The Narcissistic Family Dynamic
In a narcissistic family system, one or both parents will be a carrier of the personality disorder narcissistic personality.
A narcissist is a person with a grandiose sense of self importance. Where they selfishly look out for their own self interest. Upholding a good image is a priority for narcissists because that is all they have. How people view them, think and feel about them is their main source of supply.
A narcissist’s image is so important that they will do anything to keep that false positive view of themselves. This includes belittling anyone that poses as a threat to that image. A narcissist’s favorite line is, “I have an image to uphold”. If you read in between the lines you can clearly see what is of value to them. See how they said their image and not their character.
Your character is what you have, that is the driving force of attracting people to you; how you treat yourself and others. A person that knows their character and is sure of themselves will not care if something or someone makes them “look bad”. Because they know that their good character will always win people over.
Be your true genuine self.
A person that does not see the value of their own character will place emphasis on how they look to the world. People that care more about an image, tend to care more about what others think instead of what they think of themselves.
In friendships this looks like excluding, ignoring or ostracizing certain friends in your circle that pose as a threat. In relationships this looks like staying with a person solely because their partner makes them look good but not because they make them happy.
In a family dynamic this looks like designating children to certain roles based on their qualities to make the family look good, and to make the parents feel good about themselves.
In a narcissistic family dynamic, parents will create an image for their child to be forced to live as in the household. There is the golden child, the invisible child, & the scapegoat child. This sets the foundation for the child’s self-esteem.
Let’s begin with the Golden child. The golden child is the favorite. They are placed on a high pedestal that their parents have placed them on. The golden child can do no wrong and usually gets away with more. They were the child that received special attention, like a mother bragging about something your sister did at school, but says nothing about you.
The golden child tends to have qualities that are strengths of the parent. They also have qualities that the parent admires or wish they had. In some cases the golden child will become a narcissist themself. Due to all the special treatment they received growing up the golden child can develop a “big head” and feel a sense of entitlement. Sometimes this sibling tends to be a bully to their other siblings, mainly the scapegoat child.
Not all golden children become narcissistic, some will grow up and will be very compassionate to their siblings. They are aware of the dynamic and recognize the fact that they did get special treatment. Knowing this they will do their best to help their other siblings.
Next we have the invisible child.
The invisible child is the child that is ignored. This child gets the least amount of attention. Since they have been so deprived of attention and nurture, they seek out love externally. They will also do things to get attention like involve themselves in drama or negativity. This happens because in the past getting in trouble was what got them attention. Subconsciously they believe this is what they have to do to get the attention they crave.
Lastly we have the scapegoat child.
The scapegoat child is the child that is the most empathetic. They are very spiritual and are very aware of the dynamic of the family. They see past the illusions that the has been created within their household. The scapegoat child or black sheep is the child that is very independent and tends to stay to themselves. They are very different from the rest of their family and somewhat misunderstood. This causes the family to mistreat the black sheep. They project their insecurities onto the black sheep and fill his/her head with allegations they they are a problem.
The family will take out their anger and frustrations on the black sheep. This happens consistently and the family will feel no remorse. With all the mistreatment they receive the black sheep will start to question their own self worth.
The black sheep grows up lacking self esteem, they feel as if they are not that important and that no one cares about them. Because they are so rejected and ignored by their family they don’t feel like they are good enough.
YOU ARE ENOUGH !
The black sheep is the child that is destined for greatness. They have such a bright future ahead of them and they don’t even know it. They were meant to have such a rough childhood and learn the valuable lessons within a family so that they can heal themselves and help heal others. When the black sheep walks away from the family they will be able to fully thrive. They won’t be surrounded by the pressure to be someone they’re not or have negative Nancys in their ear trying to dim their light. The rest of the family will have to deal with their problems on their own now when the scapegoat walks away because they won’t be there to be the sponge to absorb all their problems.
When the scapegoat walks away they will be at peace. They will finally live a life of freedom.
It’s unfortunate that so many people grew up in toxic environments and were the product of narcissistic families. One cannot change the past but one can learn from it. Knowing the analytics behind what we’ve gone through gives us the knowledge we need to fully understand our struggles. Knowledge is power, knowledge can heal.
