if polyester was a good fabric not I want to laugh at myself hahaha!
Exploring fabrics is challenging, especially when sewing is not your hobby or you are not a model. It took me months to do so, and even I still am learning about them! As a follow-up, I found Anna Bey’s channel accidentally, where she recommended how to look expensive on a budget. I believe there are other videos out there doing the same thing, but I like how she is straight to the point and super honest about everything. She tells you what’s good and ugly instead of some “wear what makes you feel good and confident” vagueness (be careful of this, this has been a huge trap for me!). I also downloaded her cheatsheet, which is one of the most useful cheatsheets I have found on the internet. I put them into practice. Whenever I go to shops, I make sure to check on the material label and observe the fabric very carefully until I get the feeling, until I can tell apart different materials. Later on, these lessons combined have helped me identify wool from acrylic, silk from polyester, just by touching the fabric, and even identify a cashmere just by seeing it from the shop window. Sometimes I still make mistakes though!
A few months ago, I started reading Marie Kondo’s book to understand what the hype was all about. I am happy to let you know that, like what it does to a lot of people, this book has transformed the way I take care of my living space. I find that among the other self-help books out there, this one is the most practical I have come across. This is how I learned about keeping what’s necessary and getting rid of what’s no longer needed. My flat, including my wardrobe, has become less cluttered. This has made me more careful before adding a new item to prevent it to become cluttered again. Guess what, I keep circulating the same clothes over and over again but I am happy that I learn how to mix-and-match appropriately and get the most use of them.
The last one: your mindset changes your behaviour. A friend of mine is running an Indonesian sustainable fashion network and blog and she asked me to become a contributor (because my previous job was dealing with climate change and sustainability issues). I honestly didn’t have a proper understanding of sustainability and fashion, but I had realised a long time ago that we buy and pile up too many clothes in our wardrobe. This is also why at the beginning I had this instinct and pressure of preventing the number of my clothes to increase. By researching ethical/sustainable fashion, I try to become more mindful when it comes to purchasing a new item. Well, I believe that if you want to become more sustainable, the best thing you can do is to not buy anything and make the most use of what you have. But if you need to get something new, the second-best option would be buying secondhand (instead of purchasing from Reformation*). I know sometimes there are times when I can’t get what I am looking for from the secondhand store. Therefore, my third option would be buying a quality piece and stick to it as long as I can.
I understand that I am not the most sophisticated looking woman and that I am not 100% yet getting into sustainable fashion. Nevertheless, I always seek to learn and make a room for improvement. What’s more important is that I no longer feel stressed about choosing what to wear. I know it is only clothes, but it affects many things in life including insecurities. All these help increase my confidence and stress level overall, instead of wearing whatever I want and pretend to be confident.
*Reformation’s jargon is “Being naked is the #1 most sustainable option. We’re #2.”
