Sadie. Not eating disposable diapers.

Eleven Ways to Keep Your Dog from Eating Disposable Diapers

  1. When you’re finished changing the baby, throw the diaper in the trash. Don’t use the inside trash, but the outside trash, the one that even you have trouble moving to the curb every week. Pick up the baby and literally walk that diaper outside and throw it in the damn trash or the damn dog is going to find it and eat it I swear.
  2. Politely explain to the dog just exactly what it is they are consuming. This won’t prevent them from eating the disposable diapers, but it might remind you to put the diapers in the outside bin.
  3. Potty train. (The baby, not the dog.) Potty train early. Way early. Explain to your newborn that you will be setting them on the training pot just as soon as they can hold up their head. This is important. They just have to understand.
  4. Buy diapers that taste either of olives or grapes. My dog won’t eat olives or grapes. I cannot promise that your local disposable diapers supplier carries diapers that taste of olives or grapes, but maybe they should. We could make a Kickstarter. I’ll need backers. You in?
  5. Use cloth diapers. The dog may also eat cloth diapers, but this list is about keeping your dog from eating disposable diapers, so this method technically qualifies.
  6. Feed the dog something delicious on a regular basis. This, again, may not deter the dog, but it might cause the dog to give up sooner on the diaper, thus keeping them out of the veterinary hospital. Really good dog food is far less expensive than trips to the veterinary hospital.
  7. Put the dog outside on a short chain. This is a truly bad idea, and will break your dog, making them crotchety and mean-tempered, and is really just torture for dogs. You do not approve of torture of any kind, but honestly you have a houseful of diapers to protect.
  8. Give the dog to someone who will love them. I suggest Ellen Degeneres. Do not drop the dog off at a shelter with a note reading “ate too many diapers.” This is a death sentence for the dog. Do not kill your dog.
  9. Give the baby to someone who will love them. Again, Ellen comes to mind, but also Brad Pitt. You may be safe dropping the baby off at the shelter with a sign reading “creates too many dirty diapers… it was either the baby or the dog.” I don’t have experience in this area. Check your local shelter for more information.
  10. Beg your dog not to eat the diapers. Get down on your knees and speak very slowly and clearly to your dog as you do so. This won’t work, but you will feel as if you’ve done something, and you can tell your spouse that you are doing everything in your power to make the dog stop eating the disposable diapers. You won’t be lying. This is definitely not a lie.
  11. Shout. Use as much foul language as you know. Invent new foul language specifically for the situation. This won’t work either, but the dog will understand that you are a raving lunatic, and might run off to some other food source. Some people down the street just had a baby, for instance. Maybe their disposable diapers are even more delicious than yours.